BRS Segula Fund and Support Group

The BRS Segula fund was created by Michele and Chayim Dimont with the goal of alleviating the financial burden associated with the prohibitive costs of infertility treatments. Segula offers interest-free loans to couples in our community experiencing this monetary hardship. The loans are paid back only when the family gives birth to a child. Additionally, Segula offers a monthly support group led by our BRS Social Worker, Aliza Blumenthal, as well as confidential private support to infertile couples suffering from the emotional distress and challenges that infertility can bring.

Judaism is highly centered around the family and children. Those who contribute to Segula help BRS couples regain courage and hope in this bleak and discouraging time in their lives. For many, the financial component is the biggest obstacle separating them from their dreams of having children.

Since its inception, the BRS Segula Fund has helped more than 20 couples realize their dream of having a child. Unfortunately, the needs and requests continue. With your help and support, we can help and enable all BRS couples who seek our support. Please make a gift of any size at www.brsonline.org/segula or through a check made out to the BRS Segula Fund.

Members of the BRS Segula (Tikvateinu) support group

provided the following sensitivity tips for us to share:

One out of eight couples suffers from infertility, which can include the inability to get pregnant, secondary infertility, or loss of a pregnancy/stillborn. Many people do not wish to share these private struggles, and passing remarks or comments that others may think are okay can actually cause significant hurt unintentionally. Here are tips on how to be sensitive – what to say and not say to any couple, whether or not you are aware of their particular situation. (The following are actual things that have been said to people in our community suffering from infertility.)

 

1. Avoid the question, “How many children do you have?” This is difficult for those trying to conceive who have never gotten pregnant as well as those who have miscarried or those who have lost a child or children. A parent (especially a mother) will always remember how many children she has carried so this comment can be very hurtful to respond to. A child at any stage who has been lost will always “count” to a parent. Not sure how to approach this question? Let others volunteer information about their children if they wish first.

 

2. Avoid the questions, “How long have you been married…No children yet?” or “When are you going to have another baby?” Don’t assume you can question or comment on one’s plans to start a family or add to a family as no couple will answer with, “We have been trying for [2, 4, 10] years and don’t have a child yet.”

 

3. Don’t assume that a couple who doesn’t have children or has one child is “focused on their careers” and has no time for children or doesn’t want children.

 

4. Don’t say, “You guys are so lucky you don’t have children now – you can be free to do whatever you want.” Couples who are struggling with infertility want nothing more than to be tied down with a baby and not be able to “paint the town red.” Making light of the situation and brushing it off with a “you’re so lucky” comment can be extremely hurtful.

 

5. Never say, “You’re young, you have time before you have to start trying,” “Don’t try right away,” “Give yourself time to get to know one another,” or, conversely, “You should have a baby before [such and such age].” The choice of when to start having children is never a topic for a friend or family member (including a parent). It is the couple’s choice when to start, and is a private discussion that occurs between husband and wife. This is a sacred and private aspect of a marriage. In addition, if someone has decided to open up to you and share their struggle, it means that they are sharing something extremely private, making them extremely vulnerable and exposed. Many need an ear, not an insensitive “wave it off” comment.

 

6. If you know of a couple who has a few children and are trying to conceive, have lost a pregnancy, or have had a stillborn, a hurtful thing to say to them is, “Be glad for the children you have – maybe you were only meant to have [1, 2, 3, etc.]” Such a comment can cause irreparable damage.

 

7. Don’t ask another person’s child, “Don’t you want a little sister/brother?” So many people ask young children this question and children are usually unaware of the struggle parents go through. This comment can hurt a child or cause the child to put pressure on the parents who are already trying to do all they can as they deal with their infertility issues.

 

8. Difficult as it can be, try not to complain in any way about your children in front of a childless couple. Hearing how annoyed you are that they woke you in the middle of the night, how frustrated you are with your crying baby, how your children drive you crazy, how carpool is “the worst,” how you got no sleep and “miss the days you were free like you guys,” how hard it is to be a parent, etc. is extremely insensitive. Couples struggling with infertility would give anything to hold a crying baby in their arms and have a sleepless night.

 

9. If possible, plan a night out with a couple who doesn’t have children. Helping someone challenged by infertility feel like they still “fit in” even though they don’t have children helps them know they have your friendship even though they don’t share the common bond of being a parent. A lot of pain comes from feeling “left out” and not having anything in common with friends who are parents.

 

10. If someone you know has told you they are struggling with infertility, check in once in a while and say you are thinking of them and wondering how they are feeling. This is much better than saying, “Thinking of you and your struggle” or “How are your treatments going” or “When is your next fertility treatment”? If someone you really care about is struggling, let them know you are praying for them and that you are there no matter what – they will open up to you if they feel comfortable and ready to share the intimate struggles they are going through.

 

11. Some of the most hurtful comments are: “Why don’t you adopt?” or “We know someone who adopted and then got pregnant right after” or “There are so many children who need adopting” or “Maybe this is a sign from Hashem it’s not going to happen for you naturally.” The choice to adopt or expand a family in a variety of ways is deeply personal, and you can trust a couple is weighing all the options without needing such unsolicited advice from others.

 

12. Lifestyle suggestions such as what to eat or drink, going organic, putting one’s legs up, catching the next full moon, doing yoga, and avoiding things like trampolines are not helpful. Remember that you are not a fertility doctor. What worked for you or a person you know, or something you read online, is not always going to work for someone else. Many fertility issues need to be corrected with intense medical treatment, and some can never be corrected for various reasons. Your input is only another painful reminder of the struggle they are dealing with. If couples are looking for suggestions, they will ask for advice. Unsolicited advice is usually very unwelcomed and can have the opposite effect than what was intended.

 

13. The comment, “Just relax, it will happen,” can be offensive because it comes across as concluding the reason for the infertility being stress. Infertility is a medical issue and especially painful – a lot of stress stems from the pain of not being able to be a parent and less from the medical diagnosis. In addition, the couple will never not stress. Infertility is a daily struggle–everywhere a couple turns they are reminded of children (on Facebook, in shul, commercials, movies, at the mall, etc.). People struggling with fertility cannot escape it and every day these reminders add to their burden.

 

14. Religious suggestions such as “Get a bracha from this rabbi,” “Try this segula,” “Say this prayer,” or “God has a plan–stop worrying,” again, are unsolicited and unwelcome pieces of advice. Many people do all of the above for years and still have no child. These suggestions can, in fact, turn couples away from God. When prayers, blessings, or segulas don’t seem to be working, they can easily start to lose faith. Unless they ask, don’t offer your two cents. Instead, give them the honor of being “kvater” at a bris, ask for their Hebrew names so you can daven, say Tehillim, and bake challah with them in mind. If you are in your ninth month of pregnancy and go to the mikvah for the segula of an easy birth, offer the woman the honor of going into the mikvah right after you as a segula for them. These things may not work, but it’s less about trying to find a “magical potion” that gets them pregnant, and more about letting them know that you have their back and support them, are doing all you can to be there for them, and that their struggle is important to you.

 

If you want more information about Segula’s funds or support group, please don’t hesitate to reach out to the BRS Rabbis or Chayim and Michele Dimont.

Death is a highly uncomfortable and awkward subject. As a result, most people do all they can to avoid the subject altogether. While we would prefer to see ourselves as living forever, the Torah instructs us that, in fact, reflecting on our mortality and being mindful of our transience are critical to living an inspired life and making the most of each day. Indeed, it is for this reason that Shlomo HaMelech, the wisest of all men, encouraged us to prefer spending time in a house of mourning to spending time in a house of celebration.

