Stand Up and Fight Back

Many of us saw our parents fight for soviet Jewry. Others saw their parents fight for the birth of the state of Israel or on her behalf after the 6 day war and Yom Kippur war. Some saw their parents fight to pioneer Jewish communities and found day schools, Shuls and Mikvahs. What do our children see us fight for? What do they see us get excited about? Where do they see our passion directed?

Last week, Houston’s Beren Academy boys’ basketball team made a great kiddush Hashem when they showed their willingness to sacrifice their basketball ambitions, rather than sacrifice Shabbos. They reached the semifinals only to learn that the game would be played on Friday night. Despite their Christian opponent’s willingness to adjust the schedule, the league said no and insisted the game had to be played on Shabbos. The school sued, won, and the boys defeated their opponents in the semifinal only to lose in the final. But the truth is, at that point it no longer mattered if they won or lost. The statement had been made to the world, through Jewish media and more significantly, secular national and international media including CNN, Foxnews, ESPN and other. These boys had demonstrated their willingness to forfeit the dream of any adolescent, to win a championship, in order to honor Shabbos.

While most of the world focuses on the positive message this team sent the world about the value of Shabbos, I believe that the greatest impact of their decision was on themselves. These boys will grow up and forever remember the experience of standing up for something, protesting on principal and fighting for a core value. The fierce loyalty to Shabbos and the satisfaction of Jewish pride are indelibly impressed on them forever.

Last Shabbos morning, I gave a sermon that included referring to the relative silence of Jewish groups on Harvard’s campus in light of the anti-Israel conference being held there, as appalling. The response to my sermon was for the most part very positive, but surprisingly, this one point touched a nerve and drew some heavy push back. One man from outside our community, who had read the sermon on a blog, called my home late one evening to heavily criticize my message saying that his son attends Harvard and given the challenging nature of the Ivy League school, there is no time to protest or object even to inappropriate conferences. He also argued that there is less than a minyan of Orthodox students and therefore, no organized protest is possible.

While this man’s arguments in response to my sermon didn’t exactly convince me to retract my remarks, other comments did cause me to think about this issue further. I have learned that Chabad on campus did, in fact, organize a protest and I believe they deserve our encouragement and appreciation. I also heard from a leader of another Jewish campus group who was offended by my words and took great exception to the way I related the situation. He communicated that outrage and protest are not the only response and that a strategic decision was made not to react in this way. Instead, students shared their opinion through op-eds in the campus newspaper, the Harvard Crimson.

I feel terrible for having offended him or his students and told him so. As a person on the ground, his assessment of the situation and the impact of this conference directly affect him. The argument that we should not shine a light on our enemies and provide the attention they seek certainly has merit. Nevertheless, I still feel strongly that a more public response should have taken place for many reasons.

Firstly, the strategy of remaining mostly silent, not giving our enemies attention, not reacting with outrage and protest, is simply not working. We are losing the battle on campuses and we are losing badly. The pro-Palestinian students have dominated the conversation with their narrative of modern Israeli history and there is growing sympathy for the Palestinian plight, with increasing hostility towards Israel on campuses across this country. It seems to me that remaining shy, quiet and working behind the scenes, all arguments I have heard locally and now from Harvard, are simply not working to silence our enemies or slow the growth of their movement.

But, there is a second consideration that to me is as important as winning the public relations battle on campus and that is winning the hearts and identities of our Jewish students. Most of them, including Day School graduates are tremendously under equipped to handle confrontations with anti-Israel groups. While our local Jewish Day Schools do a good job, ask the average child who has been in Jewish school their whole life, simple questions like – What is an armistice line? What is the green line and when was it established? Are Arabs citizens in Israel and do they have a vote? What are the Biblical borders of Israel and how have the modern borders changed from 1948 to the present? Who started each of Israel’s wars and who did we fight? Has there ever been a country called Palestine and who were its citizens? You may be shocked by their ignorance, and to a certain degree lack of interest or passion.

I submit to you that our Jewish students on campus lack the knowledge, passion, spirit and courage to properly fight for Israel and it is largely our fault. We have failed them by not providing rigorous modern Israel history curriculum in their education. And, moreover, we fail them when we encourage a shy, behind the scenes, approach when pro Palestinians activists aggressively promote anti-Israel sentiment on campus. The strategy employed recently at Harvard and frankly, only a year ago in our own backyard, does a disservice to our Jewish students, in my opinion, who could use an experience fighting for something.

