What Our Community Can Learn from the Asifa

By now, you have likely heard about the Internet Asifa, the large gathering of Orthodox Jews at Citi Field a few weeks ago to address the dangers of the Internet. The gathering included some harsh and strict proclamations, such as it is forbidden to have Internet in the home and it is only permissible to use the web for work purposes.

Announcements of the Asifa were greeted with great skepticism, cynicism and suspicion by those outside of Charedi, right wing circles. Indeed, the Asifa became the subject of many jokes such as, “the Asifa is the only time Citi Field will sell out this season,” or “did you hear about the Amshinover Chassidim, they got to the Asifa in time for the Mets vs. Padres game,” or “the first 10,000 fans to enter the stadium get a free Gadol Ha’Dor bobble-head doll.”

The Asifa also attracted a great deal of criticism, much of it I believe warranted. The organizers called themselves Ichud Ha’Kehillos and claimed that part of the goal of the event was to promote great achdus, unity, among the Jewish people. They emphasized that this event would reflect the great diversity of Torah Jews, but in fact, it only represented a specific slice of Orthodoxy as some groups of Chassidim didn’t join and certainly Yeshiva University’s Roshei Yeshiva and Poskim were not invited to participate.

Furthermore, some were critical of the fact that the entire gathering was designated for men only. If the Internet truly threatens the sanctity of the home, shouldn’t women, the guardians of the home, be in attendance in an event whose purpose is to strengthen our resistance to the Internet’s dangers?

The Satmar Rebbe and Rav Shmuel Kaminetzky, interestingly, shared another concern. The Torah observant community is indeed diverse and reflects different world outlooks, practices, community customs and norms. How could one event possibly speak to or lay down guidelines for a Chasid from Williamsburg, a Yeshiva Bochur from Lakewood, a Businessman from the Upper West Side and a Doctor from Teaneck? Each community needs to adopt it’s own approach to this issue and in the case of the Internet, one size simply does not fit all.

There are many other points of criticism, but I am not writing this column to sling arrows or shoot down the Asifa. Quite the contrary, no matter what you thought of it, there are still so many things to admire and learn from the community that organized and attended it and that is what I would like to share with you.

Firstly, it is simply remarkable how many people attended and that is not disputable. Not only did Citi Field which holds over 40,000 people sell out, the organizers then rented Arthur Ashe Stadium next door which has the capacity for another 22,000 people. I wonder if the leaders of Modern Orthodoxy announced a monumental gathering in NY to rally for Israel, reflect on the dangers of the modern world, or any other purpose, how many people would attend? Would our Modern Orthodox community show up with over 60,000 strong for almost any reason these days?

You may say, it is simple, Chareidim believe in Da’as Torah and the importance of being obedient to the leading Rabbis of the generation. Their Rabbis said to attend and the people responded. The Modern Orthodox community, however, is trained to think for themselves, practice autonomy and be independently minded. While I agree with the explanation, I wonder if perhaps our community would benefit from a little more admiration, respect and deference to the words and advice of our Modern Orthodox community’s greatest leaders and sages.

Secondly, we clearly disagree and reject the Asifa’s conclusion, that the Internet is categorically evil and has no place in our lives unless absolutely necessary for business. I see the Intenet like the telephone or electricity; it has the potential for great harm or for great good. How many divrei Torah have been downloaded, listened to or watched on the web, for example?

Yet, the Asifa is correct in raising the grave dangers an unfiltered and unrestrained use of the Internet presents. There is no doubt that the access to everything and anything that the Internet provides is a great seductive force in the lives of young people and adults alike. We should admire and indeed emulate the Asifa’s goal of encouraging people to struggle with maintaining sanctity in their homes and their lives.

Rejecting the Asifa’s solution should not mean dismissing the undeniable problem the Asifa raises – how to properly adopt technology into our lives in a meaningful, safe and productive way.

I hope that future Asifas will indeed include all segments of Klal Yisroel and will be designed to speak to serious Torah Jews, no matter what community they belong to. In the meantime, we would do a great service to ourselves if rather than cynically reject the Asifa or it’s organizers, we seek to extract that which we can admire from this event and indeed emulate the idea of gathering en masse, to grow and enrich our lives in meaningful ways.

The Modesty of Privacy

I once went to get my passport renewed and when they offered me a date for my renewal appointment I looked at my calendar and saw it would be Shavuos. I told the woman I couldn’t come then because it would be the Jewish holiday of Shavuos. She asked me to wait a minute and when she came back informed me that she checked with a “very Jewish” co-worker who said there is no Jewish holiday on that date and that she never heard of Shavuos.

Of all of the Jewish holidays, Shavuos is probably the least well-known and definitely the least observed among the Jewish community. This is particularly sad in light of the theme of Shavuos, namely the camaraderie, kinship and bond our people forged as we received the Torah that unites us together as one. Shavuos should be a time that we re-connect, re-bond and remember the fraternal nature of being a Jew.