Overcoming the taboo and talking about death are not only important to inspire how we live life, but are actually acts of love and devotion to those whom we will ultimately leave behind. A few years ago, a woman in our community died suddenly. She was never married and had no children, but I remembered that she had a brother. I went to her home and rifled through paperwork in an effort to find his information so that I could inform him of the terrible news. It took a significant amount of time to make contact with him and even longer to ascertain what arrangements she had made.

We usually think about the chesed aspect of death as the loving, attentive care the living show the deceased. However, there is a great chesed the deceased can show the living. The more the deceased has planned, organized, and communicated his or her wishes, the less speculation, conflict, and compounded pain the bereaved will face at their time of loss and grief. Put simply, it is not only negligent, but also unkind, not to have one’s “matters in order,” irrespective of how young or healthy he or she may presently be, or how uncomfortable it may be to think about and prepare for death. None of us would ever intentionally cause or contribute to the pain or anguish of our family members. Yet failing to prepare likely will lead to complicating and, more likely, compounding the pain of our loved ones when we are gone.

The National Association for Chevra Kadisha (NASCK) has dedicated this Shabbos, Parshas Vayechi, to generating awareness and educating the Jewish community about end-of-life decisions. Boca Raton Synagogue is proudly participating along with over 300 Shuls in North America. My class this Shabbos afternoon will be on the topic of “Mausoleums, Cremations & Metal Caskets: What are the Rules of Jewish Burial and Why?” and I hope you will join me.

In the spirit of promoting awareness, mindfulness, and preparation, please consider, for the sake of your family, arranging the following as soon as possible:

 

1. ICE – Upon arriving at the scene of an accident or emergency, paramedics are trained to look on the patient’s cell phone for an ICE – an In Case of Emergency entry that lists emergency contacts. Access to the right person and the right information can be the difference between life and death. Add an ICE entry to your cell phone phonebook immediately and consider downloading an ICE app that will allow access to your emergency contact(s) even when your phone is locked.

 

2. Life Insurance – Both Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igros Moshe Orach Chaim 2:111) and Rav Ovadiah Yosef (Yechaveh Daat 3:85) were asked if purchasing life insurance reflects a lack of faith and trust in Hashem. They responded that as long as one remembers that it is Hashem who empowered us with the wisdom to create life insurance and enabled us with this tool to protect our families, it is absolutely permitted and appropriate. They extend this endorsement to fire, theft, and car insurance as well. Nobody ever plans to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or to be the victim of a fatal accident. We cannot predict when our end will come, but we can plan so that the pain of our loss will not be compounded by financial instability, hardship and disaster.

 

3. Disability Insurance – Life insurance can help provide for one’s family members if one dies, but what would happen if he or she suffered a debilitating injury or an incapacitating illness precluding the ability to work and provide an income? Disability insurance is only a luxury if it is never needed. We pray it will never be a necessity, but we would be foolish not to have it in case.

 

4. Halachik Living Will & Health Care Proxy – A myriad of complicated questions can arise in medical treatment, particularly at the end of life. This legal document empowers the patient to determine in advance what choices he or she would prefer within halachikly permitted parameters and who is authorized to communicate those choices to medical professionals if the need arises. Moreover, rather than leaving wishes and desires ambiguous so that others are guessing and speculating, this document spells them out. Additionally, instead of conflict arising over how decisions are reached or which halachik authority should be consulted, the halachik living will documents the decision-making process and sequence. The document can name a specific rabbi (or rabbis) or refer the decision to an organization, such as the Bioethics Committee of the Rabbinical Council of America. This is not a document reserved for the old or infirm. Every adult should have one on record and it should be reviewed and updated every few years and as circumstances demand – and discussed with your spouse, children or relatives, so your wishes are clear.

 

5. Will – Don’t leave loved ones guessing or fighting over how you want your assets divided. You work hard for your money and it should be properly distributed among family, friends, and charities in a thoughtful, intentional and halachik manner. You can use your estate to leave not only a legacy for your family, but a legacy gift to the community, Shul or schools that impacted your family. If you still have minor children, identify who will be responsible for them and ask their permission to stipulate such in your will. If you want to designate a specific piece of jewelry, art or memento to a particular person, specify that in your will or other document.

 

6. Ethical Will – In this week’s parsha, Yaakov anticipates his demise and calls his family around his death bed in order to give them each blessings and charge them as a family. Throughout the millennia, prominent rabbis and leaders have recorded ethical wills communicating their values, vision, and passions to the next generation. Don’t just leave children and grandchildren financial assets. Leave them your vision for who they could become and the most important values you hope they will pursue.

 

7. Burial Arrangements – Where do you want to be buried, including Israel? Do you want a chapel service or a graveside service? Whom would you like to officiate? Does your family know that you want a shomer, tahara, and halachik burial and for them to sit a full shiva and say kaddish? Have you bought a plot and purchased a “pre-need” package with a funeral home which is significantly less expensive that needing to buy it “at need?” Record your burial wishes in detail, including important biographical information that you would hope to be included in your eulogy, such as the major influences in your life and people and milestones that you were most grateful for or proud of.   Are there particular relatives or friends or other people whom you would like to be invited to speak at your funeral?

 

8. Organized File – Perhaps most importantly, gather all of the above documentation and place it in a clearly designated place (paper and/or electronic) that your loved ones are aware of and have access to. Include your doctors, rabbi, and attorney and their contact information, your bank accounts, cemetery deed, safety deposit box (and location of keys), insurance information, financial advisors and brokers, inventory of assets and real estate, etc., so that nobody will be left guessing and searching for important information when it is needed. If you are one of those pack rats who hides money and jewelry in books or crevices around the house, tell someone where to look, so they do not get discarded with your other belongings or wind up with the next occupant of your house or apartment.

 

You may be reading this thinking it is excellent advice for someone else, for the elderly or the sick and infirm. But being responsible and planning appropriately are for every adult, every married person and certainly for every parent or grandparent. Don’t only consider making all of these arrangements yourself, but plan to speak to your children and grandchildren about their making such arrangements for themselves as well. Such preparations and arrangements are not taught in school. They rely on you to provide guidance and support in these areas. Not only is communicating these ideas to your children and grandchildren the right thing to do, but it is also in your interest, for their failure to plan, will likely become your emergency.

May we all merit to live full and meaningful lives realizing great longevity. In the meantime, let’s show our loved ones how much we care by making the proper preparations now, so they won’t have to later.

Recently, the United States Holocaust Museum asked my synagogue to host an event of theirs. So this past Wednesday night, we hosted Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic for a conversation about anti-Semitism in Europe and around the world, a topic he has researched extensively and recently written about. Growing anti-Semitism is a universal concern for all Jews. It is a non-controversial topic and one in which we can all find common ground to learn about and to work together to combat.

Nevertheless, because Jeffrey Goldberg has also written articles about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that many find troubling and disagree with, when some people found out he was going to speak at our shul, they shared their displeasure. I am pleased and proud to say that the few members of our shul who emailed me did so respectfully and explained why they thought hosting him was a bad idea. However, non-members who learned about the program and were upset emailed large lists of people, and some of the resulting emails were forwarded to me.

They said things like: “IF THIS IS TRUE, APPARENTLY IT IS – GOLDBERG LOVES OBAMA – WE SHOULD ORGANIZE A PICKET LINE 4 JEFFREY GOLDBERG to teach him to be PRO-ISRAEL.” (I must admit, I had to read the email three times before I realized that I wasn’t the Goldberg they were talking about). Another email called him a “NO GOODNIK OESVARF KAPO SOROS SUPPORTER.” Yet another email called on people to boo him.

Let me be clear: I disagree with Jeffrey Goldberg on many issues. For a good forty minutes following his talk, we had a passionate discussion in my office during which I argued (respectfully) regarding where I think he is dangerously wrong about Israel.

