Hashem Loves You – Do You Love Him?

We often picture God this time of year as a judge, sitting at His bench, waiting to catch us, judge us and hold us accountable. Not only is this not a healthy and constructive image, it is not the image our rabbis and our tradition want us to have.

We are deep into the month of Elul, the last month of the year. We believe that while we have an opportunity for an audience with Hashem throughout the year, in this month, He is even more accessible. Yeshaya HaNavi taught us “Dirshu Hashem behimatzeo kerauhu bihiyoso karov,” call out to Hashem when He is found, call Him when He is close. The Gemara understands this to be describing the days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but the Meiri (Chibbur ha-Teshuvah, p. 250) writes that this pasuk is referring to Hashem’s increased accessibility during the entire month of Elul.

The Alter Rebbe would describe that all year long the King sits in His palace and we can seek a meeting or get our message across through an agent. However, in Elul, the King is in the field, He leaves His palace and comes around to see us, hear from us and be available to us.

Our rabbis list many acronyms for Elul. In fact, I saw one list of 55 different pesukim or parts of pesukim in Tanach that have words beginning with aleph, lamed, vav, lamed. Yet, when our rabbis sought to provide an image, when they looked for a verse that would capture the theme, the energy of this time of year, almost all selected ani l’dodi v’dodi li. The Mishna Berura and Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, two works on Halacha, quote it. The Avudraham emphasizes that it is this acronym that best conveys the sentiment of this time of year, a deep and profound sense of love. Our rabbis chose a pasuk from Shir HaShirim, the ultimate love story describing the yearning, longing, love and affection between Hashem and His people.

Note that Shir HaShirim is not the story of our boundless love and dedication for Hashem. Nor is it the story of Hashem’s unconditional love and affection for us. It is ani l’dodi v’dodi li, it is the story of reciprocal love, of give and take, of two parties both invested in the relationship with each other.

We don’t talk about this often enough and perhaps it is because another religion essentially stole it from us and put it on bumper stickers everywhere, but you need to know – Hashem loves us. He doesn’t just know we exist. He isn’t just aware of every detail of our lives and He doesn’t just involve Himself in our lives. He thinks about us, cares about us, craves a relationship with us, and most of all, He loves us.

Hashem loves us means He isn’t looking to catch us or punish us. He wants what is best for us. He roots and cheers for us. He wants us to succeed and He wants us to be happy. Hashem knows all of our faults and shortcomings. He is aware of our mistakes and our challenges, and yet He loves us. He is never jealous of us, He is never competing with us and He is never tired of us. He simply loves us. What He wants in return is to be loved by us as well.

We sometimes struggle to feel Hashem’s love or to feel His presence in our lives and if you are going through a difficult time, that is certainly understandable. But nevertheless, we all need to remember: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li – Elul is all about reciprocity. Hashem relates to us as a reflection of how we relate to Him. We want to count on Him, but can He count on us? We wish He would talk to us, but do we sincerely talk to Him? We want Him to think of us but how often do we think of Him?

A few years ago, I saw someone around minyan during the week when I hadn’t seen him coming often before. I met with him about something else and took the liberty of praising him and telling him how great it has been to see him around. I asked him, “if you don’t mind, would you tell me what motivated you to start coming?” He explained that recently he had suffered a terrible disappointment in his life. Something he was longing for and had been seriously invested in didn’t work out and left him back at square one. He was so mad, so angry, so devastated that he got in his car to go for a drive just to clear his head and cool off.

As he was driving around he started screaming at God – how could you? Why would you do this to me? Where have you been?! It was with those last words that it suddenly struck him – where have YOU been, that is exactly what God is wondering about him. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed not with anger or disappointment towards God, but with a sense of how disappointed God must be with him for cutting Him out of his life. At that moment, while still driving around in his car, he decided he was going to start showing up more, talking to Hashem more, showing God a little more love.

Ani l’dodi v’dodi li – this is the month of reciprocal love. Start showing God some love and you will see and feel Him loving you back.

In the mid-1920’s, a chassid approached the Imrei Emes, Rabbi Avraham Mordechai Alter of Ger: “Rebbe, I am traveling to Paris on a ten-day business trip. Would the Rebbe give me a beracha that I be successful in my venture?”

After a warm blessing the Rebbe continued to make his own request. “In Paris they sell an exclusive cigar brand that is reputed to be the best in all of Western Europe. I would appreciate if you would find that brand and bring me back a box.” The chassid was puzzled by the request but responded enthusiastically.

“Of course, Rebbe! No problem. I will find out which is the best brand in all of France and bring you back two boxes!” The men went on his trip and indeed returned two weeks later. He visited the Rebbe to thank him for his blessing. “Do you have the cigars?” asked the Rebbe.

The man blushed. “Rebbe, you have to forgive me. When I was in Paris, I was so immersed in business that I totally forgot about your request. But do not worry. On the way back I made a special stop in Belgium and got you the best Belgian cigar available. I was assured that it is of equal quality to the French cigar if not better!”

The Rebbe shook his head. “My dear chassid, I did not need cigars. The reason I asked you to get me the cigars while you were in France is because I wanted those cigars to be on your mind. In that manner you would remember during your stay there that you have a Rebbe.”

Hashem gives us lots of mitzvos, asked us to do many things. He doesn’t need our mitzvos. He gives them to us because He wants us to have Him on our minds, to think about Him, to care about Him, to love Him.

Ani l’dodi v’dodi li – Hashem loves us so much. He showers us with blessing. If we would only take the time each day to think about it. If we would only make the effort to keep a gratitude journal we would recognize how much goodness, how many blessings we receive that far surpass what we deserve. Hashem loves us. The question is, do we show Him love in return?

Have You Ever Had a HIIT Spiritual Workout?

In 2010, Ellen Latham co-founded an exercise studio in Ft. Lauderdale called Orangetheory. What began as one small business in 2010 is now a movement with 1,200 studios in 22 countries, more than 800,000 members and over $1 billion in sales. I recently came across an article explaining the philosophy and science behind this popular trend.

Unlike most other exercise classes, the workout is not the same for everyone in the class and the participants are not competing against anyone but themselves. Each member wears a heart monitor to capture how hard their body is working and does a workout based on several factors including age and other variables.