Rosh Hashana, Chanukah, and Pesach are very public holidays that are even noted among the non-Jewish world. Companies take out ads with holiday greetings to the Jewish community and Presidents have released holiday messages directed at the Jewish people. Meanwhile, Shavuos is the orphan holiday with our own people barely taking notice, let alone the world. If only it wouldn’t be such a well-kept secret.

And yet, there is an aspect of the privacy and secrecy of Shavuos that is completely appropriate. You see we come together to remember the experience of receiving the luchos, the tablets at Har Sinai and with them the whole Torah. However, the luchos that were to last, that ones that survived and endured were not the original set that Hashem gave to Moshe publicly. Rather, the luchos that remained intact and that protected our people at war were the ones that Hashem gave Moshe privately at a later time.

The Midrash tells us that this is not a coincidence but in fact, is a reflection of a broader principle. The Tanchuma teaches that because the first set of luchos were gifted at a very public ceremony with pomp and circumstance and the world watching, they were susceptible to ayin ha’rah, the jealousy and ill wishes of others. The second set which was given privately in an understated, under the radar manner endured, because they were protected from the negative aspirations of some who would be watching.

Indeed, the Talmud tells us a fundamental rule – “ein ha’beracha sharuy elah b’davar ha’samuy min ha’ayin, blessing only comes to that which is private and protected from the public eye.” We live in a world that encourages self expression, self promotion and the sharing publicly of every thought, idea,desire, experience and pictures that you have. There is nothing wrong with sharing appropriately, but modesty demands that we have boundaries and that we maintain a healthy sense of privacy.

A third of all divorce filings from 2011 contained the word Facebook. Does that mean that Facebook is causing divorce? Absolutely not. What it means to me is that we need to be extremely judicious and discerning in deciding what we share publicly and what remains protected by the veil of privacy.

Not every picture needs to be posted. Not every stock market success needs to be flaunted. Not every intimate experience needs to be shared, even with close friends offline. People lock up their most expensive and valuable items in a vault or a safety deposit box unexposed to the world.

As we celebrate the gift of the luchos, the tablets, and the amazing blessing of Torah, let’s remember which set lasted and why. By embracing the modesty of privacy, may our blessings be protected and may we be poised to receive more and more.

Attitude of Gratitude

A number of years ago, someone, who I guess felt I could use some motivation, gave me a CD of Tony Robbins to listen to. I was excited to hear what one of the most inspirational people of modern times would have to say and how it could change my life for the better. He started his talk by saying that he has the secret to both happiness and success. If you follow his advice and begin each and every day of your life exactly as he prescribes, he can all but guarantee you will find yourself both happier, and achieving your goals and dreams. I, like everyone else, want to be happy and I try to be successful in everything I do. I was therefore, very eager to hear, what would he say next, what is the secret?

What Tony Robbins said is exactly correct, but for me, and for you, and for Jewish 3 year olds around the world, it was nothing new. The secret to happiness and to achieving success, he said, is to start every day of your life by expressing gratitude. As soon as you wake up, before doing anything else, say thank you. Be grateful and appreciative for being alive, having a roof over your head, having your health if you are lucky, your family, etc. He continued that it isn’t enough to think appreciatively, but you need to start your day by verbalizing and actually saying thank you out loud. If you do, the rest of your day is guaranteed to be successful and happy.

What Tony Robbins is teaching in the 21^st century, Judaism has taught since its inception thousands of years ago. From an early age, we teach our children to wake up saying Modeh ani lefanecha, I am grateful to you God for the fact that I woke up, that I am alive to see another day, for the wonderful blessings in my life and for my relationship with You. It has been inculcated within us from our youth that we don’t wake up feeling entitled, deserving and demanding. Rather, we wake up with a deep and profound sense of gratitude, appreciation and thanks.

In my experience, Tony Robbins is absolutely correct. How we start our day has an incredible impact on how the rest of it will go. This coming Wednesday night and Thursday, we will celebrate Lag Ba’Omer, the 33^rd day of the Omer. Each day of the omer is characterized by another kabbalistic attribute. Lag Ba’Omer is Hod she’b’hod, the glory of glory, reflecting our appreciation of God’s greatness and glory. Alternatively, though, hod can be understood as coming from the same word as hodu, or modeh, meaning thanks. Lag Ba’Omer is a day characterized as thankfulness within thankfulness, or a day to celebrate gratitude.

The Chassam Sofer, Rav Moshe Sofer says that the miraculous manna that fell from Heaven began to descend on Lag Ba’omer. On the first day, the manna was undoubtedly greeted with great enthusiasm and appreciation, but as time went on and there was an increasing expectation the heavenly bread would descend, it became much easier to take it for granted and to forget to be appreciative for it at all. Lag Ba’omer therefore, is a time that we identify and say thank you for all of the blessings that regularly descend into our lives, but unfortunately, like the manna, that we take for granted.