Individuals may have heated, passionate, and significant disagreements with him on Israel. But he is a fellow Jew. He is a fellow human being. Moreover, he risked his life voluntarily serving in the IDF following college, something most of us cannot boast to have done. Can those who disagree with him about Israel say with full confidence that they love Israel more than he does?

Moreover, have we gotten to the point that because we love Israel differently than Jeffrey Goldberg, we cannot learn from him about an entirely separate topic about which we have no disagreement? Is that what the Jewish community has come to?

In the charged atmosphere that currently permeates Jewish communal life, there is a verse from last week’s Torah reading that keeps reverberating in my mind:

“The brothers saw that it was Yosef whom their father loved most of all his brothers, so they hated him” (Bereishis 37:4). It isn’t just that Yosef’s brothers didn’t like him. They hated him. Hate is a very strong word and describes a toxic and destructive emotion.

Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik points out that the Ramban, Nachmanides, refers to the book of Genesis as Sefer Ha’simanim, the Book of Signs that foretells the future of the Jewish people. Unfortunately, it isn’t just the times of blessing, success, and good fortune that our sacred Torah foretells. It also anticipates the persistent civil strife and conflict between fellow Jews that has unfortunately punctuated our history and still rear its ugly head today.

Yosef’s brothers hated him. The text makes that clear. But what does “v’lo yachlu dabro l’shalom,” a phrase mentioned separately, mean? It is a clumsy expression and hard to translate.

The great medieval commentator, R’ Avraham Ibn Ezra explains, “v’lo yachlu dabro l’shalom — afilu l’shalom.” It isn’t that they just couldn’t talk about the issues they disagreed about. It isn’t that they didn’t want to be close, loving brothers. And it’s not that they couldn’t debate respectfully. “Afilu l’shalom” — The issue with Yosef and his brothers was they couldn’t even give each other a Shalom Aleichem. The hatred and intolerance had grown so deep that they couldn’t stand to even extend greetings to one another or to be in a room together. For the Ibn Ezra, this expression describes a disgraceful state of affairs. They couldn’t even say “good morning,” “how are you,” or “good Shabbos” to one another.

We tend to read the story of Yosef and his brothers and see them as petty. They fought over jealousy and favoritism. But that is not entirely true. Rav Ahron Soloveichik and others show that their true fight was about ideology and the future of the Jewish people. Each side was convinced that the policies of the other would bring destruction and were categorically not what God wanted. It was a deep ideological battle of issues that were of grave consequence. And yet, the Torah and our rabbis are nonetheless incredibly critical of their strife.

Even in the context of firmly and passionately held views, one can never lose the capacity to say “hello,” “good morning,” or “Shabbat shalom.” We are a family. We must maintain the ability to suspend the conversation about controversial issues and enjoy an exchange about something we agree upon, or to simply engage in small talk.

Rav Yehonasan Eibschitz in his Tiferes Yonasan has an additional insight on the verse in question. Translated literally, “lo yachlu dabro l’shalom” means “they could not speak to him to peace.” What could that mean? Rav Eibshitz suggests that when we disagree with people, we withdraw from them and stop speaking to them. We see them as “the other,” different than us and apart from us. As our communication breaks down, the dividers rise up stronger and stronger.

We can never resolve conflict, or find common ground, or maintain a relationship despite our differences, if we boo, call for pickets, call each other names, and refuse to have civil conversation. Had Yosef and his brothers been talking, he might have communicated how he felt isolated and alone, and they might have explained how his tattle-telling and the favoritism their father displayed toward him were very painful to them. However, “lo yachlu dabro l’shalom.” They weren’t talking, so they couldn’t use speech to achieve peace, or even just civility, between them.

It always amazes me when I speak to someone who is on the far right politically while on the far left religiously (or the opposite), and he or she protests any openness in our community towards anyone to the left of them politically or to the right of them religiously (or vice versa). We demand that everyone be exactly where we are, even if we are complex and nuanced ourselves.

Conversation and communication themselves build a relationship that allows resolution, or at least mutual respect, even when there are differences. We can and we should have strong feelings and passionate opinions. I have mine, and I am happy to share them, though not from the pulpit or in the capacity of a rabbi. We are entitled to and deserve our opinions, but we are not entitled to call names or disrespect.

The consequences and implications of our debates are no greater than that of the ideological battle of Yosef and his brothers. And yet, the Torah is categorically clear that it was the breakdown of their ability to speak, to have a relationship, to make small talk and to find common ground that led to “sin’ah”– to hatred, to the selling of a brother into servitude, and ultimately to slavery for a nation.

What have we come to if we can’t say good Shabbos, or develop friendships, or invite someone for Shabbos meals, unless they vote exactly as we do, love Israel exactly as we do, send their children to the exact same school that we do, and dress as we do?

It is not achdus, unity, to relate to those who are like us. Achdus, meaningful unity and togetherness, is only achieved when we relate to those with whom we have differences or even passionate disagreements.

We can disagree about Israel’s policies, or ordaining women, or educational opportunities in our community, or gun control, or global warming, or a host of different issues. And when we disagree, we can disagree passionately and fervently. For some, these issues are of the highest importance and with great implications for the future of the Jewish people. We can advocate and seek to persuade. But we can’t be nasty; we can’t be negative; we can’t attack personally; we can’t be disrespectful; and, most of all, we can’t lose our capacity and will to, despite it all, say “good Shabbos” or “have a great day.”

In 1966, Rav Yechiel Yaakov Weinberg, author of the Sridei Eish, wrote an essay called, “Es echai anochi mevakeish,” “My Brothers I Seek.” He challenged the religious and secular communities to not just be soveil, tolerate one another, but to love one another. Tolerance is something we should do with a bad rash or a traffic jam or a toothache. It is not an attitude towards a fellow Jew. We need to not just tolerate one another, but to find the capacity to connect with one another, to feel unified with one another despite our differences, and even to love one another.

It took a famine and trauma to bring Yosef and his brothers together again. Why must it take tragedy and trauma for us to focus on what we have in common, rather than that which separates us? The terrorists in Israel don’t ask their victims if they are chareidi, chiloni or mizrachi before stabbing them. They don’t ask what school they send their children to, or to which political party they belong to, before ramming them with their car.

Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau, standing in Auschwitz-Birkenau at last year’s March of the Living said, “We always knew how to die together. The time has come for us to know also how to live together.”

I wrote the following letter to the BRS family after attending the send off of Ezra Schwartz H’yd at Ben Gurion Airport:

Dear BRS Family,

The term levaya, which we use to describe a funeral service, means to accompany. At Ben Gurion Airport tonight, hundreds gathered to accompany Ezra Schwartz Hy”d to the flight that will bring him back to Boston and to his burial. Though the gathering was not publicized and intended for those who knew Ezra and his family, with the permission of the yeshiva I attended to show support and love to our Boca students at Ashreinu, particularly a precious member of our shul who was in the van when it was brutally attacked.

I feel compelled to share a few thoughts with you, my beloved family, about what was one of the most meaningful and powerful experiences in my life. As the crowd gathered, Ezra’s fellow classmates at Ashreinu and their Rebbeim stood in a large circle, some draped in Israeli flags, swaying back and forth with their arms around one another singing song after song. The songs were of course not about revenge, anger, or violence, but were about emunah, longing for peace, and love of Torah and Eretz Yisroel.

Eighteen-year-old American students are normally carefree, living with little pressure and enjoying a gap year learning, discovering themselves and exploring the beauty of our homeland. This special group of boys has learned a harsh and cruel lesson that is not intentionally part of any curriculum and that we wish and pray is never learned again. Their pure, innocent classmate and friend was murdered for no other reason than being a Jew. As tears flowed down their cheeks, the final song they sang before the short memorial began was Israel’s national anthem – Hatikvah.