The founders of the company place an emphasis on creating a sense of community. Their goal is to have members feel part of a group that push one another, celebrate each other’s victories and support one another in their struggles. They also designed the franchise to have consistency: members can show up at any Orangetheory location in the country and know how the Orangetheory will look, what will happen in the class, and every part of the workout experience.

When reading the article, it occurred to me that this is exactly what Jewish communal life is meant to be for exercising our souls. We, too, are encouraged not to measure ourselves, the quality of our davening, the breadth of our learning, or the capacity of our giving, against anyone else. Our mission is to be driven to realize our best selves, to push ourselves to realize our fullest potential, and not anyone else’s.

Obviously, central to Jewish life is fostering a sense of community. We are best positioned for success in working out our neshamas when we plug into community and find encouragement, support, and structure. Our studios for the soul also provide a sense of consistency: we can walk into any shul in the country with an expectation, more or less, of what we will find in davening, at a Daf Yomi shiur, etc.

But it was something else in the article, another feature of Orangetheory, that caught my eye and that I think we can learn from in growing our studios for the soul. Orangetheory’s success is largely due to the format of their classes. The training is designed as HIIT workouts, an acronym for High Intensity Interval Training. In a typical HIIT workout, participants repeat short spurts of high-intensity exercise, intermingled within longer stretches of lower intensity activity designed for active recovery. Within a 60 minute workout, the goal is to keep the heart rate raised to the “orange” level for only about 12 minutes.

There is fascinating wisdom behind the benefits of a HIIT workout, including the fact that the high intensity portion stimulates the body to continue to burn calories, even when in recovery mode. But what struck me was not the science, rather the psychology behind it. Essentially, if you are told to begin a challenging workout that will keep your heart rate level high throughout and maintain the level of difficulty, many or most will not even start. However, if you know that recovery is built in and that you will only be pushed to your max for short spurts, you are much more likely to not only begin the workout, but to complete it and gain the benefits.

Our Jewish calendar functions in some ways as a HIIT workout. We are challenged to push ourselves in spurts spiritually, tap into different themes or energies based on holidays, and take the experience back into the “recovery” period where it continues to enrich us.

Elul is the ultimate intense interval in a HIIT spiritual workout. It is not disingenuous or inauthentic to push ourselves for a short spurt even if we know that the intensity will not necessarily last. The Shulchan Aruch (o.c. 603) records a practice from the Yerushalmi that even those who aren’t strict to only eat pas yisrael (bread products baked by a Jew) the entire year should be strict during Aseres Yimei Teshuva, the ten days from Rosh Hashana through Yom Kippur. Why? Whom are we fooling by being on our best behavior for ten days knowing we will revert back as soon as Yom Kippur is over?

The answer is that we are not trying to fool anyone. This time of year we are experiencing the height of an intense interval of our spiritual cycle. We are going to soon introduce the daily recitation of Selichos into our schedule. We will extend davening, feel encouraged to add more learning, take on positive practices, and generally push ourselves a little harder. Knowing the intensity will subside and we will return to a recovery period doesn’t make us fake, it makes us motivated.

Rise to the occasion and challenge yourself these next weeks. Push to be better and to do more, knowing the intense interval will soon be replaced with a recovery period in which our souls will still be benefiting from the hard work we will have done.

Bombs Bursting In Air: The Growing Problem of Profanity

The other day, while Hurricane Dorian remained offshore and its trajectory remained yet uncertain, I took my kids to see what we knew would be unusually large waves. We were standing under the pavilion taking it in when a man standing next to us turned to me to comment on how extraordinary the waves were. Instead of employing any one of the many appropriate adjectives to describe them, he felt comfortable and maybe even compelled to use an extreme profanity to capture their ferocity. Putting aside the fact that he had no reason to believe I myself was comfortable with that language, he was either oblivious or maybe indifferent to the fact that I was standing with young children. My twelve-year-old looked up at me and said, ”Why did he need to curse?” I didn’t have a good answer.

There is an enormous amount of energy and advocacy surrounding issues of climate change, our environment, and our responsibility to safeguard it. Those are important conversations that deserve attention and analysis. But, there is a different environment that is being contaminated that should also concern us and another change to our collective climate that I believe also deserves our attention.

In 1952, an episode of I Love Lucy was deemed “controversial” television because it centered around Lucy telling her husband that she was expecting. The CBS executives thought using the word “pregnant” was too risqué and so they had her simply tell him they were “having a baby.”

In 1961, comedian Lenny Bruce faced his first charge for obscenity after swearing in a stand-up comedy set. After being released and arrested several more times, he was finally detained, charged, and found guilty of obscenity in 1964.

While some relics of this era still exist (in Virginia, “Profane swearing“ is a Class 4 misdemeanor punishable by a $250 fine), the world has radically changed and, with it, the environment we live in. Obscenity has gone from a crime to a legitimate form of communication.

The FCC still defines profanity as language that’s so “grossly offensive” to “members of the public” that it becomes a “nuisance.” The problem is who defines “grossly offensive,” who are the “members of the public,” and what qualifies as a “nuisance”? The goalposts on all three are moving rapidly and not towards traditional or modest definitions.

Remember when people in positions of leadership and distinction were held even more accountable for carrying themselves with dignity and class? GovPredict, a political analytics firm, tracked an unsurprising yet shocking trend regarding politicians and social media. In 2014, there were 83 instances of lawmakers using profane words online. In 2017, this grew to a whopping 1,571 instances and in 2018 there were 2,409 instances. So far 2019 has put all those years to shame. According to the firm, politicians have been swearing up a storm and using words that used to make us blush at campaign stops, in press conferences, at debates and on their social media.

The profanity epidemic starts at the top with our current President regularly using vulgarity. But many of those who seek to defeat him, while claiming to be more “presidential” are no better in this area, comfortably dropping obscenities in public spaces.

The result is our environment is contaminated; our climate is compromised. It is no longer safe to watch an interview with an elected leader or watch a debate in front of children. We can’t take for granted that public places will be profanity free. And the media has drastically lowered its standards. CBS, the same network that once refused to air the word “pregnant,” recently featured a show whose title was a cleaned-up swear word. Popular radio stations regularly play songs with words that as recently as 10 or 15 years ago would never have cleared censors.