Mordechai told Esther 2,500 years ago, salvation and redemption will come from God through someone else, but if you don’t rise to the occasion by lobbying and protesting, you and your family will be lost. The same can be said of us. I am confident that Hashem has a plan for Israel and that security and prosperity will come despite what is happening on campuses and elsewhere. But, what will be with us and with our precious children if they go through life never having stood up for something, never having fought for a value or ideal, never protesting an injustice and never advocating for our beloved State of Israel?

The famous South African author Alan Paton once said, “When I go up there, the Big Judge will say to me, ‘Where are your wounds?’ and if I say ‘I haven’t any,’ He will say, ‘Was there nothing to fight for?’ I couldn’t face that question.”

We are correctly concerned about Jewish continuity, Jewish pride, and Jewish living. Let’s solidify our children’s Jewish identities and values by teaching them that there are some things worth fighting for, whether it is not playing a semifinal game on Shabbos, or confronting anti-Israel and anti-Semitic activists on campus.

Can You Be Proud of Your Google Profile?

Wine is not only good for the heart, but drinking it very well may reveal what is in your heart that you didn’t intend on sharing with others. Our Rabbis understood that nichnas yayin, yatzah sod, when wine enters, secrets come out. A little l’chaim can remove inhibitions, dispel shyness, and generally cloud judgment.

On the one hand, that is why wine is associated with Purim. It is a holiday of integrating the revealed and the hidden, that which is on the surface and that which is buried beneath. However, on the other hand, it is also one reason why Judaism looks so unfavorably on the misuse and abuse of alcohol and why we must be so careful, cautious and vigilant over the holiday of Purim not to drink inappropriately or irresponsibly.

In many ways, the internet parallels wine. Both are intoxicating and addictive. Both can be used to advance friendship and camaraderie, or God forbid if used without mindfulness, can lead to ignoble and dishonorable activities and consequences.

The internet has done remarkable things in drawing out hidden aspects of people that might otherwise remain latent and buried. Sometimes, this can be for the good. For example, I know a number of people who in person are shy, reticent, withdrawn and quiet. And yet, in their online personalities such as through twitter, facebook or a blog, they are outgoing, opinionated and sometimes even quirky. However, in other ways, the anonymity of sitting behind a monitor seemingly alone can provoke curiosity and seduce almost any individual to access sites, pictures and places they should be staying far away from.

Just this week, Google implemented major new changes to their privacy policies, including the integration of how you use their search engine, what you watch on youtube, your gmail account, and more. In other words, until now, each of those services operated independently, but now, they talk to one another and what you search for, the topics of your email, the videos you watch are all integrated so that google can create a total picture or profile of who you are and what you are looking for.

Many have objected on legal grounds claiming this new policy invades our privacy. Indeed, 36 State Attorneys General have written to Google to register their concern. But, interestingly, a number of articles have appeared claiming that the general public is very upset for a very different reason.

You see, many people have very segregated lives, at least in their own mind. They have their email and the ‘kosher’ things they search for or watch on youtube that they would be comfortable with anyone discovering. But then, a surprisingly high percentage of people also have a secret, private world of sketchy, inappropriate and graphic material that they search or watch and that they don’t want anyone to know.

Under this new integrated system, if a woman is innocently searching for something on google, it may pull up results reflecting what her husband had been emailing or watching on youtube the night before. As you can imagine, this has many people anxious and concerned.

Though secular society often espouses the opinion that looking at immodest material is benign and no big deal, the truth is that porn addiction is a growing phenomenon and a damaging and destructive one at that. I, and many of my colleagues, have counseled serious situations of marriages dissolving and families destroyed over this horrible malady that does not discriminate in its seductive ways between men and women, religious and irreligious, those on the left and those on the right.

A relatively new website, www.guardyoureyes.com is an excellent resource for, as they say, “Maintaining moral purity in today’s world.”

As we approach Purim, the time has come to be like google and to integrate our lives so that we don’t have a personality on the surface and a hidden lifestyle buried underneath. If you struggle in this area, don’t be ashamed or despondent. It is never too late to conquer an inclination that relentlessly pursues almost everybody.