The first speaker was the heroic refusenik and Chairman of the Jewish Agency, Natan Sharansky. He described that when he spoke to Ezra’s father, Dr. Schwartz who had just suffered the unimaginable murder of his son, shared his memory of marching on behalf of Soviet Jewry as a student in Ramaz. Mr. Sharansky observed that this terrible loss is a link in the chain of Jewish History that includes the story of Soviety Jewry and now the story of our continued fight to live in peace in our homeland. Ezra is a martyr, one of the kedoshim of which Jewish history is made up. But we are also living Jewish destiny, he said, and part of our response must be to fortify and strengthen our conviction to our homeland and to our people.

His words resonated deeply for me, not just because of their significance, but because I was standing next to Ofir Shaer, the father of Gil-ad Hy”d who was kidnapped and murdered over a year ago. He came to show respect, to honor Ezra z”l, and to give chizuk by his presence. He is one of too many parents who have experienced the incomprehensible murder of their children. This must stop, it must end!

Ezra’s uncle spoke about his incredible eyes, his smile that could light up a room, his sense of humor, his athleticism and his larger than life personality. He read a letter from Ezra’s father, in which he thanked everyone for their help and for this gathering, and spoke about Ezra, but also which said something absolutely incredible. He said that doesn’t regret sending Ezra to Israel and knows that sending him to learn and grow and be part of the people of Israel was the right thing.

Rabbi Yudin, the Rosh Yeshiva of Ashreinu, spoke passionately about Ezra and described that Ezra had made a pledge the morning of his murder to complete the study of Tanach this year. Though he was exhausted and thought about staying back on Thursday, Ezra was determined to participate in the chesed outing that day and so he went with the intention to sleep on the van. He never fully awoke again as he was murdered while on the very way to participate in chesed, loving-kindness.

Rabbi Yudin stressed that the best way to honor Ezra’s memory and our greatest response to both the terrorists who took his life and those that are determined to drive us from our land, is to come to Israel and do the learning and the chesed that Ezra will not be able to complete.

I am currently in Israel for my nephew’s bar mitzvah and to visit with our students who are studying here, but also to see a few seminaries with my 12th grade daughter who will be coming next year. I know that there are parents who have thought about bringing their children home due to this latest wave of terror. I also know that after Thursday, there are parents wavering about signing their children up to come study here next year. God forbid, we should never judge anyone for their personal decisions based on their own calculations and considerations. Everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with and what they could live with.

However, as a parent in that same circumstance, I must tell you why I don’t hesitate for one moment from encouraging my daughter to come next year and why I feel energized by the fact that we will visit schools together tomorrow. The gift and the blessing of the modern State of Israel and the miracles that enabled us to have it are not for our brothers and sisters that live here alone. Israel is the homeland and the responsibility of the Jewish people, wherever we live in the world. It is not simply a place to visit when times are good, or a place to spend Sukkos or vacation when there is calm.

We, and our children, don’t bear the burden of protecting Israel and by extension Jews around the world that know they can turn to Israel for refuge. We delegate that awesome responsibility to our family in Israel who courageously and faithfully serve in the IDF. They risk their lives on the front line of ensuring the safety and continuity of our people and our nation. Our minor role, the small part that we play, is to make sure that they never feel they are doing it alone or that they are abandoned.

If we stop coming to Israel, if we stop sending our children to study here, not only do the terrorists earn a victory, but we have spit in the face of our very family members who have take upon themselves the lion’s share of forging our destiny.

My dear family, we have learned that when evil and wicked men and women are bent on murdering innocent people, it doesn’t matter if you are in the Twin Towers, the streets of Paris, Tel Aviv or Yerushalayim.

Of course we must act prudently and be vigilant and careful about where we go and how we travel, in Israel and around the world. But, we must absolutely not stop coming and sending our children. If you shed a tear over the recent murders, if you have cried out over the plight of what is happening in Israel, if you want those living in Israel to know how much you care, it is simply not enough to post on Facebook, talk about it at your Shabbos table or even open a Tehillim alone.

If you truly care, and you have the resources to make it happen, I cannot encourage you strongly enough to immediately schedule a trip to Israel. Come to visit family, come to tour, come to shop or come for no reason at all other than to make a statement to those that terrorize us that we will not be scared away and those that we love that we will not abandon them and leave them alone.

Come to learn a perek of Tanach or volunteer for the act of chesed that Ezra Schwartz can no longer do. Come to Israel, you will not regret it.

May we all have a Shavua Tov! May the week ahead be much better, more peaceful and more blessed than the week behind.

With a deep pain in my heart and a love for all of you,

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg

“Do you know if anyone in his family is taking medications and

what those medications are for?”

“Can you give me the name of a friend of her father and a different friend of her mother I can speak to about her?”

“What are the circumstances that led to his parents’ divorce?”

“Is anyone in her family currently receiving counseling or therapy and for what?”

“Does the father come to Shul during the week or only on Shabbos?”

By far, one of the most uncomfortable aspects of being a Shul Rav is fielding shidduch inquiries regarding members of our community of all ages by prospective mates or their parents.  Above are just a few of the actual questions I have received in the last few months alone. Comprehensive investigations are not only taking place in the more “right wing” orthodox communities, but are becoming increasingly customary in modern orthodox circles as well. 

As a parent who wants to protect and guard my children as much as anyone, I can only imagine the desire that will swell up in me when my children are dating, please God, to do forensic detective work and uncover absolutely everything about whomever might win the heart of my child and contribute to the spiritual and physical genetics of my future grandchildren. 

And yet it seems to me that the increasing level of investigation, and some of the latest practices surrounding shidduch dating, are not only failing to yield greater effectiveness or the desired results, but they are compounding some of the existing challenges in the system and are contributing to an inappropriate tone to dating. There is little disagreement that the modern shidduch system is flawed and in some ways broken.  There is an inherent imbalance in the numbers and in the current system, that imbalance favors men and gives them the upper hand and the opportunity to be highly selective.  

While the process of shidduch dating is often filled with disappointment, loneliness, and frustration for both genders, the demographics make it especially difficult and sometimes acutely painful for young women in particular. There is no clear way around the demographics and therefore no quick fix for the system.  But at the same time, we need not compound the problems in the system by asking our eligible men and women to degrade themselves in order to be noticed.  

While admittedly I am neither single nor do I have children currently in the shidduch scene, I do have the perspective of a community rabbi who fields weekly phone calls inquiries and who hears from parents of young people, usually young women, who are struggling with a system that is frequently demeaning and inequitable and often challenges their self-worth. I freely admit that I don’t have radical suggestions or transformative solutions.  I do, however, feel compelled to share a few observations with the hope that we can collectively tweak the terminology we use and the standards we practice as we aspire to raise the bar, not lower it, and as we try to make the most of a difficult situation. 

First things first: It is completely reasonable and understandable to feel entitled to know basic facts about the individual one is being set up with before agreeing to go out.  The question, then, is what is reasonable?  I was recently having a Yom Tov meal at someone’s home when they shared with me the album they curated out of memorabilia from their dating and courtship.  It began with the scrap of paper upon which the now-husband jotted down a few facts he heard from the shadchan about the girl he was being set up with, his now-wife.  Suffice it to say that while it included her education, hobbies and interests, it did not make reference to her medical records or her siblings-in-law. 

In contrast, young people from a similar background as this couple are now told that if they want to enter the shidduch scene, they need to prepare a proper “shidduch resume.” Tips are offered as to how to make the resume look professional and impressive and what must be included, including not only a name, date of birth, height, education, camps, and extra-curricular activities of the prospective mate, but also their parents’ names, birthplace, occupations, and shul affiliation, as well as the siblings’ ages, educational institutions, and spouses’ names, if applicable. 