It is so easy to fall into a sense of entitlement and to forget to be grateful. Why should I thank my children’s teachers, they are just doing their job. Why should I be so appreciative to the waiter, or the custodian, or the stewardess, isn’t that what they are supposed to do? When is the last time we said thank you to whomever cleans our dirty laundry? Do we express gratitude regularly to our spouse who shops, cooks dinner, or who worked all day to pay for dinner, or in some cases did both?

On Thursday, as we celebrate Lag Ba’Omer, let’s not just say modeh ani in the morning and then quickly transition to feelings of entitlement. Let’s remember to say thank you to the people who do extraordinary things in our lives. But even more importantly, let’s especially express gratitude to the people who do the ordinary things that make our lives so filled with blessing.

Where are our Young People?

Things are rumored to slow down in South Florida after Pesach, but this past week and a half it certainly didn’t feel like it. Those who attended our annual Yom Ha’Shoah program were moved deeply by the incredible story of German born Dr. Bernd Wollschlaeger. At a young age, he discovered that his father was a Nazi who had received a medal from Hitler himself, and that he had Jewish blood on his hands. Bernd was drawn to learn more about Judaism, ultimately converted, moved to Israel where he served in the IDF and now lives right here in South Florida. If you missed it, I strongly encourage you to listen to his remarks on our website.

On Monday night, BRS hosted a critically important program about anti-Israel and anti-Semitic activities on college campuses, including a briefing about what happened locally at FAU. An impressively large crowd heard from a diverse, but unified array of speakers including Congressman Ted Deutch, a student leader from FAU, Joe Sabag of the ZOA, Scott Brockman of Hillel and our own Matt Weisbaum of jerusalemonlineu.com. The alarming short film “Crossing the Line: Intifada Comes to Campus” was shown and made the undeniably compelling case that we cannot afford to be apathetic or indifferent to the growing anti-Israel/anti-Semitic movement seeking to shape collegiate minds across the country.

While most people would describe these programs as smashing successes, in one regard they were a complete failure to me. Yes, the Rand Sanctuary at Boca Raton Synagogue was full at both events, but who occupied the seats? If you looked around at the Yom Ha’Shoah program and the Campus program you couldn’t help but notice two disturbing trends: Firstly, many attendees came from outside of the Shul. On the one hand, this is an incredible tribute to our reach and impact beyond our small “circle” of influence. However, the fact remains that of our close to 700 families, only a small fraction show up and can be counted at community events such as these. And secondly, of our own members who did attend, there was a terribly poor representation from young people.

On Wednesday, I had the honor of speaking to an audience that was comprised exclusively of young people when I addressed the students of WYHS at their Yom Ha’Zikaron program. I used the opportunity to share the story of Israeli hero, Major Roi Klein. Roi was born in 1975 and attended both elementary school and high school in Ra’anana. He was very involved in Bnei Akiva, first as a participant and later as a Madrich. After High School, Roi attended a Mechina in Eli to learn Torah and prepare for his Army Service. He was drafted into a brand new special unit called Egoz who trained for the unique fighting environment in Southern Lebanon. After his service, he married Sarah Sjalin, moved to Eli and had two sons Gilad and Yoav. Roi graduated from University magna cum laude, while at the same time pursuing his Torah learning for hours each day.

In the summer of 2006, the Israel Defense Forces entered a second Lebanon war in an effort to put a halt to the rocket fire into Northern Israel. Roi and his battalion were called upon given their training specifically in this type of warfare. They had been entrusted with a difficult mission, namely to capture the Hizbullah capital, Bint Jbeil. On the first day of Av, one day before Roi’s Hebrew birthday, at 5:00am, Roi sent an advance platoon to seize a certain house. It turned out that a Hizbullah terrorist was lying in wait and shot the platoon commander. Roi and his men advanced despite being shot at, in order to evacuate their man. As they were removing the injured soldier on a stretcher, Roi suddenly noticed a handed grenade that landed right next to him. There was not enough time to evacuate the area, and it was impossible to throw the grenade far enough to minimize the damage.

In a split second, Roi did something extraordinary. He threw himself on top of the grenade, absorbed the entire explosion and prevented all of his soldiers from being struck. He was mortally wounded and remained alive only for a few moments. He used his final minute to radio his commander to report his own impending death. The final words on his lips were the loud declaration – “Shema Yisroel, Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem Echad.”

Roi Klein’s story is extraordinary and one can’t help but hearing it and wondering, what would I have done? But Roi didn’t have the luxury of just wondering and he didn’t have the time to actually make a decision. He didn’t analyze or calculate what to do, time didn’t allow it. He simply acted in a heroic way because that is what his intuition and instinct demanded. He loved the Jewish people, the Jewish homeland and the Jewish Torah with all of his being and when the moment arrived, he didn’t need to think, he just did.