Why is it so bad? What is wrong with cursing? Doesn’t it reflect passion, feeling, emotion? Isn’t cursing a healthy way to find release, to respond to pain or frustration? Shouldn’t we believe the research that says cursing has positive benefits?

The answer is no. Giving in to the urge to use a profanity is to forfeit our very humanity and indulge an animal impulse. Our sacred Torah tells us the ability to speak, the art of communication, is what differentiates man from animal. When we elevate it, we are acting more God-like, and when we lower ourselves to use vulgarity or obscenity we are expressing the animal part of ourselves.

In “What the F: What Swearing Reveals About Our Language, Our Brains, and Ourselves,” Professor Benjamin K. Bergen shares the research behind cursing. For example, he describes how some stroke victims can still swear fluently even if their other language abilities are severely impaired. Advanced language comes from the more sophisticated parts of the brain while swearing taps into much more primal neural hardware in the basal ganglia. Similarly, Tourette’s syndrome, which involves dysfunction of the basal ganglia, can cause an overwhelming urge to swear. The animal part of us wants to curse. When we hold back, we are expressing our very humanity.

That is why our rabbis (Shabbos 33a) were so opposed to what they call nivul peh, vulgarity of the mouth. When we express self-control and discipline, we are imitating Hashem and we thereby exhibit dignity and class. When we fail and give in to a natural urge to curse or swear, it is demeaning, we are diminishing ourselves.

Fighting this urge is not always easy, particularly when something upsets us, frustrates us or we are physically hurt. In today’s age, it can be particularly challenging when much of our communicating takes place through typing or texting, where we may allow ourselves to use words digitally we wouldn’t use verbally. Yet, the capacity to preserve dignified language even in those moments and those mediums is in some ways the very measure of our humanity and Godliness.

The Midrash (Vayikra Rabbah 24:7) understands the “evil matter” in the passuk “When you go out to war guard yourself from every evil matter,” as referring to cursing or using nivul peh.

The Maharal explains that nivul peh, engaging in obscenity, is so severe, even more so than other forms of negative speech like gossip, because it is used even when nobody is around; it is articulated even when there is no audience to hear. Compromising oneself when there is no benefit is in fact the most degrading and therefore the most severe.

Using or listening to vulgarity is taking a pure, beautiful gift, the power of communication, and contaminating and spoiling it. Whenever I hear someone curse to try to make a point, I can’t help but think if they were more intelligent they would find a more effective way to communicate that point without needing to distract with the shock value of using an obscenity. I am always less impressed, not more, less focused on what they are saying and more focused on why they said it like that. I am less persuaded, not more. Most of all, I am disappointed that they have chosen to transmit their contamination to me, to compromise my environment and to harm the climate that we share.

We can only protect our spiritual environment if we each take responsibility and do our part. Whether online or offline, the words we say and how we say them reflect the essence of who we are and who we aspire to be. If we make the “members of our public” judge all obscenity and vulgarity a “nuisance” and “grossly offensive,” we can demand clean speech that won’t leave emissions that negatively impact our environment for our generation and generations to come.

Hurricane Dorian: We’re All Living in the Cone of Uncertainty

What if you knew when you were going to die? A group of researches in Germany collected blood samples from 44,168 people with ages ranging from 18 to 109 years old. Over the next 17 years, 5,512 people from that group died. After looking at 226 biomarkers in the samples, the researchers determined that 14 of the blood measurements, including inflammation and fluid balance, were the greatest indicators to predict if a person would die within the next 5 to 10 years.

To test their theory, they analyzed blood sample data taken from 7,603 people in 1997. Then, using the 14 identified biomarkers, they attempted to predict the likelihood that each person would have died within the next five to 10 years. They found their predictions were right approximately 83 percent of the time, higher than even they anticipated.

Based on their conclusion, published in a prominent medical journal, with one sample of your blood you can know if you don’t change anything, how much longer you will live. The question is what will you do with that information?

The truth is, we don’t need a blood test to tell us that we won’t live forever. In South Florida we are currently facing a category 5 hurricane with potentially catastrophic conditions. When a new storm develops and begins heading towards making landfall, the experts offer their best projections of where it is going and when it will get there. The “cone of uncertainty” is formed, and with each periodic update the communities and people in its path desperately look to see if they are still projected to sustain a hit. As long as one remains in the cone of uncertainty, there is an unavoidable angst and the tortuous process of waiting and anticipating what is to come.

If this past year in the world in general and our community in particular has taught us anything, it is that we are all in the cone of uncertainty always. Each day that we wake up is uncertain of what it can and will bring. Will we be visited by a devastating diagnosis, a mass shooting, a natural disaster, a terror event, a car accident or some other threat? None of us have certainty; at these times, we all confrontour mortality and vulnerability.

But what do we do with that feeling? Will we give up, give in, fatalistically become complacent and content? Or, will it motivate us to stop procrastinating and take advantage of each and every moment? Will we not bother trying because what is it all worth, or will we finally stop saying I will get to it and make it, whatever it is for us, happen right now? We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, we can only make the most of today.

Our rabbis describe two opposite reactions to a feeling of mortality and fragility. They discourage us from approaching life with the attitude of echol, v’shaso, ki machar namus, eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die. Recognition of our own mortality has for some become a license for hedonism, to live selfishly and spend life pursuing immediate gratification and instant pleasure

Instead, our rabbis encourage us to say im lo achshav aimasai, if not now, when. Judaism teaches us to take our feelings of fragility and vulnerability and use them as springboards to grow, change and make a difference. A sense of mortality should encourage us to take advantage of every moment, to cherish every opportunity. Indeed, the Torah believes carpe diem, seize the day, but not for pleasure and selfish interests. Rather, seize the day to contribute to society, positively affect another person, become a better spouse, parent or grandparent, make the most of every moment. It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be.

I am always amazed by our hurricane heroes, the people who step up, show up and so generously help others by lending their generator, putting up shutters, dropping off a flashlight or just sharing where there is no line for gas. Some face a category 5 hurricane turn inward only to take care of themselves and their home. Others confront a collective potential catastrophe and turn outwards asking what can I do for others? Some secure their home, their possessions and their safety and others think about a neighbor, a single, ill, or older person who may need some help. The feeling of mortality and fear of the unknown can inspire a more selfish today or a more selfless today, the choice is up to us.