To be clear, I have nothing against utilizing technology to produce a summary page that can be shared easily and efficiently.  My issue is not with streamlining the information collection process; it is with the level of detail we are demanding and expecting on “resumes.” Why is the sibling’s occupation relevant to whether or not someone is a viable candidate to meet?  Should those who have unemployed siblings, or older single siblings, or siblings who are “off the derech” automatically be rejected?  

If individuals list such information they are at a disadvantage, and if they omit the information, in the current resume climate it raises suspicions about why it wasn’t included. One can’t help but wonder regarding this week’s parsha: Had Eliezer seen Rivka’s “shidduch resume” and investigated her father and brother, would he have gotten far enough or been open to see her extraordinary chessed, or would he have nixed the shidduch from the outset? Scrutinizing shidduch suggestions excessively and performing inquisitions on every recommendation not only precludes and prevents meeting what might have been one’s soulmate, but it does little to ultimately protect oneself or one’s children from someone who on the surface “has everything” going but in reality makes a poor spouse and parent.  

In my experience interacting with hundreds of families, I have come across many individuals who would have had “undesirable” resumes, including families that have dysfunction, illness, or disability, who emerge to become the most amazing, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, loyal and special spouse and parent.  In counseling many couples, I have also discovered many individuals with “perfect” resumes—from the perfect family and with the perfect pedigree, appearance, education, and interests—who turn out to be cruel, selfish, and simply horrible spouses and parents. 

It seems to me that our children don’t need detectives working on their behalf. They need us to model the balance between reasonable research and being nonjudgmental, open-minded, and encouraging.  The demographic problem poses a great enough challenge without making each young woman feel inadequate if her “resume” cannot pass a forensic investigation. 

Additionally, while I recognize that this is not the biggest issue in shidduch dating, nor will it provide a sweeping solution, I believe that language matters, and calling the intake form a “resume” is not only a semantic mistake but it frames dating negatively from the outset.  A resume is what one produces when he or she is the applicant seeking entrance to a school or job.  When one submits a resume, the understanding is that they are the candidate making a case for their worthiness to be accepted by the institution or employer. Do we really want our children approaching dating and courtship as if they are applying and being interviewed for a job?  Don’t we want the tone of their relationships to be defined by two equals engaged in the process of learning about one another through conversation, shared experience, and by observing how they each behave and react in diverse situations? Would they not be better served if we all called them “Shidduch Biographies” rather than “resumes?” 

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned authority on healthy marriages and whose insights we have been sharing in our Shalom Bayis series, describes the importance of couples forming what he calls “love maps.”  In his extensive research, he found that emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds, including their life goals, dreams, worries, hopes, fears, and aspirations.  Love maps never appear on a resume.  They are written and formed when a couple have enough in common to be willing to see if there is chemistry between them that transcends what it says about them on paper. 

Sometimes, when being interrogated about a member of our shul, if I feel it is appropriate, I will stop the conversation and say, “I think he is an incredible young man, and if one of my daughters were old enough, I would be thrilled if she would go out with him.”  It never fails to shock me, and frankly offend me, when the inquirer continues to proceed with their list of questions, revealing that “the rabbi’s” glowing endorsement that he would happily welcome someone into his family is not as important as getting through their often inappropriate questions. 

The latest phenomenon is that many—mostly boys—won’t entertain a resume unless it includes a picture.  Of course, physical attraction is a critical component of a successful marriage.  In fact, the Talmud (Kiddushin 41a) forbids a man from marrying a woman without seeing her first, lest he insult her and hurt her by a lack of attraction. Yet Chazal would never have endorsed the immodest practice of gazing at a still picture to determine attraction as a prerequisite to meeting someone in person.  When asked about this practice, Rav Chaim Kanievsky responded, “that is nonsense!  He will not see anything from the picture.  One must meet her in person.”  Rav Dovid Feinstein responded similarly,  “Why are we making things more difficult? There is a certain chein that young ladies have that often does not come across in a photograph, and can only be seen in person. 

We are making the shidduch crisis worse with these new requirements.” Don’t we owe our daughters, many of whom have a hard enough time with dating already, to not have to suffer the indignity of sweating over producing a comprehensive resume and attaching a striking picture?  Why is it considered acceptable in some circles for the boy or his mother to ask about the girl’s dress size (yes, this happens), but one would be judged negatively for asking about the boy’s pants size or the receding pattern of his hairline, or even about how many masechtos he has completed or exactly how much income he earn? Is it a surprise that in the current system, with the current expectations, one prominent author went so far as to suggest, “Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.” Have these boys that are demanding pictures and dress sizes looked in the physical and metaphorical mirror lately?  

The Talmud (Sota 2a) tells us, “ein mezavgin l’adom elah l’fi ma’asav,” we are matched commensurate and in parallel with who we are and what we have to offer. I recognize that like many others, I have highlighted some of the challenges without offering transformational solutions.  I don’t offer them, as others have not, because they are not obvious or easily attainable.  We many not be able to move the needle in large ways, but our sympathy and empathy for those stuck in a challenging system should minimally move us to refuse to participate in some of the latest trends.  The least we can do within the system we are stuck with is preserve the dignity and self-esteem of our children and friends with small gestures such as not labeling their lives resumes, not forcing them to feel they need cosmetic surgery just to provide a picture to make their “resume” more compelling, and by not demanding more information than the FBI and CIA together could uncover. 

Nobody is going to be the one person bucking the system, as repulsive as full participation may sometimes be, because they fear the consequences of being ostracized or ignored. If all of those in the “parsha” of dating, including those single and their parents, collectively refuse to play by the artificial rules, the system can improve. Shadchanim should prioritize the people they are representing by not asking for or providing pictures, and by collecting shidduch biographies, not resumes. 

If rabbis, shadchanim, and friends not only refuse to answer inappropriate questions, but call out and shut down those asking them, we can scale back the inquisitions and return to reasonable research. Perhaps more importantly, if every member of the Jewish community makes it his or her personal mission to advocate for their single friends, people can be set up by those who know them and therefore be more trusting and less scrutinizing. 

The period of dating perhaps provides parents with their final opportunity to model and teach critical life lessons and values to their children while still living under one roof.  If we use the opportunity to encourage them to be open-minded in dating and to bravely be part of a community not willing to stoop or cave to unreasonable pressures, we can not only help our children find appropriate spouses, but we can also help them become better people.

Two years ago, due to a very rare intersection of the Jewish and Gregorian calendars, Thanksgiving coincided with the first day of Chanukah resulting in a day that was popularly referred to as Thanksgivukkah. This week, similar to last year, a different overlap which occurs much more often will take place as Halloween falls on Shabbos. While Thanksgivukkah was widely embraced and broadly celebrated by many in the observant community, Challahween will go by without recognition or fanfare for what we think are obvious reasons, obvious until we try to articulate them.

In contemporary times, Halloween seems to lack religious significance and serves only as a platform to have fun, dress up and collect candy. What is wrong with putting on a costume, being friendly with the neighbors and satisfying our sweet tooth?

Unlike Thanksgiving, whose origins are consistent with our religious beliefs, Halloween began as the pagan Celtic festival of Samhain, a day on which the devil was invoked for various divinations. Encyclopedia Britannica says, “The souls of the dead were supposed to revisit their homes on this day and the autumnal festival acquired sinister significance, with ghosts, witches, hobgoblins…and demons of all kinds said to be roaming about.”

Today, the overwhelming majority of those trick or treating and dressing up, not only have no pagan thoughts or intent, but don’t even know Halloween’s historical background. So again, if all my children or I want to do is put on a fun costume and knock on neighbors’ door to collect candy with no religious association, what is the problem?

The Torah (Vayikra 18:3) cautions us from imitating chukas ha’akum, foreign practices and customs, not because we discriminate against non-Jews, but rather in an effort to preserve and support Jewish values, ideals and a distinctly Jewish lifestyle with pride.   The Rama, Rav Moshe Isserless, on his gloss on Shulchan Aruch (y.d. 178:1) rules that it is forbidden to observe a custom that has pagan origins, even in a secular context devoid of religious significance and meaning.

