Are We Playing God? Leadership, Vaccination and a Communal Policy

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The ultimate measure of a leader is not where he or she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he or she stands in times of challenge and controversy, when decisions bring about uncomfortable consequences.

In a recent post titled “Vaccines and Jewish Leadership Hypocrisy,” a colleague and friend of ours challenges a policy that we—together with Jewish institutions around the country—have instituted, which prohibits non-vaccinated children from attending or participating without a valid medical exemption. He argues:

This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with a philosophy of health …This is not to suggest we are not to take care of ourselves! Or seek medical attention when we are ill. But it is to suggest that there are different philosophies of medicine. Vaccination is one route. Clean and healthy living is another. Certainly bringing God into the equation is another.

Such an approach is not only wrong, it is irresponsible and dangerous, particularly coming from a rabbi and community leader. The “question” about vaccination is not one of lifestyle. It is not comparable to a debate about veganism versus vegetarianism versus carnivorism,or whether coffee is good or bad for you. Plain and simple, regardless of your “philosophy” or approach regarding health, “clean and healthy living” doesn’t prevent measles, mumps or influenza or from transmitting them to others. Vaccination is about far more than personal choice. Because we all interact with one another and potentially transmit diseases to one another, vaccination is about public policy and public health.

Here are some basic facts about measles that the average person, including those who vaccinate, may not be aware of but that inform the new policy and why we feel strongly about it. We have no reason to think about them any differently than statistics about diabetes, breast cancer, or lead poisoning that help us make informed decisions in our lives and help set policy for the communities that we are responsible for.

Measles is one of the most contagious diseases known to man, so contagious that nine out of ten non-immune people (which includes all infants under the age of 1) will contract the disease just from being exposed to someone with measles.

Measles can spread by simple breathing and can remain in the air even 2 hours after someone with measles has left the area and can be spread by someone before they develop any symptoms themselves.

Even after receiving both recommended doses of the MMR (measles mumps and rubella) vaccine, there is a statistical likelihood that 3 out of every 100 vaccinated people are still susceptible to these diseases.

Put simply, illnesses that were thought to be virtually eliminated have not only resurfaced but are close to epidemic proportions with over 170 cases of measles in New York, New Jersey, and Washington, just since September. What happened? Unvaccinated children and adults have provided fertile ground for the virus to take hold and spread. In Yerushalayim, an unvaccinated baby recently died from measles, the first recorded death from measles in Israel in the past 15 years.

This isn’t about clean and healthy living, it is about following protocol and policy that has been universally embraced by the established medical community in America and across the world. While different countries have slightly varying vaccination schedules, there is literally no debate as to the efficacy and critical importance of vaccination.

Describing those who oppose vaccinations as having “come to different conclusions” is similar to presenting those who think the world is flat, or that 9-11 was an inside job, or that we didn’t really land on the moon as also having come to equally legitimate but simply “different conclusions” than the rest of us. These are equally ludicrous conclusions but with one critical difference. If you think the world is flat or these other events never happened, you don’t directly endanger anyone else, no matter how wrong or inaccurate you might be. If, however, you believe or defend those who believe that we need not or should not vaccinate, you are, without exaggeration, taking other people’s lives into your hands.

There is more data supporting the safety and efficacy of vaccines than there is for most other medical therapies that we regularly engage in without as much as a thought, including those who don’t believe in vaccines. Thus, we find no more reason to doubt the veracity and motive of this broad consensus than we do to question recommendations about seatbelts, teeth-brushing, or cancer screening. To embrace skepticism without substantiated claims just because of vocal opposition would be not only irresponsible but outright dangerous.

When vaccination rates drop, everybody is at risk. While no medicine or preventive measure can guard against everything and anything, vaccines are the best tool we have in promoting and maintaining our health. Pretending that this data doesn’t exist doesn’t make it so.

In fact, according to epidemiological data, the public health campaign of vaccinations is the greatest medical achievement of mankind. Ever. Diseases that once regularly took the lives of young children, disfigured millions, and ravaged communities are simply gone. Because of their success and our collective unfamiliarity with those conditions, some people have a hard time believing that this was once our reality. But it’s only because we’ve been so vigilant about vaccinations that it’s been this successful. The emerging realities in New York, New Jersey, and Washington State are just the tip of a potentially very deadly iceberg.