We have begun the month of Elul and with it the countdown to the High Holy Days. It is not a coincidence that we end Mussaf both days of Rosh Hashanah and on Yom Kippur with a moving piyyut that begins each stanza by signing the word hayom, today.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring…literally. Will we be hit by a catastrophic storm or will it shift away from us? Will we suffer damage or emerge unscathed? Will we be in danger or escape safely? Uncertainty is a large cone and we are in it. Nobody, including the weather people, know what tomorrow brings. So for now, let’s make sure to live our best lives in the only dimension we can – hayom, today.

I Attended an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting and Wish I Could Go More Often

Thirteen years ago, I had the unenviable task of confronting someone about his drinking problem. His alcoholism was ruining not only his life, but compromising his marriage, hurting his children, sabotaging his finances, and damaging his health. Those closest to him could no longer tolerate his addiction and its consequences. I was asked to meet with him and make clear that if he didn’t change, everything he knew in his life would change, and not for the better.

I will never forget that evening. I came to his home and began the conversation. He was sipping a beer while he listened attentively. I told him that everyone important in his life felt that he had a problem and if he didn’t get help, they would have nothing to do with him. I remember it felt like slow motion as he put the bottle of beer down on the table in a deliberate way. He paused, thought for a moment, and said, “Ok. I will do whatever it takes.”

That fateful night thirteen years ago he put down a bottle of beer and has not picked up a drop of alcohol since. For 4,475 straight days, he has faced an impulse, confronted a temptation and defeated it. How many of us can say the same? He has done it with a ton of willpower, but also with an enormous amount of support, AA meetings, sponsors, and with a lot of courage and faith.

Most Alcoholics Anonymous meetings begin by recognizing celebrants marking milestones of sobriety with a token or medallion given to them by someone instrumental in their recovery. This past week, my friend honored me by asking if I would award him his thirteen-year medallion at an open AA meeting.

A standard AA meeting may be typical for the dozens of people in attendance, but it was a life-transforming hour for me. There are so many aspects to the meeting that are inspiring and frankly, our Shul—and Judaism as a whole—could learn a great deal from AA’s success. Watching a community of people comfortable and confident enough to be vulnerable come together to share, support, express faith, and talk about making amends, touched me deeply and made me feel jealous—not of their addiction, but of this opportunity it presents.

The meeting featured men and women, young and old, people covered in tattoos and piercings, and others in expensive suits. It is hard to imagine a more eclectic and diverse group assembled in one room, and yet, for all their differences, I don’t know that I have ever been in the presence of people who felt so united, so together, and so much like family with one another.

The members of AA are part of a special fraternity, a group united by a common battle who can accordingly relate to one another in ways nobody else in their lives can. The loyalty, kinship, and extraordinary displays of support are something truly special.

I listened attentively as the meeting opened with a reading of the 12 steps followed by the 12 promises the program makes to those who steadfastly follow them. If we were honest with ourselves we would recognize that in truth, everyone in the world has a vice, a poor habit, or an addiction. Some are workaholics who never see their families. Others are shopaholics who spend beyond what they have or buy things beyond what they could possibly need. Some struggle with gossip, others are challenged not to gaze at lewd images. Some lead sedentary lives in which they never exercise, and others have eating habits that leave much to be desired. Some are quick to anger, and others seem to never have learned how to speak nicely. Some drive too quickly and others text while driving. Some procrastinate while others are perfectionists to a fault. Some can’t disconnect from their technology and others can’t live without their reality TV.

While society may label all of these “bad habits,” for some reason we put them in a different category than other addictions like alcohol or drugs, even though they feature similar patterns, cravings, and compulsions, and can also lead to devastating consequences. While alcoholics and drug addicts have programs and support groups, most of the other practices are not only not addressed, we often excuse their behavior at best and encourage it at worst. The workaholic impresses us, and we may even be jealous of the shopaholic. We dismiss, or sometimes even glorify, the tech junkie as “quirky” or “hip” and we may actually identify with junk food addict. The procrastinator says they can’t find inspiration until the last minute and the person obsessed with reality TV is just a pop culture enthusiast.

The members of Alcoholics Anonymous have an incredible amount to teach the rest of us, their fellow addicts who can’t live without our vices, what it means to confront a bad habit, to stare down a relentless temptation, and to persevere.

In my few moments to present, I turned to all those gathered in the room and said: “So many of you feel broken because of the substances you abused, the choices you have made and the implications they caused. But you are not broken. If you are in here, if you found the will to come to a meeting, to introduce yourself as having an addiction, if you have the willingness to do what it takes to overcome it, you are in fact whole. The people out there, those who don’t come to meetings, who don’t address their shortcomings, poor judgment and challenges, they are the broken ones. You are my heroes; you are what I and others should aspire to be.”

I then turned to my friend and reminded him of that night thirteen years prior when he put the bottle down. I spoke about that moment that he looked in the proverbial mirror, didn’t like what he saw and became determined to change it. That night was the beginning of the rest of his life. It was a rebirth of sorts, making this thirteen-year anniversary his Bar Mitzvah of sorts, a day truly worth celebrating.

Those who successfully overcome alcoholism are warriors worthy of both our admiration and emulation. After all, the famous Mishna in Avos (Ethics of our Fathers) teaches: Eizehu gibor – Ha’koveish es yitzro. Who is a mighty warrior? One who conquers his or her inclination.

This Shabbos, we will bless the new month of Elul and usher in a season of reflection, introspection, and personal growth. We will soon be evaluated for our lifestyles, our habits, and our behaviors. It is time to perform an intervention on ourselves and to finally admit that we have a problem or, in some cases, multiple problems.

Everyone who shares at an AA meeting begins by saying his or her name followed by the courageous admission: “and I am an alcoholic.” What participants say only has credibility and meaning if it begins with an admission and acknowledgement that there is a problem. Similarly, our teshuva process, our journey toward change must begin with a confession, the verbalized, articulated statement: I made a mistake, I have a problem, and I want to correct my ways.

“B’makom she’baalei teshuva omdim, tzadikim gemurim einam yecholim la’amod. In the place that someone who has conquered his or her flaws stands, a purely righteous person is not worthy to stand.” The recovering addict, no matter the addiction, is in fact superior, say our rabbis.