L’chaim to a wonderful Purim for you and your family. May the month of Adar bring the simcha of feeling whole and may we all lead integrated lives that we can be entirely proud of.

Good Shabbos and a freilichen Purim

The Secret to True Happiness Is the Present

Last week, while in NY on the BRS Men’s Club trip, I was very taken by something in the subway. On this particular subway car, there were three ads in a row that all revolved around the same thing – happiness. While marketing different things, all three ads tried to leverage people’s general unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life. Each one used the same tactic, ‘Are you searching for happiness? Buy our product.”

Most of the planet is consumed with the pursuit of happiness, but unfortunately many spend their lives in pursuit without actually ever catching that elusive feeling. We have just begun the month of increased happiness, mi’shenichnas Adar, marbim b’simcha, when Adar enters, we seek to promote the feeling of happiness.

There are many aspects to achieving happiness and it would be a gross oversimplification to reduce it to one thing. That said, I want to share one insight.

Harvard Professors, Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel T. Gilbert published a study in the journal, Science, in which they found that people spend 46.9 percent of their waking hours thinking about something other than what they’re doing.

Happiness is a direct correlation to our peace of mind. Living a distracted, fragmented life filled with mind-wandering and lack of focus is the source of people’s unhappiness, they argue. The more present we are in that which we are doing, the more focused our lives, the less tension we feel and the result is greater happiness.

There are many important and critical applications one can extrapolate from their study, but in this limited space I want to share just one. I have received significant feedback lately about people’s dissatisfaction and disillusionment with the 9:00 am Shabbos minyan. And so, I tweeted and facebook-ed the following question “How would u shorten shabbos morning davening within halachik boundaries in an effort to make it more enjoyable and meaningful?” Surprisingly, I received more responses and comments from this post than I have for any other I have written.

A meeting of the Gabbaim and Rabbis was held in which many great conclusions were reached and later approved by the Board of Directors as to how we can improve the quantity and quality of the Minyan. I look forward to sharing them with you and implementing them soon.

However, it occurs to me that the greatest factor determining the quality and meaning of our davening experience cannot be provided by the Chazan, Gabbai, Rabbi or anyone else. Yes, those individuals contribute to the davening experience, but ultimately whether or not we find meaning in prayer is a result of our ability to focus, shut out distraction and concentrate.

Happiness and satisfaction in davening is the same as in life. It requires us to be present, focus and engaged. We all have to work much harder to decrease and eliminate the conversations during davening and supervise our children so that they are not ‘trick or treating’ throughout Shabbos morning.

I received an impassioned email from a beloved Congregant this week asking me to help improve the decorum in Shul. He can’t understand how those around him take prayer so flippantly and casually. He ends his email by saying the following (shared with his permission):

“I wanted to ask those around me: Do all of you have perfect health? Do all of the members of your family have great health? Do you and your families all have jobs and parnasa? Do you all have food on your table? Is your house safe and not in foreclosure? Is our Israel perfectly safe in this mad world? Is our own country safe by what is going on around us? Are the Jewish people safe where ever they are?”

“I cannot speak for others,” he writes, “but our family has been through some of the worst situations we could have ever imagined over the past few years. If it was not for prayer I personally would be in the other world as the stress level was at an all time high.”

Let’s fill the month of Adar with simcha, by being present in all that we do, and let’s work especially hard in focusing in our davening, rather than those sitting around us.

What are You Doing to Heal the Divide?

Eleven Rabbis from across North America gathered in Boca this week for a day and a half of meetings, under the auspices of the Orthodox Union. The Legacy Group, as we have affectionately been titled by OU leadership, convenes twice a year to discuss and compare what is happening in our communities, commiserate over challenges, share best practices and inspire one another to collectively confront some of the ills that plague our people.

A theme that emerged from our conversation was the horrible disunity, discord and divide among the Jewish people from all directions. The left is just as intolerant of the right as the right is of them. Those that define themselves as the center are often dismissive of anyone unlike them. A famous comedian once observed, “Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.” For many a similar description applies to their religious orientation and practice.

How can we close the gaps that are dividing our people? How can we heal the wounds of marginalization that have hurt so many individuals and communities? How can we restore the feeling of achdus, unity and harmony that characterized the moment of receiving the Torah described in this week’s parsha?