We believe that it is an imperative for us to take steps, as individuals and as a community, to protect our health. Not only is doing so not spiritually problematic, it is what is religiously demanded and expected of us. When God created the world, He deliberately left it imperfect. He left it for us to repair, discover, manipulate and complete His creation. Modern medicine is one of the greatest gifts that God planted in this world so many years ago. When we use it, when we build off the discoveries of those who came before, and can even now proactively and preventively prevent disease, we are partnering with God in perfecting His world.

If you think that “clean and healthy living” has managed to eradicate smallpox, haemophilus influenzae, and polio instead of an aggressive vaccination campaign, you aren’t looking at historical facts with an alternative perspective on health and healing. You are just wrong.

If you believe that the earth is flat, you don’t have a different perspective on geometry and physics. You are just wrong. If you think that vaccines cause autism and are putting thousands, nay, millions of kids in danger each year all in the name of some Big Pharma conspiracy, you aren’t looking at the current state of medicine with an enlightened lens. You are just wrong.

If you walk across a six-lane highway without looking both ways, you aren’t demonstrating an unflinching faith in benevolent providence that God will protect you. You are acting like a dangerous fool and it would be you, not He, who is responsible for the potentially fatal consequence. Similarly, when it comes to disease and medicine, God does protect us, by enabling and empowering us to do successful scientific research and discover drugs and vaccines that can protect us, heal us and extend our lives. Embracing those findings and using them is expressing faith in God. Ignoring them is ignoring God’s gift and benevolence to us.

But even if you are unconvinced by the preponderance of evidence supporting vaccination, Jewish communal policy would and should be unchanged. Historically, Jewish law regarding health and medicine has always mandated following what the medical establishment and majority of doctors believe at the time, even if that could change.

Given the medical community’s current consensus and recommendations, we do not believe that Jewish law allows us to ignore them in formulating policies for our communities.

Our colleague mocks rabbis who quote Rav Elyashiv zt”l and others whom they don’t consistently look to for guidance. However, we believe that there is a broad rabbinic consensus here, too, from the Charedi to Modern Orthodox], from every segment of the halachic community and across the full spectrum of orthodoxy. In fact, we do not know of even one recognized posek who, in the reality of the current outbreak, supports not getting vaccinated or opposes school policies t that don’t allow unvaccinated children to attend.

He concluded his original essay by asking:

I look at the landscape of what is going on, and I shudder to think that a community of Jewish people who think differently are being thrown out by people and leadership who do not even listen to them, who do not acknowledge their view (and fears) as valid, who do not seek to understand their perspective, and who do not even give them a hearing. JEWS THROWING OUT JEWS. What would our ancestors say?

Couldn’t it be argued that those who are kicking kids out of schools and yeshivas, shuls and camps, are also presuming to play God? Presuming to understand how the world works? Wouldn’t we need permission from God in order to play God with their neshamas?

He is right that we shouldn’t simply dismiss, reject or cast to the side those that are unwilling to follow the vaccination policy, no matter how misguided we think they are. We should be, and we are, concerned with their future place within the community and their children having access to Jewish education. They are our brothers and sisters and we love and care about them, even though they are wrong about this issue and have concerns with how their position impacts us. And it goes without saying, they are still our dear friends and neighbors, and their place in our community is not defined by this one issue.

However, we take great offense to the suggestion that community leaders who are following both medical and rabbinic consensus by embracing policies that protect safety and health are “playing God.” We, too, believe every neshama is important and that is why we are promoting policies that will protect and preserve the health of all our precious neshamos based on current medical guidelines, a policy Torah and Halacha have always followed.

We have each met with families who have concerns and are affected by our vaccination policy. We have sought to hear them and to feel their pain. We, too, are deeply troubled and worried about Jewish children who are missing out on a Jewish education as a result of the policy, only we place the burden of responsibility to avoid that on their parents, not the schools.

We are greatly sympathetic to the feelings of isolation or marginalization that non-vaccinating families must be enduring. But let’s be clear – nobody has kicked them out or put them in cherem. They have been, currently are, and always will be welcome in our schools, provided that they comply with our safety policies. Schools are entitled to, and responsible for, having policies regarding safety, whether it relates to drugs, weapons, or health standards.

Rabbi Dr. Aaron Glatt, assistant rabbi of the Young Israel of Woodmere, put it well when he recently wrote:

Imagine if parents were to insist their child come to school armed with a revolver. Would even the most ardent gun rights activist defend them? Of course not. So why are we letting children come to our shuls, schools, and camps spreading serious potentially life-threatening illness that could have been prevented by vaccination?