The Gerrer Rebbe once met a young man learning at Ohr Somayach, a yeshiva mostly for Ba’alei Teshuva in Yerushalayim, and asked him where he learned. The young man replied that he learned at Ohr Somayach, but hastened to add, “But I am not a Ba’al Teshuva.” The Rebbe did not hesitate before asking him, “Far vos nisht – and why not?”

If you have a problem with addiction, you are not alone. There are so many resources available today. Take advantage, reach out to one of the rabbis or to our local Jewish Family Services (561) 852-3333. Take the first step toward the rest of your life. If you don’t have a clinical addiction, you still don’t have to wait to hit rock bottom to address whatever needs to be changed in your life.

B’ezras Hashem, my friend will soon reach 4,500 straight days of battling his vice. Confront yours and make today your first.

To Find Your Balance, Grab On To The Daf: A Tribute to Rabbi Dr. Brian Galbut z”l

Despite a grueling schedule as a prominent physician, serving as Vice President of Boca Raton Synagogue, President of Torah Academy of Boca Raton, and spending time with his beautiful family, Brian Galbut z”l always set aside time for learning each and every day. His library of personal seforim, filled with notes, comments and underlines, testifies to the time he spent poring over them and the depths of Torah he plumbed using them as his compass. In addition to the learning he did to prepare Chaburas he would deliver in our Shul, and to his daily learning with each of his children, for many years, Brian cherished learning the Daf Yomi. For well over a decade, early each morning, before the sun had even risen, Brian could be found learning the Daf with his chavrusa and friend, Rabbi Ben Sugerman.

The Gemara (Yevamos 121a) tells us that Rabban Gamliel relates that he was once at sea and from a distance saw a boat that had capsized and sank. “I was distraught over the loss of Rebbe Akiva who was on board. When I disembarked onto dry land, Rebbe Akiva came before me to study. Shocked, I asked, ‘My son, who brought you up from the water?’ Rebbe Akiva responded, דף של ספינה , a daf (wooden plank) from the boat floated to me, I grabbed unto it and I bent my head before each and every wave that came toward me until I reached the shore.’”

Rav Meir Shapiro, the founder of the Daf Yomi, would quote this story and say when we feel life has thrown us overboard, when we sense that we are drowning, we, too, can grab onto our daf, the Daf Yomi, to find balance and to feel safe.

A little over two years ago, when Brian was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor, the Daf took on even greater significance to him and he grabbed onto it. Literally the week after his first brain surgery, Brian was not recuperating in his bed or convalescing on the couch, but sitting in the local Kollel. He felt learning Torah, reviewing the Daf over and over again was a critical part of his healing process. When I planned a visit, he said, “Why don’t you come meet me at the Kollel, we can do the Daf,” and that is exactly what we did on more than one occasion.

Brian decided early on that if he had to confront a horrific illness, he would use it to inspire and ignite others. He would call or text people he knew hadn’t been learning daily or weren’t challenging themselves in Torah and he would ask if they would agree to learn the Daf in his merit. Who could say no to this incredibly genuine and special person asking for help? A “BG Daf Yomi” WhatsApp group was set up, and recruiting people to his growing campaign became Brian’s focus. Nothing gave him more joy than seeing the Torah discussions and talking in learning about the Daf in that group.

In the two years that he valiantly and heroically fought his illness, he recruited over 100 people to that group. Over 70,000 blatt gemara were learned in his merit, at his request. He would text someone asking them to learn and then check in for weeks on how the learning was going. When the Daf completed a masechta he would text people individually to wish a mazel tov and make sure they were keeping up. I know of one person who had literally not opened a Gemara since high school, who was struggling to find inspiration to learn, whom Brian successfully recruited to his movement. That individual hasn’t missed a day of learning a daf of Gemara in two years. Brian had actually reserved April 9, 2025 on his calendar for this new masmid’s personal Siyum HaShas and while he tragically won’t physically be there to celebrate it, there is no doubt he will take pride in knowing that he inspired 2,711 straight days of Torah learning just for that one person alone.

But long before Brian was ever diagnosed, he was always inspiring everyone around him. He was, without exaggeration, one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. He had semicha, a degree from Yale medical school, and was the best husband, father and community leader most of us have known. Brian was literally a walking Kiddush Hashem. In the hospital, his colleagues, nurses and patients not only admired him but came to admire what he stood for. In the Beis Medrash, around the board room, on the basketball court or the golf course, his enthusiasm, positivity, unwavering Emunah, warmth, and love were contagious.

As a cardiologist, he didn’t just treat his patient’s hearts, he gave them his own, taking a genuine interest in their overall well-being. If his patient was Jewish he connected them with our outreach efforts and invited them to be part of the community.

When new people moved to town or when someone looked down and out, Brian gravitated specifically towards them. He was often the last person out of shul because he shmoozed with so many and so many loved to be around him. He was friendly with people from all backgrounds, from every segment of our community. He didn’t care where you sent your children to school, what yarmulke you wore, or how you voted. He didn’t see external trappings, he saw your heart, he connected with your neshama and he connected your neshama closer to the things he held so dear, loving Torah, loving Hashem and loving all Jews. He worked hard on behalf of specific institutions he was connected with, but he was supportive of any institution that would grow Torah, whether his children went there or not, whether he was a member or not.

The Sfas Emes only lived to be fifty-eight years old. When he passed away, one of his sons turned to the other and said, “Well, at least our father had arichus yamim.” “What do you mean?” the other brother replied, “He had such a short life!” “I didn’t say he had arichus shanim, long years, I said he had arichus yamim, long and full days.” Brian’s shanim were way too short, way too few. He was snatched from us, from his family, from our community, from his patients and from the difference he had yet to make in this world. But while he didn’t have arichus shanim, he most certainly had arichus yamim, making the most of each day, living each to its fullest, packing in more than anyone I know.

My yedid nefesh, Baruch Tzvi Ben Reuven Nosson, Brian, was snatched from this world at 47 years old. Yet anyone who knew him would agree that he most certainly achieved arichus yamim. He did more in a day than most accomplish in a week or longer.