Dressing up for Halloween and trick or treating are a perfect example of the Rama’s ruling and perforce are forbidden. The issue is not judging or rejecting the practices of our non-Jewish neighbors as much as seeking to reinforce distinctly Jewish practices and Torah values in our families and communities.

Fascinatingly, despite Halloween’s designation as having pagan roots, several gedolim proudly distributed candy to those who knocked on their door trick or treating. The Artscroll biography of Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky describes how Rav Yaakov cheerfully handed out candy to all those who knocked on his door on Halloween.

Rabbi Akiva Males recounts his father- in- law’s memory of being in Rav Pam’s home on Halloween night.

“When my wife’s older sister became engaged in the 1990s, my in-laws took my (future) sister-in-law and my (future) brother-in-law over to meet Rav and Rebbitzen Pam and receive their bracha and good wishes. What’s the most vivid memory they all have of that evening? It was October 31st. In contrast to the many Jewish homes around the Pams who had turned off their lights to discourage trick-or-treaters, the Pams left their front light on. While they all chatted with Rav Pam in the dining room, his Rebbitzen was in the kitchen working the hot-air popcorn popper and preparing plastic baggies of popcorn to give out with a smile to all the local non-Jewish kids who knocked at their door.”

How do we reconcile the prohibition of observing Halloween with the stories of great rabbis responding so positively to trick or treaters?

Avraham Avinu, the founder of ethical monotheism and the father of our people, when purchasing a grave for his wife, described himself as “ger v’toshav anochi imachem, I am a stranger and a resident together with you.”

Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik zt”l explains that in this introduction Avraham captured the tension that every Jew is destined to live with forever.  On the one hand, we are toshavim, residents and inhabitants of the great countries in which we live.  We function as active citizens participating in the fullness of the society around us.  And yet, at the same time, we must remain geirim, strangers: different, apart, distinct and dissimilar.  Ger v’toshav – we are to simultaneously be part of, and apart from, the general world around us.  Striking the proper balance and equilibrium between our dual identities and roles is the mission of the Jew at every time and in every place that he or she has ever lived.

There have been periods in our history in which we didn’t need to work hard to remember that we were different.  Through their anti-Semitism, persecution and oppression, our hosts have often reminded us that we were geirim, we were not the same.  As badly as we tried to blend in, as hard as we tried to assimilate and as much as we sought to merge with those around us, we were denied the opportunity to be toshavim, equal residents and citizens.  Indeed, the imbalance which tilted towards being geirim, towards being different, was our default status for the bulk of our history.

And yet, at this moment in history, blessed to live in this great country, a truly exceptional place that has afforded us extraordinary opportunity, once again our balance is off, our equilibrium between ger v’toshav, stranger and resident, is out of alignment. This time, it is in the opposite direction with devastating results, as evidenced by the recent Pew study.

The observant community is not immune from the draw of assimilation and the temptation to do what everyone around us is doing, particularly when it seems as innocuous as dressing up and collecting candy. But it is specifically when things seem innocuous that in some ways they are the most threatening.

As part of a general movement in America away from particularism and towards universalism, there has been a shift in recent years from December greetings of Merry Christmas to a more generic Happy Holidays. At first blush, as Jews one might think we should be grateful for the nonspecific greeting which seems more sensitive to those who don’t practice Christmas.

However, I submit to you that, in fact, changing the greeting to Happy Holidays combined with the overall secularization and commercialization of much of Christmas doesn’t serve the Jewish people; it threatens to blur the lines that we rely on to distinguish us. The more secular Christmas becomes, the more accessible and inviting it will be to Jews who may someday have a tree and leave gifts under it, arguing that it has no religious significance to them.   Disturbingly, Bed Bath and Beyond is selling a Hannukah Tree Topper that it markets as the “#1 interfaith tree topper.”

All one has to do is survey the young people who are struggling mightily with the rigorous expectations of observant Judaism and the traditional viewpoints of Torah towards many social issues of the day to realize how threatening the allure of being a toshav is and its impact on our religious community. Our generation needs to place a greater emphasis on the ger aspect of our identity, not out of a sense of retreat, isolationism or defensiveness, but with pride, excitement and enthusiasm for our Jewish holidays, practices and customs.

Recognizing our role as geirim, different and distinct, Rav Yaakov and Rav Pam most certainly would never endorse or permit Jews to trick or treat or dress up for Halloween. Yet, they understood that, at the same time, our identity as toshavim demands that we not turn out the lights, literally or metaphorically, when our non-Jewish neighbors knock on our door, but instead we greet them with warmth and cheerfulness.

On Challahween this year, I suggest we follow the example of our great leaders. We should graciously give candy to those who knock on our doors, while abstaining from dressing up or trick or treating ourselves.

Let’s use this Shabbos around our tables for a meaningful dialogue about the challenges of being geirim and toshavim at the same time. Let’s share ideas and strategies about how we can best preserve our Jewish identity and practices with pride, without having to forfeit our participation in and concern for the society around us.

(Re-posted with modifications from 2014)

The previous Guinness World Record for the longest hug had stood at 24 hours and 33 minutes. This past week, two Iowa State University students shattered that record and maintained a hug for 31 straight hours. When asked what motivated them they explained, “There wasn’t really anything that inspired us; we were just kind of bored during the summer.”

Each morning, when I wrap myself in my tallis before davening, I try to pause for a few breaths and experience the feeling of being wrapped in the loving embrace of the Almighty. In the prayer immediately preceding our donning the tallis, we say, oteh or ka’salma, Hashem spreads out light like a garment. If focused on what we are doing instead of going through a mindless daily ritual, when paused while wrapped in the tallis one can palpably sense the warmth of Hashem’s light and can feel the security of being under His protection. There is no better way to start the day.

Boca Raton Synagogue also set a Guinness World Record this year for a very different type of hug. BRS proudly boasts the world’s largest tallis, measuring forty feet by forty feet. The tallis is made of 49 extra-large, 100-percent wool talleisim sewn together into one huge tallis with tzitzis hanging from all four corners. The tallis will be used once again on Simchas Torah morning during Kol HaNearim, when hundreds and hundreds of children will stand or sit or be held beneath it, and have an aliyah recited on their behalf.  

The Jewish community is undeniably split regarding the highly controversial Iran deal. Sadly, rather than focusing on advocating the merits or demerits of the deal, too many on both sides of the issue have resorted to ad-hominem attacks, name calling, questioning of motives and dismissing the positions of others as just politics.

This week’s Torah portion, Shoftim, contains the call of “tzedek tzedek tirdof, righteousness, righteousness shall you pursue.” Bothered by the redundancy, the Midrash suggests reading the verse as tzedek b’tzedek tirdof, pursue righteousness with righteousness. Even in, or especially in the effort to advocate for and advance a righteous cause, one must never act unrighteously or ignobly.

I oppose the Iran deal. I identify with the position of the mainstream political leadership of Israel, from the left to the right, as well as that of the bi-partisan organizations – AIPAC, ADL, AJC and numerous Jewish Federations that see the deal as dangerous and potentially catastrophic for America and Israel.

To be clear, I presume that those who support the deal love Israel as much as I do and are as loyal to America as I am. I believe that those who support the deal are entitled to their position, as I am to mine, and are well within their rights, and perhaps even duty, to advocate loudly for it. I don’t believe they support the deal because they are, God forbid, self-hating or anti-Semitic or are simply demonstrating partisan loyalty. I take for granted that they support the deal because after considering the issues, they genuinely believe it is the best option available to contain Iran and preserve peace.