Most of us will never find ourselves in a position like Roi Klein. It is unlikely that we will be asked to make the most supreme sacrifice for our people, giving our very life, leaving our wife a widow or our children as orphans. However, in a much smaller way and on a much smaller scale, every one of us face moments in which we are called upon to show up, be counted, raise our voices and make a difference on behalf of our people.

When we gather to recognize and honor survivors of the Holocaust who have maintained their faith, their joy and rebuilt their lives, it makes a difference if YOU show up. When we gather as a community in response to threatening flyers and hateful words against our homeland and our people, it makes a difference if YOU show up. Not only is the media watching, our enemies are watching, the community at large is watching, and I would argue Hashem is watching to see how much we truly care. We reach out and daven to Hashem with our words, and we daven to Hashem by taking initiative and acting.

Roi Klein made himself count by his willingness to sacrifice his life. In contrast, we are asked to make ourselves count by an infinitely smaller sacrifice, our time and our effort. Is it too much to ask to rearrange our schedule, get a babysitter, or record our must see TV? Do we not find a way to get out on a weeknight for many much less important things?

In a few weeks, on Yom Yerushalayim, our community will come together once again. We have spent 2,000 years davening 3 times a day yearning to return to our Holy City. It is our generation that has merited to see the beginning of the fulfillment of those prayers. Could anything be more important than bringing our families and our community together to say thank you to Hashem and to tell the world that Yerushalayim must always remain the undivided capital of the Jewish people?

When we gather to celebrate Yerushalayim, and when we hold future community events, think of Roi Klein and answer the call by showing up, we need YOU!

But Is It Anti-Semitism?

The organized effort to delegitimize and demonize Israel recently arrived right here in our local Boca Raton backyard. Two weeks ago, students at FAU opened their dormitory doors to find a mock eviction notice posted, complete with an illegally placed seal from the Palm Beach County Commission. An insidious group called Students for Justice in Palestine was responsible for the flyers, which accuses Israel of evicting Palestinians from their homes, violating human rights and essentially, of practicing apartheid. Most offensive was the perpetuation of the blatantly false claim that Israel brutally murdered an American peace activist working in Gaza and indeed ran her over multiple times to make sure she was dead.

Remarkably, these notices were hung with the approval of FAU’s housing department and a University employee accompanied the anti-Israel activists as they hung their libelous and hate filled message around the dorm. FAU has since acknowledged the mistake, but has fallen pathetically short of both condemning the activity and creating consequences for the group and their employee who coordinated it.

ADL, AJC, JCRC, ZOA and a number of our local community Rabbis have been unified in our vow to confront Students for Justice in Palestine and our commitment to continue to place pressure on the administration of FAU. We all agree that efforts to delegitimize and demonize Israel are unacceptable, reprehensible and intolerable, but there is one aspect that we are not all in agreement on. Some feel that while the methodology and behavior of Students for Justice in Palestine is wrong and immoral, it is not anti-Semitic. I disagree strongly, and here is why.

In May of 1960, Israeli agents in Argentina captured SS Lieutenant Colonel Adolf Eichmann and brought him back to Israel to stand trial and be brought to justice by the State of Israel. Not surprisingly, much of the world condemned Israel’s violation of international law and extra judicial practice and objected to Eichmann’s trial taking place in Israel.

What is shocking though, at least to me, was the protest and disapproval by members of the Jewish community and prominent Jewish organizations. Joseph Proskauer, a former AJC president, contacted Ben-Gurion urging him to turn Eichmann over to Germany or an international tribunal. When Ben-Gurion wasn’t moved, AJC leaders met with Golda Meir telling her that an Israeli trial would obscure the fact that Nazism was the enemy of mankind, and that Eichmann had committed “unspeakable crimes against humanity, not only against the Jews.”

You see, AJC took exception to Israel’s right to speak for the Jewish people and therefore rejected the claim that Israel would be trying Eichmann on behalf of Jews everywhere. Indeed, earlier in 1948, when AJC leaders saw a proposed draft of the Israeli declaration of independence, they urged that references to “the Jewish State” be replaced by “the State of Israel.”

Ben-Gurion stood his ground and it was concluded that Eichmann’s trial would take place in Jerusalem, but AJC leaders didn’t relent. They told Government leaders that public comments about the trial should stress not only Jews, but also Germans who suffered. They intentionally described bombed Synagogues in broader terms such as houses of worship and told Israel bluntly to stop “harping constantly on the identity of deceased Jews.” The Jewish establishment’s reaction at that time is almost unbelievable to me and I encourage you to read Deborah Lipstadt’s excellent book, “The Eichmann Trial,” to learn more about it.

In my opinion, those who tried to obscure the Holocaust from being portrayed as a uniquely Jewish atrocity were profoundly misguided and thank God, Ben-Gurion was not influenced by them. Throughout history, anti-Semitism has taken different forms and hidden behind varied guises and costumes, but it nevertheless at its core is always the same – a hatred, disdain and intolerance of Jews and the desire to exterminate and eliminate us.