We don’t question the author’s sincerity or his genuine concern for families who are outliers on this issue. We question his premise and presumption, that he has a monopoly on sleepless nights, worry, and fear for these children and the impact of this policy. We are deeply concerned, and we are not alone. His article, originally titled “Vaccines and Jewish Leadership Hypocrisy,” misunderstands and misrepresents what leadership is all about. Leadership is not about allowing your emotions, however noble they are, to cloud your judgment, particularly when so much is at stake. Leadership demands taking strong positions, even when they result in difficult and uncomfortable consequences.

We continue to pray that our community and the world embrace the breakthroughs that God has enabled us to achieve and that He inspire all to utilize them in a way that eliminates disease and illness from our midst.

Extreme Immodesty and Modesty Extremism – Marching to the Beat of our Own Drums

Earlier this week, after much hesitation and deliberation about weighing in on a recent Jewish news story, I wrote the following:

My wife is one of the most modest people I know – humble, appropriate, under the radar and tzanua. And… she played the drums at our wedding.

Countless people have forwarded the articles about the bride in Bnei Brak who played the drums at her wedding and the hall and band were forced to apologize for the breach of modesty. Many have asked for my reaction to the story, given our wedding.

So here it is: There are parts of the Torah definition of modesty that are objective, regulated by Jewish law and there are parts that are subjective, standards created by each particular community. All would agree a woman playing an instrument is not objectively prohibited. Apparently, some communities would define it as a subjective breach of modesty, and we need to recognize that they are entitled to do so.

However, while adopting extreme and perhaps excessive standards of modesty might seem like the appropriate reaction and response to our culture which is increasingly becoming extremely immodest, it doesn’t come without a risk and a cost.

We are caught in a vicious cycle in which the extreme immodesty is breeding modesty extremism. The more society says there are no boundaries or limits, that nobody has a right to impose any definition of modesty on anyone else and all are entitled to dress, act, say and identify however they please and in whatever way makes them happy, the more those committed to modesty feel they need to become more restrictive and more narrow, even to the point of the absurd.

But the result is counterproductive as some who in principle are committed to modesty, see the extremism and are so turned off, they go in the opposite direction. Given the choice of living in one of the two worlds, they feel more comfortable with those who bend modesty that those who are excessively rigid with it.

But here is the thing – there aren’t only two options, we don’t have to choose between the extremes. There is a world of Torah observant Jews who are both committed to modesty in principle and in practice, who live with boundaries in speech, dress and conduct and who are turned off equally by extremism on both sides. We need to find a way to band together to preserve the attitude and community standards that are not only most true to Torah and our mesorah, but most likely to retain and attract others to a Torah way of life. We need to not feel apologetic or defensive to either side but we must articulate the values that inform our space, the “normal” place so those like us don’t feel so lonely, so frustrated and such despair from what they see in both directions.

So, if a community wants to adopt a standard of women not playing instruments in public, it is not only entitled to, there is something admirable about its conscious effort to enforce a sense of modesty. However, the goal posts of modesty for the rest of the Jewish community isn’t moved because of it and nobody should be measured or judged by it. We remain entitled, by halacha and by mesorah, to subscribe to the same objective standards of modesty while defining and preserving our own subjective ones which includes our brides playing the drums on a night unlike most others, where they are center stage by any measure.

My thoughts clearly struck a chord and resonated with many as the post quickly picked up steam and was shared widely. But not surprisingly, not all agreed or were happy with it. I am grateful for their feedback and for the opportunity to engage in this conversation. I think it is a critically important one, and I have a few further points I’d like to share.

First, those living in Israel and those living in America are addressing two different realities and describing two different phenomena which, though they overlap and are similar, are also very different. In Israel, the more right-wing community often doesn’t only adopt standards for themselves, but its zealots and enthusiasts have been guilty of coercing those not from their community to adopt their standards. In America, in my experience, the right-wing community establishes policies for their constituents and does not try to coerce or force it on others. So while, for example, pictures of women have been torn down in non-charedi communities in Israel and innocent young women in Beit Shemesh have been treated nothing short of horrifically for wearing clothing that does not live up to charedi standards of modesty, nobody in America is forcing others to subscribe to magazines that don’t include women’s pictures. This distinction is very important and I believe informs our different views on this issue.

Second, I referenced the recent incident with a bride playing drums in Bnei Brak to share thoughts on the broader issue but wasn’t focused on that particular story. Of course, I agree that no individual should be shamed or embarrassed or the subject of gossip, not in the name of preserving modesty or for other reasons, noble or ignoble.