The Legacy Group came to a simple conclusion: One on one interpersonal relationships, friendships and bonds. You see, it is easy to dismiss, demonize and reject whole groups, philosophies or lifestyles. It is much more difficult to speak negatively and critically of someone with whom you share a rapport.

If we are to heal our people, we must get so called “right wing” Roshei Yeshiva to sit and talk with “YU” Roshei Yeshiva. We must reach out to colleagues from Reform, Conservative and Liberal Orthodoxy to build warm, personal relationships around what we share in common. If the leaders at the top can get to know one another and feel a kinship together, we can put a stop to hurtful proclamations and statements that serve to divide, and replace them with encouragement and efforts to unite.

Indeed, it was this motivation that two weeks ago led me to a decision that I am so happy I made. Rabbi Richard Agler, who recently retired as the Sr. Rabbi of Congregation B’nai Israel , a Reform Congregation, suffered a terrible tragedy when a car struck and killed his 27 year old daughter as she was jogging. To be honest, I don’t have a particularly close relationship with the Aglers. In light of his recent retirement, we will unlikely overlap in a professional capacity moving forward. However, despite the reasons to do nothing, I decided that the proper thing to do, if for no other reason than my role in the Orthodox community of Boca, was to pay a shiva call. And so, Rabbi Broide and I went to the Aglers’ home to simply communicate that we care, feel their pain and pray for their comfort.

The time we spent together and the inspiration Rabbi Broide and I received that day, were remarkable. I asked Rabbi Agler how this tragedy impacts his faith in the Almighty? As a Rabbi, he undoubtedly has spoken about bad things happening to good people, but now he has lived it.

His answer blew me away. He said, “My Judaism, my relationship with God and my faith are what empowered me to raise such a wonderful daughter and these values are what gave her life meaning and purpose. Why would I throw away the very things that made her so special, just because she was taken so prematurely and tragically? Faith allowed me to raise a special daughter, and faith will guide me through the tragedy of her death.”

At the end of the time we spent together, Rabbi Agler and I had the same observation. Why did it take a tragedy for us to spend some quality time together? The result of that interaction coupled with the discussion at the OU Legacy meetings is a renewed sense of commitment I feel to reach out to my colleagues in every direction and work to build genuine friendships and warms bonds.

Healing our people is not just the job of Rabbis, it is the responsibility of every caring Jew. Let’s work together to restore that feeling at Sinai, k’ish echad b’lev echad, one people with one heart.

Keep the Money Local

If I had a dollar for every email I received this week reminding me to recite the parshas ha’mann, as a segullah for parnassah, I would no longer need a parnassah. You see in this week’s parsha, the Torah describes the miraculous, supernatural manna that fell each day from heaven, providing the Jewish people their necessary nourishment as they journeyed through the desert. Many believe that if you simply say the words from our parsha describing this phenomenon specifically this week, your livelihood will be guaranteed, your portfolio will rise, that raise you have waited for will finally arrive and all kinds of blessings will flow.

Interestingly, this segullah, this association between saying parshas ha’mann and parnassah is found nowhere in the Talmud. Instead, our great Chazal endorsed a different segullah for earning parnassah. You may have never heard of it and tragically it isn’t nearly as practiced. It is much more difficult than saying words, and it requires personal sacrifice, compromise and generosity. Our Rabbis encouraged us that if we want parnassah, give tzedaka.

Giving tzedaka is not simple. How much? To whom? What are the priorities? The answer to these questions are complicated, complex and too lengthy for this space. So, instead of telling you to whom to give, allow me to share my personal opinion of who to avoid.

One sign the economy is recovering slightly is the recent proliferation of people coming to collect. Some go door to door asking. Some sit outside the shul and accost each person as they go by. And some have signs hung up around the community announcing they are here to consult, give blessings, dispense advice and actually ask you to come to them to have the honor of giving.

In my opinion, our response to them all should be the same – a nominal amount. We have incredible local needs and obligations including feeding 26 families on Tomchei Shabbos, a combined close to 3 million dollars of scholarships our school are giving out, our Mikvah, Eruv, supporting Outreach, and I haven’t even mentioned giving to BRS. Our first obligation and responsibility halachically and ethically is to give locally.