Let me be clear – in my opinion, it is absolutely legitimate and valid to appropriately criticize Israel. Moreover, America is about free speech and the right to express diverse and divergent opinions. Those with different point of view about the Palestinians or what should happen in the Middle East should not be silenced.

However, the flyers distributed at FAU and the greater agenda of Students for Justice in Palestine is something altogether different, and needs to be called out for what it is – unadulterated anti-Semitism, plain and simple. Malicious distortions, hateful campaigns, calls for an intifada all delivered using threatening and intimidating tactics directed at Jewish students on campus, is pure anti-Semitism under the disguise of anti-Israel and human rights efforts.

If we hesitate to expose our enemies and their nefarious goals for what they are, we have little chance of winning allies in the academic world or of defeating them altogether. Students for Justice in Palestine wants to see an end to the Jewish State, our people’s homeland, by driving the Jews into the sea. If that is not anti-Semitism, I don’t know what is.

Once again, I am grateful and proud that the local Jewish community is unified in recognizing that we must respond to the events at FAU and that we cannot be apathetic or complacent at this time. However, I believe that our willingness to call this anti-Semitism will be the defining factor determining our success. If we refrain from labeling it anti-Semitism, the FAU Administration will likely remain bystanders to this conflict, dismissing it as a political difference and defending the right to free speech. But, if we have the courage to identify it as anti-Semitism, as I believe it is, we stand a greater likelihood of eliciting a vigorous and forceful response from the University who will not tolerate or accept anti-Semitism on their campus.

I implore you to join us this Monday evening at 8:00 pm to learn more about what happened locally on the FAU campus, how the community is responding, and the broader anti-Israel and anti-Semitic campaign taking place on campuses across the country.

If our recent observance of Yom Ha’Shoah is to have meaning, “Never Again” cannot just be a slogan, but must be a call to action and to respond to the anti-Semitism of every generation.

As Difficult as Splitting the Sea

If you find yourself in a happy and fulfilling marriage, count your blessings every day and recognize that tragically, you are in the minority. Indeed, as of 2011, there is a 49% divorce rate, with those marriages having lasted for just 8 years. Many analysts assume that the percentage should be much higher, but the truth is in society at large, fewer people are getting married so when relationships dissolve it doesn’t show up in the divorce statistic.

Ask any Rabbi today and they will tell you that they spend a large amount of time counseling, supporting and guiding people in failing marriages and deteriorating relationships. Sometimes, when a couple confronts their challenges with the support of therapy and the chizuk of their Rabbi, their marriage emerges stronger than ever having gained skills and perspectives that they didn’t have beforehand. However, it seems as if more and more faltering relationships are resulting in divorce instead of strengthening. When I grew up, one could count on one hand the kids from divorced families in the class and still have plenty of fingers left over. Today, that is not nearly the case as divorce has grown prominently in every segment of the Orthodox community.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are marriages that are not meant to continue and should result in divorce. Indeed, geirushin, divorce, is also a mitzvah in the Torah and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it when the situation demands it. That said, the dramatic increase in divorce in the Jewish community is startling, troubling and begs the question, why is it happening?

The Talmud draws a parallel between finding a suitable mate, and the effort it took God to split the sea, kasheh l’zavgan k’krias yam suf. What is the connection? The Maharal, R. Yehudah Loewe of Prague, explains very poignantly, that the splitting of the sea was a reversal of nature. Naturally, water sinks to the lowest point and water molecules stick together. When Hashem split yam suf, He transcended nature by dividing something that naturally is one unit.

Similarly, says the Maharal, human beings are naturally different, distinct and unique. Each of us has our own tastes, likes, thoughts, opinions, needs, desires, goals, dreams and aspirations. People are naturally apart. To get married, form a union with another, blend and integrate one’s desires, needs and wants with that of someone else, also requires transcending one’s nature and is no less miraculous than the splitting of the sea.

According to marriage expert and researcher, Dr. John Gottman, 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual and is based on lasting differences in personalities and needs. Couples tend to fight about the same things over and over again. In a happy, successful and fulfilling marriage the couple dialogues about these perpetual issues and comes to compromises or solutions together to navigate through the conflict in the future or to avoid it altogether. In unhappy and failing marriages, couples live in a state of “gridlock” and painful impasse in which they continuously revisit the pain and frustration of the same fight without anything ever changing.

The bottom line is that all relationships and marriage in particular, take great effort and constant attention. We all struggle not to slip back into the natural separate and apart mode in which we think of ourselves first and don’t make room for others. Marriage requires us to be considerate of someone else’s opinion and to sometimes place their needs before our own. Marriage transforms us from takers into givers and provides amazing opportunities to improve ourselves.