Third, I regret not being more clear in what I meant when I wrote, “there is something admirable about its conscious effort to enforce a sense of modesty.” I don’t believe this specific policy or other extreme policies are admirable. My admiration is not for the policy or how it was executed, it was more broadly for a community that is committed to preserving modesty in an increasingly immodest world.

To be clear, I share the frustration with the direction of modesty extremism. That is why I originally wrote that I think these new restrictions are not only inconsistent with our mesorah, I fear they are counterproductive. But now what? There is extreme immodesty in one direction and modesty extremism in another. Both concern me, but neither of those sides is concerned with what I think about their policies and practices. So what is the best response? I believe it is to work on our community, to create and protect a space for those who are unequivocally committed to halacha, who yield to Torah and mesorah, but who believe in moderation, normalcy and standards that are reasonable and arrived at with input from all the stakeholders.

I believe it is both more appropriate, and more fruitful, to channel my frustration into important conversations regarding our community’s policies and efforts regarding modesty, than it is to try to influence the standards of other communities who want to hear what we think, about as much as we want to hear their opinions about us.

While I disagree with them, I believe those communities who have adopted policies for themselves and are not imposing them on others (like in America), are entitled to come to their own conclusions. I even presume they are doing so responsibly and thoughtfully. I know some of them personally, they are not the Taliban, they aren’t misogynists or barbarians. They are struggling with navigating the input of gedolei yisrael, the “marketplace,” and how to implement what they think is morally correct.

I don’t want them telling me that I am not entitled to my conclusions and I am not prepared to tell them that their conclusions are categorically wrong. Their positions are not appropriate for my community and that is why I will advocate in every way that I can that we not adopt them or imitate them, but I am not the arbiter, judge, or policeman of what is deemed modest in other communities.

But if our only conversations and articles protest what we reject, we have done a terrible disservice and have left a great vacuum. The conversations in our community about moderate modesty or normal tznius seem to always focus on the “moderate” and the “normal” and not a lot on the “modesty” or the “tznius.” Are we doing anything to address the modesty in our community, from ostentatiousness and flamboyancy to consuming pop culture indiscriminately?

Why do people in our community feel so comfortable sharing about television or movies they watch that would once qualify as soft pornography with no shame or embarrassment? Why do we ignore or brush aside issues with promiscuity within our community? What are we doing about the objectification of women, not only by extreme rules of modesty, but by the marketing and celebration of increasingly immodest models and actresses? When and how will we protest society’s continually lowering the standards for publicly acceptable language and messages?

I can’t speak for what is happening in Israel and am heartbroken when I hear stories of people, mostly women, being physically coerced or bullied in their community by those from a community with different standards. But let’s change the conversation from what we are rejecting to what we want to adopt. Let’s shift from that which is beyond our control to that which we can influence. Let’s convene to analyze what is working and what isn’t, what is appropriate and what is counterproductive. Let’s not only talk about what we shouldn’t look like, let’s dream and aspire to holiness that our community could model.

Instead of offering condemnation of others, let’s use this opportunity to ask questions of ourselves. How can we inspire and improve our sense of modesty with normalcy and moderation? What can we do to preserve our sacred boundaries and to raise the level of holiness in our community? Let’s not only talk about those who are getting it wrong, let’s have a conversation about how to get it right. If we can successfully articulate a compelling vision, we will not only enthusiastically retain those from our community, we will become a place that attracts those who are turned off by others.

Anger is Contagious Like the Flu

Flu season is currently making itself known around the community, first among kids and now hitting adults. But diseases and illnesses are not the only things that are contagious. Without you even realizing it, how you are feeling today is likely influencing and impacting the feelings of people around you. According to Dr. Nicholas Christakis of Yale University, “If someone smiles at you, you smile back at them. That’s a very fleeting contagion of emotion from one person to another.” He found that if you are exhibiting happiness, a friend living nearby has a 25% higher chance of becoming happy too.

But Dr. Christakis found that the opposite is also true. His research shows that if you display anger, those around you will fill with anger too. The contagiousness of happiness is welcome, but when anger spreads, it is toxic, destructive and can have devastating consequences.

Our parsha contains the admonition, Lo seva’aru eish b’chol moshvoseichem b’yom ha’Shabbos, do not kindle a fire in any of your residences on Shabbos. In its literal sense, this pasuk is the source of the prohibition to light a fire on Shabbos. However, the Shelah HaKadosh, R’ Yeshaya HaLevi Horowitz (1558-1630) offers a homiletical interpretation.