A young man shared with me this week, that when he went to receive a bracha from a visiting Rabbi, he was told at the conclusion of the warm wishes that for them to occur he needs to pledge 5% of his income to this Rabbi’s institutions for the rest of his life. Feeling hopeless and desperate for blessings in his life, he agreed. When I heard, I was outraged and encouraged him to go back to this “Rabbi,” give him a nominal amount and tell him that is all he will be getting.

Preying on vulnerable people, asking for large donations from those that can barely afford to cover their bills is contemptible, disgraceful and outrageous. It is unconscionable to ask people who are not paying their own children’s full tuition or their family’s full membership to the Shul to make a donation to sponsor a child in your yeshiva in Israel.

If we continue to be indiscriminate in whom we allow to solicit from our members, both in the Shul and in private homes, individuals will be hurt and so will the community as a whole. Rather than run for advice, promises and blessings from Rabbis who don’t share our hashkafa, know us, or our community, I strongly encourage you to embrace the bracha that comes from learning Torah from our own outstanding Roshei Yeshiva, Rabbis and guest scholars. Indeed, in my opinion, the greatest blessings flow from those that don’t want their pictures on posters, don’t ask for money in exchange, don’t make promises that only Hashem can guarantee and don’t tell you what to do without even knowing who you are.

This Sunday, we have the privilege of hosting one of the greatest Talmidei Chacham of our time, a Rosh Yeshiva whose guidance, wisdom and halachik input is sought after by thousands around the world, Rabbi Herschel Schachter. Rav Schachter is Rosh Yeshiva and Rosh Kollel of Yeshiva University and Halachik advisor for the OU. He will be speaking at 9:00 am on the topic of “Segullas, Superstition and Ayin Ha’Rah.”

If you are looking for a segullah for parnassah, absolutely say parshas ha’mann and recognize that our livelihood is no less miraculous or from Heaven than the man itself. But, don’t neglect our Rabbi’s advice of giving tzedaka generously and to the right places. Don’t neglect the greatest segullah and the greatest source of blessing known to man, the study of Torah, the performance of mitzvos and the pursuit of justice.

Shabbat Shalom

Opting In When Others Opt Out

I had the privilege of attending three brises this week, but only two of them were open to the public. Mazel tov to the Hilfs and Sugermans on welcoming their new sons into the covenant of Avraham Avinu. It is the third bris, though, the one which was only open to a select few, that I want to tell you about, as to me it was truly remarkable.

Early Wednesday morning, Rabbi Flug, Rabbi Weinstock of YI of Hollywood and I prepared for an unusual bris by donning our scrubs. You see, we are members of the S. Florida Beis Din for Geirus, the Rabbinical Court for Conversion, and we gathered in the operating room to witness the circumcision of a 17 year old boy who is converting to Judaism.

As we stood there, a recurring thought kept entering my mind. The effort, pain and even embarrassment this young man is willing to endure in order to take the totally unnecessary and unrequired step of becoming Jewish, is nothing short of extraordinary. In order to convert, in addition to a complete commitment to an observant life, both men and women must immerse in the mikvah and men require circumcision or if already circumcised, hatafas dam bris. As you can imagine, those that convert have displayed great courage, faith and tenacity.

Among the many conversions that I have participated in, this was the first in which an adult needed a complete circumcision. Though he received spinal anesthesia and pain killers following the procedure, the entire process of having this surgery and doing so in front of three Rabbis required a truly great resolve and conviction to want to be Jewish.

The other thought that struck me is the contrast between the level of desire and willingness to sacrifice to be an observant Jew of this teenager, and the boredom, disinterest and lack of conviction of so many of our “frum from birth” teenagers. This young man can’t imagine living his life and not having Shabbos, kashrus, or being part of the Jewish people and their destiny. And yet, many of our teenagers struggle to find Judaism relevant, compelling or worthy of sacrificing for. He lives in the same world of temptation, distraction, pop culture and alien values as they do. Why is he opting in, while so many of them seem to be standing on the brink of opting out?

This is a very complicated and difficult question and I am not so presumptuous to assume that I know the answer or can articulate it in this short message. But, I will provide one point of information as food for thought. Our teenage convert saw his parents convert. He watched them go through the process of learning, growing, sacrificing and committing. The significance and importance of Judaism has been modeled for him to the degree that he too was willing to endure difficult circumstances in order to have a taste of our Holy religion and people. Every day,when he looks at his parents, he sees two people willing to work hard, give up much and make the effort to live a richly Jewish and spiritual life.