I expect the same courtesy in return. I am not against the deal because I am a warmonger, because I have dual loyalty, because I am partisan, or because I am uninformed. I am well aware of the formidable challenges that arise from striking down the deal that the Administration has negotiated.

Yet, I oppose the deal because it fails to achieve the goal of preventing a nuclear Iran while at the same time funding terrorist networks and their efforts to murder Americans and Jews around the world with billions of newly released dollars. Moreover, in addition to all the other weakness and consequences of the deal, it shockingly relies on the Iranians, wholly deceitful and untrustworthy actors, to police themselves.

Rabbis have been criticized for using their public platforms to advocate against the deal and for their efforts to rally their congregations to lobby to strike it down. I have been told that politics don’t belong in the pulpit and I could not agree more. Shuls must be non-partisan and provide safe spaces for people with diverse political positions to feel comfortable and welcome and to pursue spiritual inspiration without fear of intimidation, discomfort or exclusion. I am extremely proud that a few years ago, Boca Raton Synagogue adopted our civility statement that appears in our shul literature and on our website and calls on our members to be respectful of others’ views and always speak and act respectfully and civilly.

In my career in the rabbinate, I have never used the pulpit to publicly endorse a candidate or promote a particular political position. And yet, I do not hesitate in these critical days to use every opportunity to encourage our community to lobby our elected officials to vote against the Iran deal because to me, this issue is not one of politics, but one of possible pikuach nefesh (life and death), hatzalas Yisroel (saving the Jewish people) and the preservation of the Jewish state.

I recognize that one can manipulate an issue to have it appear as one of pikuach nefesh. Still, I feel that this issue is truly exceptional, as the stakes include weapons capable of conducting genocide against our people and the possibility of billions of dollars flowing to sworn enemies that surround Israel. These threats transcend politics and demand leadership from the pulpit even if those in the pews have diverse positions.

In reaction to rabbis weighing in on the Iran deal, Shmuel Rosner writes in the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles, “One thing is quite certain: Rabbis have no advantage over plumbers when it comes to understanding and assessing the agreement with Iran. They have no better professional qualifications and no more relevant experience.”

Rosner is correct; rabbis are not categorically smarter, necessarily more qualified or more insightful. However, I believe that rabbis, unlike plumbers, do bear an awesome responsibility to be outspoken leaders on issues of historic significance to Israel’s security as well as to the well-being of the free world. Rabbis have been charged with being both students of Torah and of history and applying both our analytical skills and knowledge to try to guide our constituencies in an informed, educated manner.

While the Holocaust raged and millions of Jews were being slaughtered, the American Jewish Committee (AJC) and the American Jewish Congress rigorously debated the best course of action on behalf of the Jewish people. The former feared instigating anti-Semitism and therefore advocated for quiet, behind-the-scenes efforts, while the latter called for protests, rallies, and demonstrations.

The prominent and influential Rabbi Stephen Wise worried that American Jews would be accused of dual loyalty and worked to undermine the vocal efforts of Hillel Kook, who used the pseudonym Peter Bergson. Despite the opposition of the Jewish establishment, Bergson was successful in taking out over 200 newspaper advertisements and even produced a movie shown in cities across the country calling attention to the Nazi atrocities and on America to intervene.

When Bergson (Kook) called on the Jewish community to act, was that politics or pikuach nefesh? When two days before Yom Kippur in 1943, Bergson organized 400 rabbis to march to the White House and demand to meet with the president, was that politics or pikuach nefesh?

I would like to believe that Rabbi Wise and the leadership of AJC loved their fellow Jews in Europe and were staunchly committed to do all they could to put a stop to the genocide and rescue their brethren. They surely thought that the best way to achieve those goals was to work quietly with behind-the-scenes diplomacy that wouldn’t call attention to or raise suspicion of American Jews.

With the benefit of hindsight, would they now agree that they were mistaken in the strategic position they took? We can’t know, but we do know that Elie Wiesel has argued that Jews ought to have chained themselves to the White House until Roosevelt was willing to act.

Nobody would look back and dismiss the debate between Wise and Bergson regarding advocacy during the Holocaust as politics. Nobody would read a sermon of a rabbi from 1943 calling on his members to lobby their elected officials to intervene and say it had no place in the synagogue.

I am not suggesting that the current situation is perfectly analogous to the Holocaust or that those who support the deal are akin to Rabbi Wise and the AJC. I am simply saying that there are momentous points in history when the stakes are so high and the potential consequences so calamitous that they cannot be dismissed as politics. In moments like this, rabbis should not be censored or silenced, but should be supported in fiercely advocating whichever position they feel will best protect the interests of America and the safety of Israel.

340 rabbis garnered significant attention by signing a letter in support of the Iran deal. I admire their advocacy, even while I could not disagree more with their position.

I hope that every rabbi will show leadership on this issue, whichever side of this debate they find themselves on. In that spirit, I personally urge the hundreds or thousands of rabbis who oppose the deal to not remain silent.

Please encourage your rabbi to sign our letter in opposition of the Iran deal (here) today.

I have an investment opportunity for you with a guaranteed return. It will yield dividends for years to come and has absolutely no risk. Are you interested?

Someone once asked Baron Edmond de Rothschild about his net worth.  He turned to his personal assistant to come up with a calculation.  The assistant returned with a number based on his real estate holdings, investments, cash, etc.  Rothschild turned to her and said, “That isn’t my worth.  The markets could crash, the assets could be seized, and I could lose it all in an instant.”  He then opened his desk drawer, removed his charity ledger and said, “This is my real worth.  What I have given to charity nobody could ever take away from me.”

Just imagine if all the money that was lost in Ponzi schemes, crashing markets, upside down real estate holdings and poor investments over the last decade went into charitable causes instead. The owners would have been out the money either way, but if it went to charity, it would now and forever remain part of their true net worth.

Unlike playing the stock market or participating in risky investments, giving tzedaka to a worthy and credible cause carries no risk and guarantees a return to the generous investor.  Indeed, the dividends accumulated from funding appropriate causes are felt not only in this world in the form of satisfaction, meaning, and purpose, but they continue to pay generously in the world to come.

We are all well familiar with the tuition crisis and it has been discussed ad nauseam at board meetings, conferences, and Shabbos tables.  Important efforts to advocate for school choice are continuing and I encourage you to get involved in any way that you can.

However, until big picture projects are fully developed and achieved, there remains a very real and present need. Since returning to Boca, I have been contacted at least once a day by a family seeking to keep their children in Jewish schools but facing the very real possibility of having to enroll them in public schools. You see, our local Boca Raton Jewish day schools are certainly doing their part. They collectively give out over 6 million dollars of tuition assistance each year.

The schools and those that support them are doing their part.  Yet nevertheless, there are families that still cannot meet the generously discounted tuition contract they have been offered and without the assistance of our BRS Scholarship Fund to bridge the remaining gap, their children will simply not be able to attend Jewish school and receive a formal Jewish education.  There are legitimate reasons to have to leave a Jewish day school, but money should not be one of them. A Jewish education is a necessity, not a luxury, and every Jewish child deserves a chance at one.

Our BRS Jewish Education Scholarship Fund does not support the operating budget of schools or make donations to their fundraisers.  The fund provides money on behalf of specific children in specific circumstances to make sure that they can remain in a Jewish school.  Helping the youth of our community is not the job of schools alone or of other parents who happen to have their children in the same school.  It is the job, responsibility, and halachic obligation of each and every one of us alike, whether we have young children at home or are empty nesters.

The fund has zero administration or overhead costs. Every single penny that is donated goes directly towards enabling our community’s children to remain in their school. We all receive countless envelopes in the mail, solicitation calls to our homes and knocks on our door asking us to give to causes, organizations, yeshivas and projects around the world. Many of them are worthwhile and deserving of our assistance. However, tzedaka begins at home. Halachily, we are mandated to take care of our local needs before we begin allocating elsewhere.