He suggests that eish, fire, is an allusion to anger and rage. The pasuk is instructing us that a person must never let anger or machlokes burn on erev shabbos or shabbos. The Zohar says that moshvoseichem, guarding “your house” from fire, refers to your heart and guarding it from being filled with emotional fire: anger, bitterness, or negativity.

The Rambam writes that real anger is never healthy, it is never warranted or productive. At most, one may exhibit anger in order to communicate a message or accomplish a goal but one can never actually give in to the emotion of anger.

An angry person loses judgment and vision, and often acts in a self-destructive fashion. The Sefer Chareidim (Teshuvah, Ch. 4) writes: If one lost a beautiful flower, it would be madness for him to react by breaking a precious object worth thousands of times more than the small flower. Similarly, the person who loses his temper shatters his peace of mind – a commodity far more precious than the relatively trivial loss which triggered his anger.

The word “rage” comes from the Latin rabies, meaning madness. Giving in to rage is an act of madness because you give up so much and get nothing in return. The Rambam in Hilchos Dei’os (2:3) writes that anger diminishes a person’s overall quality of life: “Those who frequently become angry have no quality of life; therefore, [the Sages] instructed us to distance ourselves from anger to the farthest degree, until a person acts as though he does not sense even those things that would justifiably anger a person.”

Shabbos is characterized by serenity, tranquility and contentment. There is no room for even the appearance of anger, impatience, or controversy. Erev Shabbos is particularly predisposed to anger, with everyone rushing and hurrying, much to do, and often children who are not cooperating or adults who are not meeting our expectations of what needs to be done. Shabbos, too, we can easily be tempted to be angry when the meals don’t go the way we want, our nap is disrupted, or the rabbi went on too long with his derasha.

Shabbos is a particularly important time to conquer the urge for anger and maintain cool. In the special Retzei paragraph in Shabbos benching, we ask – shelo sehei tzarah v’yagon v’anachah b’yom menuchaseinu, let there be no distress, grief or negativity on this day of our contentment.”

We often think of anger as an instinctive emotion, a reaction that we cannot help or control. Clearly, the Zohar, the Shelah and others didn’t see it that way. Kindling a fire is prohibited on Shabbos because it is meleches machsheves, a constructive, creative act. Anger, too, is a creation, not simply a natural reaction. When we get angry, we have made a decision, consciously or subconsciously, to create anger and to allow ourselves to be angry, but we don’t have to. Lo seva’aru eish, don’t create anger. Be in control and resist the urge which can in fact be overcome.

In an article titled, “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kid,” an anonymous mother describes the moment she decided to change. She had lost it with her children in front of a handyman and was mortified. She pledged to go one year, 365 straight days, without yelling. When she wrote the article she was over 400 days without giving in to her urge to yell or scream or get angry and she shared the top 10 things she learned in the process. Here are a few of them:

Yelling isn’t the only thing I haven’t done in over a year.

I also haven’t gone to bed with a gut-wrenching pit in my stomach because I felt like the worst mom ever.

My kids are my most important audience.

When I had my “no more yelling epiphany,” I realized that I don’t yell in the presence of others because I want them to believe I am a loving and patient mom. The truth is, I already was that way… but rarely when I was alone, just always when I was in public with an audience to judge me. This is so backwards! I always have an audience — my four boys are always watching me and THEY are the audience that matters most; they are the ones I want to show just how loving, patient and “yell-free” I can be. I remember this whenever I am home and thinking I can’t keep it together; obviously I can… I do it out and about all the time!

Two words you should always remember are “at least.”

My new favorite words: “at least.” These two small words give me great perspective and remind me to chill out. I use them readily in any annoying but not yell worthy kid situation. “He just dropped an entire jug of milk on the floor… at least it wasn’t glass and at least he was trying to help!” I also use them readily when I want to give up: “Okay, this is hard but at least there are only three hours until bedtime, not 12.”

Not yelling feels phenomenal for everyone.

Now that I have stopped yelling, not only do I feel happier and calmer, I also feel lighter. I go to bed guilt-free and wake up more confident that I can parent with greater understanding of my kids, my needs, and how to be more loving and patient. And I am pretty sure my kids feel happier and calmer too.