When our teenagers look at us, what do they see? Do we model a willingness to sacrifice, do we exhibit great effort and determination and do we articulate why Judaism is so important to us and how badly we want it in our lives?

Our 17 year old convert is truly a student of Avraham Avinu who also at an advanced age endured a circumcision (without anesthesia and performed on himself) and elected to embrace a spiritual journey and meaningful way of life. Even if we were born Jewish or raised observant, it is never too late for us as well to be of the greatest disciples of Avraham Avinu through our renewed journey to opt in to Judaism and Hashem with great enthusiasm, commitment, courage and faith and thereby be a source of inspiration for the next generation and beyond.

The Blessing of a Healthy Child

In the last few months in our community, a number of pregnant women have tragically lost their babies. Despite all the aches, pains and discomfort, pregnancy is a time of great hope, optimism and incredible excitement about the future life that will emerge and the unknown of who he or she can and will become. Therefore, when pregnancy is unexpectantly and shockingly halted and with it the dream of a new child, the pain is acute and the grief very real.

Just this week, I had the unenviable task of burying a stillbirth. Few things are as disconcerting and traumatic as placing a tiny coffin in the ground and saying goodbye to a Neshama (soul) whose parents never even got to say Hello. Many women who endure such an episode begin to wonder what was the point of all the nausea, pain and discomfort when it didn’t even result in the birth of a healthy baby? Though it provides little comfort, please know that there is a great value to having been the conduit to bring a perfect Neshama down to this world and having it return to its source completely unblemished, pure and indeed angelic.

In fact, we actually bestow a name upon a stillborn child and in the case of a boy give him a bris. The commentators explain that the reason is that this child will be restored to life at the time of techiyas ha’meisim (the resurrection of the dead) in the Messianic era and we want them to be identifiable to their parents and family. Though this baby never lived to breathe even one breath, their Neshama is very real and one day they will meet their parents who will be overjoyed to welcome them to the family.

I share this with you not to bring you down, depress you or to create a crisis of faith. Quite the contrary, I share it as a stark reminder of how incredibly blessed, fortunate and privileged we are when a pregnancy goes smoothly resulting in the birth of a healthy child. When we contemplate the miracle of conception, gestation and birth, we cannot help but feel that the default is that something should go wrong and in truth, the anomaly is when things go right.

My friend’s father is the head of the neonatal intensive care unit in a prominent hospital in the New York Area. He was once hosting a group of Physicians and gave them a tour of the NICU. They were amazingly impressed when they saw the significantly premature babies who were being sustained through remarkable technology and medicine. They remarked to my friend’s father that these babies were in fact miracles. Without pausing, my friend’s father told them, “No, these are not the miracles. These are the result of our advancement in science, follow me and I will show you the miracles.” He proceeded to take them to the regular nursery, pointed to the cribs filled with robust, healthy babies and said, “my dear Colleagues, these, the ones that come out perfectly when statistically so many things could go wrong, these are the miracles.”

In this week’s parsha, Ya’akov gives each of his sons a beracha (blessing). We emulate him every single Friday night in one of the most moving and precious customs that we have, that unfortunately goes so widely unappreciated. We place our hands on the heads of our children and while we bless them we are to realize that they are in fact a blessing to us.

I came home from that private, informal burial and I couldn’t help but hug each of my children a little tighter. I implore you to never take for granted, not for one moment, how fortunate you are if for you everything went right and you are the parent of a healthy child.

Learn from Yaakov, pay attention when you bless your kids on Friday night and never forget how blessed you truly are.

The Flip Side of Anonymity

The election season is officially underway with the Iowa Caucus just a few weeks away. There are many variables that contribute to the decision making process of how we choose our candidates and indeed how we vote in elections. The candidate’s appearance, eloquence, pedigree, upbringing, and professional and civic accomplishments all play a role in how we judge him or her.

However, the single greatest influence on our perception of a candidate, and I would argue appropriately so, are the words that come out of their mouth. What are their stated positions, do they flip flop and blow with the wind, can they articulate their vision and use their words to lead, are they compelling in debates, do they seem sincere, are they highly intelligent and informed?