One of Brian’s expressions that flowed from his lips constantly was “Baruch Hashem.” No matter the challenge he faced or the obstacles he confronted, he continued to emphatically proclaim “Baruch Hashem, Hashem is amazing.” During harsh treatments, when receiving bad news, or even when his faculties began to fail him, he continued to smile and declare, Ein Od Milvado, there is no one but Him. He didn’t just say it, he meant it, he believed it, he lived it. Just a few months ago, following Ma’ariv the night of Rosh Chodesh Adar, when everyone else turned to go home, it was Brian, who despite being unable to articulate the words, launched into the tune for mi’shenichnas adar marbim b’simcha with all his energy. People stopped in their tracks, came back in and Brian led everyone in singing and dancing.

Brian’s funeral was on Tisha B’Av. Chazal tell us מיתתן של צדיקים כשריפת בית אלוקינו שקולה, the death of the righteous is equal to the burning of the Beis HaMikdash. The reason is that each is a vehicle for Hashem finding expression in this world and the loss of both are a churban. One of Hashem’s greatest angels who best represented Him, drew others close to Him, and sanctified His name everywhere he went, is no longer. His loss is a true churban.

Towards the end, when Brian was extremely limited, he would play Rabbi Rosner’s Daf shiur over and over again. When he was no longer conscious, it was the Daf that played by his bed and comforted his Neshama. Throughout, Brian grabbed on to the Daf while we clung to him.

With his passing, it is we who feel thrown overboard, drowning in sorrow and pain. Baruch Hashem he has taught us and modeled for us that in moments like this, to regain our balance and find safety, the answer is to grab onto the daf, be it Daf Yomi or another commitment of Torah learning, a little tighter.

The Heart of Orthodoxy is Healthy and Strong: Seeing the Opportunities Within Every Difficulty

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;

an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Winston Churchill

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Lately, I have been thinking about this quote. There are significant and real “difficulties” all around us, as Jews and as Americans. Within our Orthodox community, we continue to confront scandals that should cause us to reassess our educational emphases and our priorities. We have injustices that need to be addressed in our policies and attitudes. As Americans, just this week, tragic mass shootings have again alerted us to the pressing need for revamping gun laws and meaningfully addressing mental health challenges, among other important issues.

Difficulties and problems should never get swept under the carpet, be excused, rationalized, or ignored. Our mandate as Torah Jews is to consistently work to repair and improve Hashem’s world, to protect the vulnerable, stand up for those with no voice, and pursue justice and righteousness, both within our own community and without.

Indeed, such activity is not only noble and virtuous, it is what God expects from us and it is what He values, even above ritual and sacrifice. In Mishlei (21:3), Shlomo HaMelech teaches, עֲ֭שֹׂה צְדָקָ֣ה וּמִשְׁפָּ֑ט נִבְחָ֖ר לַה׳ מִזָּֽבַח, “To do what is right and just is more desired by God than sacrifice.” Our great Prophet Yeshayahu gave us the exact formula to bring redemption: “צִיּ֖וֹן בְּמִשְׁפָּ֣ט תִּפָּדֶ֑ה וְשָׁבֶ֖יהָ בִּצְדָקָֽה׃, Zion will be saved through the practice of justice; Her captives released through righteousness.”

Yes, the problems surrounding us are very real. But when confronting them, the question remains are we optimists or pessimists, do we see opportunities or difficulties, are we focused on solutions or on challenges?

A recent article cogently and compellingly presented several real challenges that the Orthodox community faces, specifically with regard to Orthodox women. The author is passionately working to address them and to make important changes in policies and attitudes. While I don’t agree with all of the characterizations and conclusions, the message itself was valuable. The messaging, in contrast, was not. The author wrote, in reference to these challenges, “The heart of Orthodoxy is broken, splintered into a dangerous and gaping divide.” Not only do I believe that is an inaccurate diagnosis of the health of our collective heart, I believe this portrayal can be damaging and destructive.

The Orthodox community, or at a minimum segments of it, has never provided as many opportunities for women to study Torah, and to do so at high levels, as it does today. Women have never had as many opportunities for leadership within the community as they do today. Some wish the opportunities were broader, others wish that change would happen faster. And to be sure, there are segments of the Orthodox community practicing more restrictive policies, guided by what they consider issues of modesty, which offend and even harm. But should that alone determine the health of the heart of orthodoxy?

Work to make the changes you believe should happen. Fight to correct injustices, wrongs and damaging practices. But do so with the perspective that in many ways we are in the golden age of Orthodoxy in America, for men and for women. Don’t only see how far there is to go, see how far we have come. Don’t portray an Orthodoxy broken and divided, but one that is working to be whole, that is beautiful, warm, welcoming, passionate, and inspiring.

Do we want people to read about Orthodoxy, be turned off and walk away, or read that we have the courage to address our deficiencies and faults, but at the same time are proud to present and participate in a community that is filled with kindness, goodness, opportunity, love and spirituality? Do we want to present our difficulties as opportunities or see the opportunities as difficulties?

The great authority on healthy marriages, Dr. John Gottman, teaches about the difference in between what he calls “negative sentiment override” and “positive sentiment override” and their impact on relationships. Our overall perspective on each other and the health of our relationship influences our mindset towards one another when issues arise. When we invest quality time and meaningful communication and the overall framework of a relationship is healthy and strong, our positive sentiment can override suspicion, criticism, and negativity and enable us to address issues constructively and productively. When our relationship is malnourished, we bring a negative sentiment such that everything the other person does and says is interpreted through a negative lens, precluding us from breakthrough or reconciliation.

When it comes to our relationship with our Orthodox community, do we bring and promote a negative sentiment, or are we practicing positive sentiment override?

The same questions can be asked about the tone and tenor of current conversations in America. Hate, hateful speech and most certainly hate crimes, must be confronted and demand real action and change. But the response to hate can’t just be hate, the reaction to rhetoric shouldn’t be more rhetoric, and the answer to negativity is not more negativity. The problems in this country are real, they are significant, and they must be addressed with meaningful legislation and change. But don’t lose sight of the fact that it is still one of the greatest, safest countries, not only in the world, but in history. We hear about horrific, violent incidents too frequently, but are we aware or do we appreciative that violent crime in America continues to be on a sharp, steady decline over the last 25 years?