Knowing how contagious they are, we take every precaution to avoid illnesses that can be transmitted from one person to another. We must be just as cautious to not only avoid getting angry ourselves, but from contracting the propensity for anger that is contagious and can be transmitted from others. Each and every Shabbos we experience the anger test challenging us not to light a fire in our dwelling, our home, or in our hearts. When we pass, that sense of patience and tranquility not only fills our home for Shabbos, but carries over to the week.

We would never light a fire or turn on a light on Shabbos, let’s not let the fire of anger or rage burn as well.

You Won’t Believe What This Man Did for His Competitor

You Wonât Believe What This Man Did for His Competitor In January, a fire destroyed the building that housed Yossi Heiman’s Fish Market in Borough Park, Brooklyn, leaving him with no place to operate his business and no ability to draw income. Shea Langsam owns a similar store, Fish to Dish, just a few blocks away. One would have thought that as sympathetic as he may be for his competitor’s poor fortune, he would welcome this opportunity to acquire new customers and increase his business.

Instead, Shea did something truly remarkable. When he learned of the fire, he picked up the phone and called his competitor. “When he [Yossi] said that he needs a facility to process and deliver orders for his customers, I said, ‘Why not join me in my store?’ As fellow community members we all try to help each other as much as we can.” Shea received an official citation from New York State Assembly Member Simcha Eichenstein for his incredible kindness, welcoming his competitor to operate out of his space until the store could be rebuilt.

The story is extraordinary for many reasons. It is an example of seeing fellow community members as part of one family, putting their needs ahead of our own aspiration to make more money or grow our business. But the story is exceptional for another reason: It is a truly genuine display of true faith, a great example of emunah and bitachon not existing in the form of empty lip service, but being put into practice in a very real way.

When I saw this story, I was immediately reminded of a powerful passage in the Chazon Ish’s Emunah U’Bitachon:

What we see in life is people like Reuven, who is a moral person, always speaking of trust in Hashem, condemning excessive efforts in life, and expressing his abhorrence of constant pursuit of financial means. Indeed, he is a successful person: he lacks no customers in his store, and he does not need to expend efforts in that direction. He loves the concept of trust in Hashem, because even that concept smiles upon him.

And suddenly, we are surprised to see Reuven, that great truster in Hashem, conferring secretly with his assistants and consultants as to how to stop a potential rival who plans to open a store just like his. Reuven is very upset by this threat; at the beginning he keeps his feelings to himself, because he is embarrassed to reveal them to his acquaintances, fearing their derision. But with time, he loses his sense of shame, and begins to act openly with the aim of preventing the rival from carrying out his plan. Gradually he gravitates towards the crooked path, and his sense of shame evaporates: he openly commits low and deplorable actions – in public. The competition between him and his rival becomes widely known and is the talk of town – and still he feels no shame, but rather comes up with baseless and untrue reasons and explanations in order to justify his actions.

Over time he becomes even more sophisticated and adds new explanations, claiming that everything he is doing against this rival is for the sake of Heaven and is morally acceptable. He actually fools himself into believing this, and fools others as well – simple people or those who love a good fight, and usually he attracts fight mongers, and gossip lovers; Satan creates peace between them all so that they can build a stable fortress of strife and arguments, speaking evil of others, lies, tale bearing and baseless hatred – all of which shorten men’s lives.

The Chazon Ish is describing a phenomenon of people who daven with great kavannah, talk about God and divine providence frequently, regularly employ expressions like “Baruch Hashem,” “Be’zras Hashem,” “Imirtza Hashem,” “Chasdei Hashem,” and yet when the rubber meets the road, they totally abandon faith and erase God from the picture. One cannot talk about believing in God and then be ruthless in business, undercut competitors, take excessive initiative or be paralyzed with anxiety and worry about things beyond our control.

True faith in Hashem means catching ourselves before getting anxious about our competitors or feeling fear about our income and reminding ourselves that while we should take initiative, work hard, be creative, and have ambition, we must leave the rest to Hashem, our senior partner in any enterprise.

Minimally, emunah means we need not worry, but Shea Langsam has taught us that living with emunah can mean even more. With faith in Hashem, we can even find the capacity to help a competitor, recognizing that Hashem can partner with both of us and bring us each great success and prosperity.

The pasuk in Tehilim (81:10) says Lo yiheyeh becha el zar, which is usually translated as don’t have among you a foreign god. The Kotzker Rebbe offers an alternative, fantastic homiletical interpretation. He explains, don’t relate to God as a zar, someone who is foreign, distant and a stranger. Don’t talk about God while failing to maintain a real, personal and intimate relationship with Him.