The satisfaction, joy, fulfillment and meaning that result in a strong marriage are well worth the work, effort and sacrifice it takes to get there. As we mark the miracle of the splitting of the sea this weekend, let’s create our own miracle by transcending our selfish natures and by building selfless marriages.

Let My People Go!

(This post has been redacted to eliminate the names of the people involved in the story below.)

“Let my people go!” This refrain, introduced by Moshe in Egypt when he appealed to Pharaoh to liberate the Jewish people from bondage, has not only been referenced throughout Jewish history, but has been embraced by multiple peoples and cultures around the world in campaigns against injustice. In our time, I can vividly remember chanting “let my people go!” as a child, together with thousands of others, as we rallied on behalf of Soviet Jewry.

Who would have ever dreamt that today, the year 2012/5772, essentially the only people we need to address with the demand “let my people go,” are a small group of Jews themselves. As we enter the holiday of Pesach, a time characterized by freedom, liberty and emancipation, I implore you to think about a group whom remain shackled and in chains, and on whose behalf we must demand “let my people go!” I am referring to the tragic circumstance of Agunos.

An Agunah is a chained woman whose husband has not given her a Get, a Jewish legal divorce, and therefore she is unable to remarry or move on with her life. In Talmudic times, the tragic status of Agunah was attained when a woman’s husband went off to war or on a faraway business trip and his whereabouts became unknown. More recently, this horrific reality has been cast on women electively by their recalcitrant husbands who use the Get as a weapon and tool to extort, manipulate or just plain torture their wives.

Recently, the case of Tamar Epstein has become very high profile. Tamar’s husband Aharon refuses to give her a get despite their civil divorce being final and the instruction of Beis Din to do so. National media have covered this story because Aharon is a congressional staffer for Congressman Dave Camp from Michigan. Pressure has been placed on the Congressman not to employ a man who violates human dignity and performs an egregious injustice, but unfortunately, the Congressman has thus far refused to get involved.

Much less profile, but a lot closer to home, is the recent case of ——– ——– right here in South Florida. Her husband, ——–, cooperated with the civil divorce which has been finalized for months, but refuses to grant her a get. She took him to the Beth Din of America and ——– was given his day in court to explain his inactions. The Beis Din concluded that ——–‘s excuses were not valid and that he must give a get immediately. He has refused and so the Beis Din issued a Seruv, a proclamation, essentially asking Jewish communities to shun ——– and distance themselves from him until he cooperates.

——– came to me asking for help feeling abandoned by the Jewish community who have expressed no outrage and offered little to no help or support as she suffers in this limbo status and is tortured by a manipulative man. I began by contacting ——– and gently and without judgment, offered to help coordinate the giving of the get as per the Beis Din’s instructions. Suffice it to say my offer, both on voice mail and in email, was not only rejected, but ——– began a campaign to malign and defame me, including emails to our Congressman and others.

I have begun to publicize ——–‘s recalcitrance on Twitter, Facebook and in emails to the Rabbis of South Florida. I have contacted ——–‘s employer to let him know that if ——– does not sign the get by the end of Pesach, we will begin to organize rallies outside the business that employs him. I hope and pray that ——– will do the right thing so that he and ——– can go on with their lives in peace and prosperity. But should he hesitate and delay, it has been made clear to him that the BRS community and I will do everything within the American law and halacha that we can to encourage him to sign a get.

Many are puzzled how the Agunah phenomenon can exist in our modern era. Can’t the Rabbis find a solution? Can’t we simply annul the marriage or give her a get on his behalf without his cooperation? The subject is complex and complicated and unfortunately, solutions are not that simple. Agunah is an example of what the Rav described as a time that we throw our hands in the air and submit our understanding to the will and laws of the Almighty.

But it occurs to me, that while we must submit our understanding and accept Hashem’s laws, we don’t need to be apathetic or indifferent to bringing about the desired result. Why do we get up to open the door for Eliyahu Ha’Navi at the Seder, can’t he just come down through the chimney or walk through walls? I once heard a magnificent explanation: Eliyahu is the harbinger of Moshiach, he heralds the arrival of redemption. If you want redemption, you can’t just sit comfortably in your chair or reclining on your couch. You need to minimally get up out of your seat and do something, even if it is just opening the door.

Hashem cannot want Agunos any more than we do, but their existence provides us with an opportunity to be His partner in bringing salvation. Tragic cases like Tamar Epstein and ——– ——– challenge us to see if we will remain in our seats and on the couch, or get up and do something to bring redemption.

I am confident that when Pesach ends, if rallies must be held, you will answer the call and our community will show up in a tremendous display of support to proclaim to Aharon and ——– – Let my people go!

Chag Sameach

A Dollar and a Dream

I have a confession to make – I bought a lottery ticket for the New York Mega Millions. After all, you’ve got to be in it to win it and Friday night, winning it means winning more than half a billion dollars. True, the lump sum payout after taxes comes to only $257,000,000 but I think my family can make do with that amount.