The Talmud (Makkos 24b) tells the famous story of Rebbe Akiva and his colleagues observing the Temple Mount after the destruction. They watched as a fox emerged from the Holy of Holies. The other rabbis cried at the sight of such devastation and desecration, but Rebbe Akiva laughed. When asked, he explained that just as the prophecy of destruction had now taken place, the prophecy of redemption and rebuilding will take place as well. Where they saw difficulty, Rebbe Akiva saw opportunity. When they saw sadness, he saw hope and possibility.

If we want to bring the redemption, we must have the courage to be willing to not only see the problems, but to address them seriously. But we must be careful to do so as students of Rebbe Akiva, optimists who see the opportunities within each difficulty.

Take a Vacation With God, Not From Him

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Each year, like so many of you, I eagerly look forward to my summer vacation. Used properly, a vacation is not only an opportunity to take a break from the rigors of work, but it provides tremendous growth opportunities. In fact, how we use our vacation and what we do in our down time not only reveals much about us and our priorities, it sends a loud message to our children as well.

Every day in Shema we recite “ושננתם לבניך ודברת בם,” teach your children and speak about Torah, “בשבתך בביתך ובלכתך בדרך,” when you are sitting at home and when you are traveling on the way. We certainly teach our children through the words we say and the messages we articulate. But even more so, we teach them through our actions and behaviors בשבתך בביתך, what we do when we are at home, and בלכתך בדרך, when we are out of our homes, traveling on the road, away on vacation.

When we are on vacation from our job, do our children perceive we are on vacation from our Judaism, or do they see us use that time off from work to do what we claim we care about but “never have enough time for,” to nurture and nourish our souls? Do we find the time to attend minyan if we normally can’t, to stay until the end if we normally run out, to take our time if we are normally in a rush? Do we set goals to finish a book or catch up on Torah texts or online classes only to instead catch up on popular shows and finish “must see” Netflix series? Do we truly disconnect to be fully present with those that we love in meaningful, memorable ways, or do we remain absent present, still distracted, if not by work responsibilities, by other things competing for our attention?

The summer is not only a time for us adults to rejuvenate, revitalize and refresh. Children often experience incredible growth spurts over the summer, sometimes to the point the clothing they wore at the end of one school year no longer fits by the beginning of the next. Similarly, the summer break represents an amazing, often neglected opportunity for children to grow emotionally and spiritually as well. I would humbly submit to you that the two months between school years is as important and significant in molding and shaping a child as the ten months they attend school.

For ten months a year, children that attend Yeshiva Day School are well-versed and familiar with the weekly parsha. Do we make sure that they study the parshiyos that fall between June and August as well? For ten months a year, our children begin each day by davening to Hashem. Do we make sure that they realize that davening is part of a Jew’s daily routine, whether they are in school, working, or on vacation?

For ten months of the year, many children wear uniforms or follow dress codes that preserve the values of dignity and modesty. Are those values reinforced over the summer or do children learn that they are just rules for school, not for life? Our children have chessed and community service requirements for school, are they encouraged to find chessed and service opportunities when not in school, too?

The summer provides tremendous growth opportunities for our children, but sadly, it also presents risks and threats for their safety if we are not careful and if they are not well informed.

With our children off from school, many of them heading off to camp and others having more leisure time roaming the neighborhood, there is no better time to rededicate ourselves to best practices for safety for our family and community in general. Review stranger danger. Have proper and working smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors in appropriate locations. Lock the doors to your car and home, no matter how safe you feel. Make sure your pool fence is sturdy and closed. Don’t let children swim unsupervised or alone, teach children to use sunscreen, and make sure they always wear helmets when riding bikes or scooters. Be vigilant in reviewing with your children where they are going, what they are doing, who is driving them, who else will be there, what they are seeing, etc.

While the world is generally a safe place and the people our children are exposed to are almost always appropriate and safe, sadly the threat of abuse is real. Research has consistently shown that the most important and effective tool to protect our children is education. As loving and trusted parents, we have the capacity to safeguard our children, but it means having a difficult and uncomfortable conversation.

My friend Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, a respected voice on the topic of child safety education, identifies four points to communicate to our children in order to empower them to protect themselves and to transform them into difficult targets for predators:

No secrets from parents – In a non-anxious, calm conversation we must remind our children that we love them beyond words and that they can feel confident confiding in us about absolutely anything. We must make them recognize that we take them seriously, we will honor their concerns and fears, and we will always do everything in our power to serve their best interests.

Your body belongs to you – It is crucial for children to understand the concept of personal space and that our bodies belong to us, and us alone. Our private parts are ours and absolutely nobody, not a friend, family member, or person in any position of authority, can have access to them.

Good touch/bad touch – Not every touch is bad and qualifies as abuse. However, there is touch that is categorically wrong and should set off an alarm for our children. They must understand the difference so that they can be aware and respond appropriately.

No one should make you feel uncomfortable – Lastly, we must communicate to our children that no one should make them feel uncomfortable. If they do, they have a right to walk away and tell someone they trust.

Too many parents are avoiding this talk because they think they will introduce their children to a topic that will make them fear adults and worry excessively. However, the experts explain that rather than fear adults, children will feel safer knowing they can trust their parents and they will feel empowered to protect themselves going forward.

While it is never comfortable to broach this subject, good opportunities for bringing it up can be bath times for young children, clothes shopping for older children, or at the time of a doctor’s appointment. Should God forbid an issue arise, the best way to respond to our children is to tell them that we believe them and that we will react swiftly and appropriately.

Halacha (Jewish law) is clear that safety concerns must be reported to the appropriate authorities and all mandated reporting laws must be observed. Remaining silent, covering up, or excusing inexcusable behavior leaves other children vulnerable to abuse and trauma that will haunt them their entire lives and do what can be irreparable damage.

May we all have a safe and healthy summer and may we experience a great spiritual growth spurt.

101% Guaranteed To Change Your Life

Who doesn’t want to be happier at work? New research concludes that greater happiness and satisfaction at work doesn’t come from more vacation days, additional downtime, or even more perks. This study found that the best way to ensure that you’re happy at your job is to spend more time learning.

Among the 2,049 workers surveyed, including freelancers and entrepreneurs, in the United States, United Kingdom, Sweden, Iceland, Denmark, Finland, Norway, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Germany, France, Australia, India, Singapore, and Hong Kong, those who were “heavy” learners — devoting more than five hours a week to things like reading, taking classes, and watching online courses — reported being happier, less stressed, more productive and more confident than those who spent less time learning.