We talk about God a lot, we even claim to talk to God three times a day. But many of us leave Him in shul, we say goodbye when we close the siddur. Real emunah means taking Hashem to work with us and feeling not only His presence everywhere we go, but His partnership and investment in us and in our success.

It is Time for Outrage, Not Silence!

Adapted from a Sermon delivered at Boca Raton Synagogue

January 19, 2019 – Shabbos Parshas Beshalach

Martin Luther King, Jr., whose birthday we will mark this Monday, spoke powerfully about the danger and potential damage of silence. He once said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” On another occasion he said, “In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Both of these insights, separately and the combination of the two together, resonate deeply for me these days, days in which the silence from too many is growing increasingly worrisome.

This morning, as we sit here in shul, the 3^rd Annual Women’s March will be held in cities across the country. Many of its most prominent founders and leaders have associated with outspoken anti-Semites and have been accused of expressing anti-Jewish sentiments themselves. Just this week, on a major talk show, women’s march founder Tamika Mallory, who called her hero Louis Farrakhan the greatest of all time, refused to condemn his statements, among them his calling Jews termites, Satan and “the great enemy.” In another interview, she refused to recognize Israel’s existence, while calling Palestinians native to the Land of Israel.

To their credit, some refuse to be silent and have disassociated from the movement. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz wrote an op-ed in USA Today this week explaining why she cannot continue to participate. “I cannot associate with the national march’s leaders and principles, which refuse to completely repudiate anti-Semitism and all forms of bigotry.” The Democratic National Committee removed itself from the list of sponsors and should be commended for doing so.

But aside from the few who have spoken out, there is deafening silence from too many groups, among them those who supposedly stand against bigotry and discrimination like the ACLU and others. New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, who has announced her intention to run for President, is attending this morning’s women’s march in Iowa, but while she spoke out against anti-Semitism in general, she has refused to condemn the march specifically or its organizers for their associations and comments. Would she ever participate in a march whose founders identify with leading racists and who themselves have been accused of racists comments and policies? Can you imagine the backlash she, or others, would face?

Rep. Steven King of Iowa made deeply disturbing remarks about white supremacists and his colleagues acted swiftly, and correctly, stripping him of his committee assignments. But what about Rep. Ilhan Omar who supports BDS, a hypocritical anti-Semitic policy against Israel, a woman who once tweeted “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.”

Instead of being held accountable for her offensive, discriminatory remarks, she was placed on the Foreign Affairs Committee on Thursday. A woman who holds anti-Semitic views and who described the “evil doings” of Israel has been placed on the most important committee for foreign policy. In response, there was no uproar or outrage, only absolute silence. Indeed, those who spoke about her appointment, haven’t done so in opposition to her appointment, but in opposition to anyone who dared to oppose her appointment. Shockingly, JStreet’s founder and leader said, “smearing Rep. Omar as an anti-Semite – or suggesting that she is somehow not fit to serve on an important committee like Foreign Affairs – is bigoted and deeply wrong.”

In other news this past week, a Palestinian activist who has praised Hezbollah, said Israel did not have the right to exist, and has called for Israeli “Zionist terrorist” Jews to return to Poland, posted a picture of himself with Freshman Congresswoman Rep. Rashida Tlaib after she posed for a picture with him at a private, invitation only dinner following her swearing in. What do you think the reaction has been from her colleagues? Deafening Silence. Can you imagine a member of Congress posing for a picture with David Duke or a KKK member at a private reception? It would correctly elicit outrage. Where is the outrage when it is hatred against Jews?

Martin Luther King was absolutely correct: If we are silent in moments like these, our lives have literally begun to end. Outrageous comments, views and associations deserve to be greeted with outrage. Intolerable comments, pictures and attitudes must not be tolerated. And he was also right when he said most disturbing is the silence of our friends. Where is the outrage and condemnation from Jewish elected officials about their colleagues’ anti-Israel remarks and aspersions, paralleling their reaction to Rep. King? Where is the ADL to lead the fight, stand up for truth, be at the forefront of calling out inappropriate and offensive speech, posts, pictures and policies?

Whether Avraham Avinu speaking truth to the ultimate Power when he protested the impending destruction of Sedom, Moshe challenging Hashem about why bad things happen to good people, Moshe and Aharon confronting Pharaoh, Esther and Mordechai taking on Haman, the Chashmonaim standing up to the Syrian Greeks against all odds, or countless other examples, we come from a tradition of not being silent when injustice is being perpetrated against anyone, and certainly not when it is directed against our people.