This fund is not helping anonymous, unfamiliar children in far away places. It is enabling your neighbor’s children, the children who sit next to you in shul or riding their bicycles down your street, to remain in Jewish schools.

Put simply, supporting the fund is an investment opportunity that is guaranteed to pay a return.  The dividends are informed, inspired, passionate Jewish children who are committed to Torah, the Jewish people, and the State of Israel. With all of the challenges we are having inspiring our youth, the research and statistics don’t lie.  One cannot compare the Jewish identity of a child that attended a Jewish day school with one who didn’t.

While analysts may be suggesting that the economy is coming back, the amount of scholarship our schools are giving out and the amount of desperate people who have been contacting me daily would suggest otherwise. I need your help more than ever.

In a few weeks, we will stand in Shul and emotionally proclaim – “U’Teshuva, u’tefilla u’tzedaka ma’avirin es ro’ah ha’gezeirah, repentance, prayer and charity remove the evil decree.” The Machzor is not suggesting that we bribe God with money in this High Holiday season.  It is suggesting that we show that we understand the true definition of net worth with a commitment to generously invest in God’s children.

Don’t be a foolish investor. Please contribute whatever you can to our BRS Jewish Education Scholarship Fund and make an investment sure to give you an excellent and risk-free return.

Go to http://www.brsonline.org/cheseddonations and generously enter an amount.

Please consider one of the following levels:

$1-$1000 – Friend of Jewish Education

$1000 – $1800 – Supporter of Jewish Education (includes entry into the annual Poker/Blackjack tournament)

$1800 – $3600 – Sponsor of Jewish Education

$3600 – $5000 – Pillar of Jewish Education

$5000 and up – Patron of Jewish Education

Five years ago, I was in a store when an eight-year-old boy from our community saw me, came over, and said one word: “Rabbi.” The encounter not seeming all that unusual, I didn’t think anything of it until later that evening when the boy’s mother texted me to say that I had witnessed a miracle. I honestly didn’t know what she was referring to until she explained. She had heard about her son coming over to me and saying “rabbi” and she wanted me to appreciate that in fact, while that simple gesture would be unremarkable and ordinary for almost every boy his age, the fact that her son recognized me and called me rabbi was nothing short of miraculous.

That boy was Joe Greenbaum and he is autistic. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that often includes social impairment, challenges with communication, and repetitive patterns of behavior. On top of that, Joe also has a form of apraxia, an uncommon speech disorder in which the brain struggles to develop plans for speech and as a result has difficulty making accurate movements when speaking.

The combination of autism and a form of apraxia meant that for Joe, learning to speak and communicate would be nearly impossible. And yet, through incredible tenacity on his part, and with the boundless love, encouragement, and support of his family, at eight years old, Joe successfully learned how to speak. When he said the word “Rabbi” that day, what would have been for almost anyone else utterly unmemorable and insignificant, was in fact for Joe and his family an absolute miracle.

Interacting with Joe, it is clear that he understands that there is a world around him that he is connected to, but yet not fully part of. He desperately wants full access and full interaction, but his primitive receptive language skills simply hold him back and deny him that full access.

While at times it can be hard to fully know what Joe is thinking or feeling, there are times when it is clear what he loves and cherishes. At the top of that list are his beloved family members, who have shown incredible devotion, dedication, patience, love, and care to him and his siblings, including two others with autism, throughout his life. In a close second place is Joe’s love for Judaism. Since his early childhood he has been drawn to the sound of the Shofar, enjoys listening to Jewish music (Shlock Rock in particular), loves coming to Shul and kissing the Torah, and most recently puts on his Tefillin with more enthusiasm and excitement than most Bar Mitzvah boys.

This coming Shabbos is Joe’s Bar Mitzvah. While other parents struggle to choose a venue for the party, select a caterer, narrow down the invite list, and finalize a menu, for the last few years, Joe’s parents were struggling with the question of if—and how—he would have a Bar Mitzvah altogether. It is hard enough for an autistic child with apraxia to learn one language, but to read and speak a second is practically unthinkable and unimaginable.

And yet, rather than be fatalistic or resigned to their son not being a candidate for a public Bar Mitzvah, Joe’s parents chose to imagine, to envision, to dream, and ultimately to make the impossible possible. With the help of Dr. Harold Landa as a Bar Mitzvah teacher, and Joe’s Aunt Nina, who worked tirelessly to help him learn Hebrew, they set a goal of Joe receiving an aliyah on the Shabbos of his Bar Mitzvah. Almost everyone around this devoted group told them it was impossible, unattainable, and an unrealistic and perhaps even unfair expectation to set, as receiving an aliyah involves the recitation of two berachos on the Torah. Nevertheless, with the support of Joe’s team, which includes his amazing grandparents, incredible therapists, as well as Rabbi Gershon Eisenberger and Rabbi Matan Wexler, Joe’s parents defiantly shut out the voices of negativity and of defeatism and tenaciously persisted towards the goal of Joe learning how to receive an aliyah and recite the berachos on the Torah.

The next piece of the puzzle was Joe’s cooperation. An autistic young man will typically not do something that he doesn’t want to do. Over the last few months, Joe not only cooperated in the pursuit of his parents’ goal, but he has far surpassed it. With God’s help, this young man, who did not learn to speak until he was eight years old, will not only receive an aliyah this coming Shabbos, but will lain the maftir aliya as well. Having had the opportunity to watch Joe practice, kiss the Torah, say the first beracha, recite the laining, and articulate the second beracha like any other Bar Mitzvah boy was to literally witness a miracle before our very eyes.

There is so much for us to learn from this extraordinary family and their outstanding son. Firstly, as the Chida famously taught, “Ein davar ha’omeid bifnei haratzon — nothing stands in the way of will.” Joe has worked relentlessly overcoming all odds to be able to achieve what almost all of us take absolutely for granted. He has taught us that if we dedicate ourselves to achieving a dream, we can make the impossible a reality.

Assuming he performs smoothly on Shabbos morning—and even if he doesn’t—this accomplishment for Joe far surpasses almost anything any of us have done far beyond the age of thirteen. The Chazon Ish and the Steipler Gaon stood up in honor of special children as they entered a room. While others saw children with special needs labeled by society as disabled or even handicapped, these Torah giants saw only special souls capable of extraordinary things whose lives brought out the best of those around them.

Joe’s team has taught us to never stop believing in every single child, no matter his or her limitations. They have modeled how to never stop dreaming or setting the bar high, even when others tell you it is impossible, unrealistic, and unachievable. They have taught us how to persevere, despite being physically and spiritually tired, how to keep going, even when at times you desperately want to give up. They regularly remind us how to be grateful for the things that almost all others take for granted.

And now, this coming Shabbos, there is one last piece of the puzzle necessary to complete the picture for Joe and his family: the role played by us, his community and Shul. Enabling Joe and anyone like him to experience his Bar Mitzvah is not only the responsibility of his family, but is a duty of our entire community. Facilitating a Bar Mitzvah for an autistic young man requires patience, flexibility, and cooperation. We adults can learn from Joe’s classmates who just completed 7^th grade at Hillel Day School. They, too, are part of his loving team and regularly make accommodations to enable his participation.

While I have highlighted Joe’s story here, it should not be lost on us that Joe is not the only one in our community with special needs. Every special needs child and their families deserve our unwavering support, love, patience, inclusiveness, and, when necessary, accommodations. Raising special children requires superhuman strength and sacrifices that are beyond our imagination. Lessening their challenges, being supportive and encouraging, are not extra acts of chessed. It is our responsibility, duty, and obligation to fill in our piece of the puzzle.

If you don’t believe in miracles, I implore you to come to BRS this Shabbos and please God see one for yourself.