Science is only now catching up to what our Torah knew all along. Learning, studying, and attending shiurim have been among our core values since the Torah was first given thousands of years ago. We are not just the rabbis or teachers of the book, but we are the people of the book, a people devoted to continued education and lifelong learning.

The pasuk says, V’hagisa bo yomam va’layla, toil in Torah day and night. We are mandated to be a community of “heavy” learners, finding time each and every day to study. Doing so not only helps us gain knowledge and improve ourselves, but it turns out also guarantees to make us happier, more satisfied, more confident, and more productive.

A few months ago, our Beis Medrash of BRS organized a trip to New York to expand our exposure to Torah leaders and gain inspiration for continued learning. Over the course of our two days, we visited several Yeshivos and met with extraordinary Talmidei Chachamim including Rav Naftali Jaeger, Rav Yonasan Sacks, Rav Baruch Simon, Rav Yaakov Glasser, Rav Moshe Weinberger, Rav Ephraim Wachsman, The Skverer Rebbe, Rav YY Jacobson, Rav Zvi Sobolovsky, Rav Mordechai Willig, Rav Moshe Tzvi Weinberg, and Rav Avraham Schorr. After a quick stop at the Rebbe’s Ohel, our group returned to Boca on fire, inspired and passionately committed to not letting a day go by without learning Torah.

Each Rav shared Divrei Torah and graciously engaged us in questions and answers. Many of the messages overlapped, though each brought their own distinct approach to Torah and a Torah way of life. While every Rav offered ideas that were transformational, Rav Avraham Schorr, Rav of Congregation Nezer Gedalyahu in Brooklyn, not only gave us inspiration, he sent us back with homework.

The Gemara (Chagiga 9b) teaches:

א”ל עבדו ולא עבדו תרוייהו צדיקי גמורי נינהו ואינו דומה שונה פרקו מאה פעמים לשונה פרקו מאה ואחד

“Hillel teaches the one ‘who serves Him’ and the one ‘who does not serve Him’ are both referring to completely righteous people. But the pasuk is hinting at a distinction between them, as one who reviews his studies one hundred times is not comparable to one who reviews his studies one hundred and one times.”

In order to qualify as a true eved Hashem, one who serves Hashem, you must be willing to study a Torah text not just one hundred times but review it one hundred and one times.

Said Rav Schorr, if the Gemara promises that reviewing 101 times is the key to being an eved Hashem, it must be true. He therefore turned to our group and challenged us to take one blatt, one page of Gemara, and learn it each day for 101 days straight. Don’t skip, don’t get bored with that one text. Never miss a day, he enthusiastically charged, explaining: “The first 30 days will take a long time. By the 40^th and 50^th times it will take 15 minutes. By the 90^th time you will walk on the street and recite the page by heart.”

He told us of a Jew he knew who had recently passed away who, in addition to his other learning, reviewed the same Torah material for forty years in a row, every single day. The man suggested that when the Gemara (Shabbos 31a) tells us that we will each be challenged by the heavenly court, kavata ittim l’Torah, did we establish set times for Torah learning, it means did we learn the same thing, in the same place, at the same time, each and every day. Achieving that level of kevi’us, of consistency and constancy, will transform a person and mold them into a true eved Hashem.

Rav Schorr concluded by saying, “Take the first page of Maseches Berachos and learn it for the next 101 days in a row. Never miss a day. I’ll tell you what you’ll do afterwards, you won’t stop.”

Honestly, I knew our group was moved, but I didn’t think anyone would take him up on it. One hundred and one days is a long time to not miss. This was a group of doctors, lawyers, and businessmen with busy lives juggling family responsibilities with professional obligations, leaving very little discretionary time. Maybe they had time to learn a little each day but would anyone really take on this challenge, reviewing the same page of Gemara 101 days in a row?

The hundred and first day after our “fly-in” trip fell out on Lag Ba’Omer. Our group held a BBQ reunion. We ate, sang, and shared memories of the trip, but what happened next literally brought tears to my eyes. One of the members of our group had made laminated copies of Daf Beis, the first page of Maseches Brachos, and given it out to the group when we returned from the trip. Now, on Lag Ba’Omer, a day dedicated to celebrating the survival and continuation of Torah She’b’al Peh, the group went around reciting the page of Gemara. Though only one person at a time had the actual page in front of them, several others, who were celebrating their 101st consecutive day with this daf, recited it in unison by heart.

One of the people from the group who had completed the challenge said that his goal at the outset was by Day 40 to be able to learn the page without using the Artscroll. He did it, and by day 101, he was literally reciting the page – a full page of Gemara, two sides – by heart. It was an absolutely inspiring and breathtaking thing to see.

Another member of the group described that at times in life a person can feel lonely, but ever since he has mastered this page of Talmud, he feels he is never alone because Berachos Daf Beis has become his friend and accompanies him wherever he goes. No doubt the person who said this is special, but he isn’t a Rosh Yeshiva, a Gadol HaDor. He is a professional, a “regular guy,” someone we would consider among the ba’al ha’batim in our community. Yet, that daily commitment to study and the acquiring of a real ownership of one page of Talmud transformed his relationship with Torah learning, with Hashem, and even to a degree with himself, and it can for you, too.

I would have expected the group to say, “That was an interesting experiment,” feel proud and accomplished for having succeeded, and move on. But Rav Avraham Schorr was 101% correct. He said, “I’ll tell you what you’ll do afterwards, you won’t stop,” and he was right. Some in the group have continued with Berachos Daf Gimmel and started a new count, others are taking on Shabbos Daf Beis, but in the end, all those who had finished the assignment just wanted to continue one way or another.

As we celebrate Shavuos, a day that doesn’t commemorate the Torah being given thousands of years ago, but a day on which we each stand at Har Sinai again and receive the Torah anew, we must ask ourselves, do we want to be happy, do we want to be productive and do we want to be less stressed?

It is time to become “heavy” learners, setting aside time each day to study, grow and improve. Find something that interests you, learn it, and take the time to review it again and again. I’ll tell you what you’ll do afterwards, you won’t stop.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHrSLa0aG-4

??? ???? – Shavuos Derasha Digest

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;

an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Winston Churchill

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