Now, I am not foolish, I know that I am not going to win. After all, the odds of winning the lottery is 1 in 175,711,536. There is a greater likelihood of being hit by lightning twice in the same day as there is of winning the lottery. So why play it at all? Moreover, is it halachicly appropriate to play or is it tantamount to throwing out money?

Interestingly, some Rabbis have suggested that there is nothing wrong with playing the lottery, but one should not buy more than one ticket. You see, buying one ticket represents human initiative to have a chance at scoring millions. However, the likelihood of winning only grows at a negligible, statistically insignificant rate when buying more tickets. Therefore, say some Rabbis, if you buy more than one ticket you lack emunah, faith, for if God wants you to win, you can win with the one ticket.

I agree that only one ticket should be purchased, but for an altogether different reason. The hope of winning is only a small fraction of why I bought a ticket. The real reason to play, is because that ticket gives me license to dream, to ask myself important questions and to reflect in a meaningful way. If you are playing the lottery, you cannot avoid asking yourself what you would do if you won. Would you continue to work? Would you move to Israel? Would you give a meaningful amount to charity and if so where would you direct your philanthropic dollars? How would you spend your newfound time? What luxuries, if any, would you indulge in? What would you change about your life?

These questions are not easy to answer and require some serious soul searching. If you won the lottery and you stopped working immediately, what does that say about what you do? Is it a profession or a calling, just for the money or also for the contribution to society? If you won the lottery and remain living outside of Israel, is money the real reason you aren’t making aliyah right now? If winning the lottery meant quitting your job and having more time, how would you spend it – with your family, exercising, learning Torah, volunteering? What really matters to you and if it is truly important, why not find the time to do it now?

Without that ticket in your hand, these questions remain too theoretical to be contemplated seriously and so the way I see it, a dollar is a small amount to pay for the license to dream. However, since the likelihood is that the license to dream is all the dollar will get you, buying more tickets won’t expand your license and won’t meaningfully increase your chances and therefore, would be a waste of money.

So far my dollar has been well spent as Yocheved and I are having fun figuring out the answers to those questions. But, don’t get me wrong, we haven’t given up hope that our dreams can become a reality.

Bitter Herbs, Not Bitter People

The countdown to Pesach has officially begun complete with its angst, anxiety, stress and exhaustion. Tragically, many people associate Pesach with backbreaking work, exorbitant expenses, endless preparation, and bread deprivation. It is not unusual to hear moans, groans and krechts coming from both men and women when mentioning the upcoming holiday. Most describe themselves as rolling into Pesach ‘like a shmatta,’ unable to enjoy the festive atmosphere, meaningful Sedarim, or even quality time with friends and family.

But this is not the way the Torah or our Rabbis intended it. I would argue that the bulk of the stress, aches and pains that result from Pesach preparation are self-induced and utterly unnecessary. True, there is a high cost of matzah, wine and Kosher for Pesach groceries that cannot be avoided and are challenging particularly during these difficult economic times. However, the labor intensive house preparations and extensive and arguably overly complicated menus and recipes can all be avoided.

For some reason, Pesach has gotten away from us with the purely voluntary but now becoming mandated standards and what should be the primary goals becoming almost entirely neglected and dismissed. Undoubtedly, Halacha demands that we seek and destroy all chametz in our possession. Definitions of chametz, seek, and in our possession are all very clear and require a preparation of a home that should take only a few hours total. Areas and places where chametz is never brought don’t need to be cleaned or checked. Areas, places and appliances that will not be accessed or used, need not be cleaned or checked, they simply need to be put away and sealed. And any food that is not categorized as edible (a dog would not eat it) is not considered chametz.

At some point in recent Jewish history, Pesach preparation was substituted with spring cleaning. If one is moving a refrigerator, oven, or any other heavy appliance, they are spring cleaning, not preparing for Pesach. If one is climbing on a ladder to clean a ceiling fan, taking a toothpick to a toaster or food processor, scrubbing grout with a toothbrush, emptying and wiping all dressers, closets, linen pantries, crawl spaces, or shaking out books that haven’t been opened in years, they are spring cleaning, not preparing for Pesach. Halacha demands that we go room to room confirming there is no chametz that is larger than 30 grams and edible. This, in my opinion, can be accomplished in a few hours at most in most homes.

This substitution of spring cleaning instead of Pesach preparation has come at a great cost and I fear will hurt our community deeply in the future. Rather than enter Pesach excited, enthusiastic, and energized to spend time with family and share divrei Torah at our Sedarim, we are increasingly becoming resentful, negative and toxic about being observant. Rather than happy people eating bitter herbs to celebrate freedom, we are becoming bitter people exchanging our freedom for unnecessary burdens in anticipation of Pesach.

Pesach, more than any other holiday or time of year, is designed to communicate our values, priorities and lifestyles to the next generation. Pesach, and the days leading up to it, should leave our children with sights, smells, flavors, traditions, and experiences they will draw from and seek to emulate in their own homes, for the rest of their lives.