In general in life, we hold people accountable for what they say and how they say it for that ultimately reflects who they are and who they want to be. People who share opinions while hiding behind anonymity lack credibility, in my opinion, and therefore don’t deserve to be taken seriously.

Just this week I received an anonymous letter in the mail. My policy is that if a letter is not signed, it does not deserve to be read and will go directly into the trash. It is cowardly and discorteous to communicate one’s grievance or even opinion to someone else while denying them an opportunity to reply or respond. There are many legitimate criticisms of each one of us and if we are thoughtful and growing people, we should welcome the constructive feedback. I welcome all of our members to share their feelings and suggestions with us and promise to take their ideas seriously. However, life is not a monologue it is a dialogue and to communicate anonymously is to both be unaccountable for your words and to deny the other party their responsive voice.

Our words and opinions matter and if we are not willing to stand by them and sign our name to them, they lack integrity. Some of the best blogs on the internet are anonymous ones. The anonymity allows them to be provocative, inflammatory and sensationalist, all drawing large readership, but in my opinion contributing little to true intellectual discourse.

Because our words matter, we must confront people when they misuse them, even when they are our friends or family. This week, one of our local Congressmen who is a great friend to Israel and to the Jewish community, showed poor judgment when he said, “If Joseph Goebbels was around, he’d be very proud of the Democrat Party because they have an incredible propaganda machine.” There is no doubt in my mind that he is sensitive to the Holocaust and did not mean to deliberately offend. But at the same time, I think it is inexcusable to create a parallel between a legitimate political party and a partner and spokesperson of the most comprehensive genocide in the history of humanity. Such metaphors and references have no place in civil discourse and cheapens the heinousness and wickedness of Joseph Goebbels and his activities. Even our friends sometimes make mistakes with their words and require a gentle reminder to be more careful and sensitive.

Elected officials and candidates for public office don’t have the luxury of anonymity and all of their words are scrupulously examined under the microscope of the public eye. But they are not the only ones that must be careful to preserve dignity and integrity while engaging in robust debate. All of us need to be careful and vigilant to examine our words and how they reflect on us. Frankly, when we resort to name calling and personal attacks, it exposes our inability to intellectually articulate our legitimate differences of opinion. As the election cycle has begun, let’s be models for our leaders by teaching them how to debate opinions, positions and policies respectfully and civilly.

More than Just Clothes: What True Modern Modesty Looks Like

Last Saturday night, we hosted our 3rd Community Conversation, a moderated dialogue among members of the BRS community on important issues of the day. This latest event focused on the question of Living Modestly in the 21st Century and included panelists Andrea Zucker, Ari Beim, Penny Pearlman and Leah Rosen.

All of us want to live meaningful, virtuous lives and wonder to ourselves, in the end of the day, what does God want from us? Our prophet Micha (6:8) asked the same question and concluded, “What is good and what does Hashem seek from us? Only to perform justice, do acts of loving-kindness and hatzneiah leches im Elokecha, walk with humility and modesty together with God.”

I understand justice and kindness, but what does Micha mean by practice tznius, modesty? For many, the word modesty is immediately associated with clothing and covering up. There is no doubt that Jewish law has much to say about clothing and the importance of how what we wear reflects greatly on who we are and how we want to project ourselves to others. Halacha offers guidelines that we must work harder to observe and that are no less binding and for our benefit than Shabbos, Kashrus, the laws of Lashon Harah, honest weights and measures, etc.

We must pay particular attention to what we wear in the places that we seek to feel the most spirituality and inspiration, our Shul and our kids Torah schools. When we are casual and thoughtless in how we attend davening or a class at shul, or how we appear on the carpool lane, we diminish and undermine the sense of sanctity and sacredness we seek to create in those venues. No matter how we may dress in private, before entering the Shul or school campus, ask yourself ‘does my dress reflect my reverence and respect for the Torah learning and living that happen here?’

The standards of dress in society at large are becoming more revealing, more provocative and more attention seeking, all characteristics that have crept into the observant community as well. Indeed, one can be wearing fabric that is covering the body from head to toe, but is worn in a manner that calls attention and seeks to turn heads thereby rendering it utterly immodest. For Judaism, modesty means seeking to be attractive without being attracting and I believe it is that distinction as defined by Halacha that must guide our wardrobe and that of our children as well.