Bedikas chametz, complete with its hide and seek nature, should be fun, exciting and adventurous. Instead, for many it has become a chore that we unburden ourselves from as quickly as possible. Burning chametz, rolling matzah balls by hand, chopping charoses, grinding marror, setting the regal seder table, reenacting the Pesach story at our seders, welcoming visiting family, are among the activities that can be carried out with joy, enthusiasm, nostalgia, and meaning.

Depleting ourselves of energy and joy by engaging in spring cleaning rather than Pesach preparation is not only depriving us of the simcha, joy, we are capable of feeling, but it is indelibly impressing on our children negative memories and associations that will likely haunt them.

As we enter the final countdown to Pesach this year, I beg you to ask yourself the question – which sounds will ring in your children’s ears in the future when they think back to Pesach in their home? Will it be moans, groans, bitterness and complaints or will they remember the joyous sounds of an energized family eagerly preparing for a meaningful yom tov?

The answer is up to us. Let’s all decide to make Pesach the greatest and most memorable experience of our year.

Chessed Is Almost By Definition Inconvenient

I was reminded this week of one of the many lessons I learned from my father as a child that has stuck with me throughout my life. When mincha ended on yom tov afternoon at Shul and a short Dvar Torah would fill the time until we could daven ma’ariv, invariably the same thing would happen – most of the room would clear out. My father would often remark to me afterwards that there is a big difference between not going to a Shiur, and choosing to walk out of one that is being offered in the place you currently find yourself.

The principle my father shared is not limited to learning opportunities, but in fact can be applied to most virtuous things in life. Even if we would never initiate a particular noble act or activity, would we go so far as to turn it down or walk out on it when it presents itself to us?

Perhaps the greatest expression of this distinction is in our attitude towards chessed. We are blessed to live in a community that performs chessed in ways I have never seen before. Our incredible chessed infrastructure comprised of the anonymous people who do the ‘little’ things behind the scenes are truly remarkable and extraordinary. But we, like every other community, nevertheless still struggle to expand the list we can turn to when a meal needs to be cooked, a ride needs to take place, hospitality needs to be offered, or a Shiva minyan needs to be made.

Recently, a member of our community was sitting shiva and a few of the scheduled minyanim fell short of the requisite quorum. On consecutive days, Rabbi Moskowitz and I came to a minyan scheduled to begin at BRS and asked for volunteers to help complete the minyan at the shiva home. We both received the same response to our initial ask – essentially nothing. It took my reminding everyone that if we can’t get a few people, someone will not be able to say kaddish for their parent, and the next day Rabbi Moskowitz’s threatening not to start the minyan at shul until we have a minyan at the shiva house, for people to respond. Of course there are legitimate reasons why many couldn’t go, but it is frankly humiliating that in a Shul of hundreds of families and in a minyan of dozens of people, we had to essentially grovel to recruit people to perform this basic chessed.

The very next day, I received an email from a woman who works with a committee to make sure that nobody in our community eats alone on Shabbos. She expressed her shock and disappointment by the limited list of people that have offered their hospitality. Even more troubling to her, was that when she specifically calls, emails or texts individuals directly asking them if they can host someone for the coming Shabbos, almost all say no and many don’t even have the courtesy to get back to her at all.

Chessed, showing selflessness in helping others, is a fundamental and core value of our people, tradition and sacred Torah. It is a pillar upon which the world leans, no less critical and supportive than Torah and davening. And yet, so many of us struggle with instinctively and intuitively leaving our comfort zones and extending ourselves to help others.

Real chessed is almost by definition inconvenient. Having someone when you are having many guests anyway, visiting someone when you will be at the hospital anyway, hosting families or singles that are your close friends, are all meritorious and admirable, but they shouldn’t be confused with the highest form of chessed. Real chessed is doing what needs to be done, when it needs to be done and for whom it needs to be done, even, and perhaps especially, when it is not convenient and brings no glory.

Many older people take a pass on chessed opportunities, saying that they have put in their time when they were younger and many younger people don’t participate saying that their children’s needs and their personal lives leave them no time to help others. So who is left to do chessed? Does one ever graduate or complete their obligation and duty to extend themselves for others? Would it not be the greatest education we could provide our children to invite them to participate in our acts of chessed for others so that chessed is not taking away from our children, but rather it is enhancing and enriching them?

Many are not predisposed to seeking out chessed opportunities and looking for ways to help others, and perhaps that is even understandable. What is not understandable, however, is not answering when an opportunity presents itself to us directly.

Even if you don’t seek out or look for chessed, I beg you not to look away when chessed seeks you out. If it was us, God forbid, needing a minyan for shiva, or our family member needing someone to host them for a meal, we would be terribly disappointed if nobody would step up. Next time, when asked to do a chessed, please step up and save someone else that same disappointment.

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