But modesty is not limited to clothing and indeed as or more importantly means so many other things as well. Are we self-promoting, arrogant, attention seeking and egotistical? Are we living ostentatiously, lavishly and beyond our means? Do our simchas reflect an emphasis on family, friends and sharing joy or are they over the top, out of control and seeking to impress the neighborhood?

How we speak, the language we use, the jokes we tell, the emails we forward all are a measure of our sense of modesty. Ari put it well when he said people who resort to vulgarity or curses simply express their lack of intelligence by their inability to articulate their feeling in a sophisticated manner.

Modesty also means the capacity to blush, to feel uncomfortable when exposed to something inappropriate and out of place. Just this week, a young lady at Stern College published an essay in their online newspaper entitled “How do I Even Begin to Explain This?” in which she graphically describes her illicit escapade as a single girl. In fact, the essay was deemed so racy and inappropriate that YU gave the newspaper an ultimatum to take it down or lose their funding. They chose the latter.

The University aspect of YU should not be in the business of censorship and moderating student’s creativity. However, the Yeshiva component of YU has a mandate to preserve modesty and enforce the boundaries of appropriateness and Halacha. In my opinion, YU did the correct thing in putting the Yeshiva interest ahead of the University one.

If we are more mindful, thoughtful and attentive to improving all aspects of modesty, I am confident that we as a community can respond to the charge of the prophet Micha and fulfill just that which Hashem seeks from us.

Is Orthodoxy Turning Jews On or Off?

A colleague of mine in Boca gave a sermon on Rosh Hashana bemoaning the current lack of Jewish affiliation and identity. He wondered out loud, why is it that so many are not showing up in Synagogue, Jewish day schools, Federations or anything Jewish? His question is a disturbing one, but frankly so was his answer. He said…

“I think it may be more…let me share with you…. There are those becoming orthodox, and there are those who reject the either/or thinking of orthodoxies…They don’t see the world in black and white. They reject the notion that says everyone hates me; everyone is out to destroy me. They are not fearful. They don’t view themselves or their people as weak…

There is a generation that is rejecting religion when it doesn’t listen to different voices. When it vilifies “the other.” When it only sees its own pain and not the pain of others. They reject communities that are xenophobic and too often racist. And it’s not just because they are “liberals,” but it is because they understand what it meant for US when we were denied rights, when we were a persecuted minority. They apply the lessons of our past to all who suffer in this world.”

Does the Orthodox community need to work hard to make sure we are inclusive, warm, welcoming, non-judgmental, accepting, respectful? Absolutely, and we try to improve with each day. But, to be honest, I found it preposterous, offensive and misguided to suggest that the main cause of Jewish assimilation in America is the Orthodox community.

Indeed, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat vindicated and proud this week when I attended a meeting at Donna Klein Jewish Academy with Rabbis from across the community including the author of the words above. The purpose of the meeting was to share with us the progress and growth DKJA has experienced in the area of Jewish studies and in inspiring Jewish living among its students.

The school offers its High School and Middle School students two options for davening. There is a traditional minyan, which for all intents and purposes is run as an orthodox service. And there is what they call a contemporary service which does different things each day of the week including studying prayer, journaling about prayer, meditating and more.

The question was asked about the breakdown of percentage of students who go to each service. I, and my colleagues were somewhat startled by the answer. About 40% go to the traditional service and 60% to the contemporary one. Understand that this breakdown is remarkable considering the fact that fewer than 10% of the students come from traditional homes.

One of the non-Orthodox Rabbis suggested that perhaps the reason so many go to the traditional service is because you can go there and ‘space out’ with no accountability as opposed to the other service which requires participation and attention. I was deeply moved when the school’s administration, most of whom are not orthodox themselves, completely rejected that suggestion and responded that the kids go there because they find it authentic, moving and spiritual.

What a powerful reminder to each one of us, that Torah and a traditional way of life are attractive, beautiful, inspiring and when presented correctly turn people on, not off to Judaism, as my colleague erroneously suggested just a few months ago.

Look around at all of the new faces who have joined the community through Rabbi Broide’s outreach programs. See how inspired, passionate and excited they are about their Judaism. Recognize that we have the power to influence so many more when we project everything that is right about our magnificent tradition.

Know with complete confidence that unaffiliated Jews are overwhelmingly not rejecting orthodoxy; they are just not exposed to what it’s really all about.

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