These are moments that demand we not remain silent. Hashem has blessed us with voices, with influence and with access. We must speak up and speak out and hold those that are silent accountable. We must generate outrage, the most powerful commodity these days and the only one that draws attention and demands action and reaction.

But while there are moments like these to overcome our silence and to express outrage, there are other times in which we would do better to be quiet than to react with indignation.

When the Jewish people miraculously cross the sea and emerge safely on the other side, they erupt in spontaneous song – Az yashir Moshe u’Vnei Yisroel. In that song that we recite each morning in our prayers, we describe Hashem:

מִֽי־כָמֹ֤כָה בָּֽאֵלִם֙ ה׳ מִ֥י כָּמֹ֖כָה נֶאְדָּ֣ר בַּקֹּ֑דֶשׁ נוֹרָ֥א תְהִלֹּ֖ת עֹ֥שֵׂה פֶֽלֶא׃

“Who is like You, Hashem, among the celestials; Who is like You, majestic in holiness, Awesome in splendor, working wonders!”

We typically understand the song as praising Hashem’s unique power. For example, the Seforno writes: “Hashem’s incomparable stature consists in His ability to change the nature of phenomena in the universe which had previously been considered as indestructible, inviolate, impervious to any attempt by man to influence their nature in any way.”

But the Gemara understands our praise and awe of Hashem differently. When the wicked Titus entered our Holy Beis Ha’Mikdash and desecrated the Holy of Holies in unspeakable ways, Hashem was silent, He was passive and failed to react. Why would the Almighty, the infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, all-powerful Hashem, do nothing when He could do anything? Our rabbis explain (Gittin 56b):

מי כמוכה באלים ה’ מי כמוכה באלמים דבי רבי ישמעאל תנא

Do not read “Who is like You God b’eilim,” among the celestials, but “Who is like You b’ilmim,” among the mute. Hashem modeled for us the greatest strength, the most powerful response – doing nothing. God showed us His power not by manipulating nature and controlling the world, but by the self-control and discipline, to remain silent in the face of insult, defamation and even blasphemy.

He taught us that our greatest strength too is not in overreacting to being insulted; it is not acting at all. Chazal teach (Shabbos 86) we should train ourselves to always be min ha’ne’elavim v’einam olvim, from those who when insulted don’t insult back; shom’im cherpasam v’einam m’shivim, hear the wrath against them, but don’t respond.

Save your outrage and indignation for things that truly matter, for threats that are real and for insults and offenses that have real consequences. When it comes to a personal slight, a hurtful insult, let it go, walk away. But how? We get that nasty text, that hurtful email, someone makes an aggressive comment. How do we stay silent? How can we find the resolve to walk away, press delete, not match or escalate what has been cast our way?

The answer is found in something we say every day, three times a day. We say at the end of the Amida – “v’limkalelai nafshi sidom, to those who curse me may my soul remain silent.” Why do we invoke nafshi, or soul? Perhaps we mention our soul because it is the source of our strength, our self-control. We each have a tzelem Elokim, a Godly spirit, and just as Hashem shows His greatness by hearing an insult and not responding, we too can find the inner strength and discipline to not respond and match the volume and vitriol, no matter how poorly we are mistreated.

The Zohar says that Hashem’s chariot has four legs, the first three are Avraham, Yitzchak and Ya’akov and the fourth is Dovid Ha’Melech. We understand the patriarchs are the three legs, by why Dovid over Moshe, Aharon, and so many worthy others?

The Chafetz Chaim, in his Shemiras Ha’Lashon explains that David Hamelech became the fourth leg of Hashem’s Chariot, when Shimi ben Geira hurled insults at him in public, and Dovid just ignored it. Even when Dovid’s servants wanted to respond, Dovid told them, he couldn’t be cursing me and embarrassing me if Hashem didn’t want it to happen, so leave it. There is a master plan, no need to respond.

Rav Pam says there are times we are meant to experience yesurin, suffering. It can come in many forms – illness, financial collapse, relationship crises. When it comes in the form of someone insulting us, we should sing and dance with joy that with all the options and alternatives, being insulted is our form of suffering. What a gift and a blessing. Lean into that insult, embrace it, and gladly take it and remain quiet.

Finding the capacity to remain silent, even when insulted, is an expression of true gevurah, of great strength. When we dig deep and find that ability, it creates a very special moment. We have a tradition that when being insulted, instead of responding, escalating or matching the vitriol, we should take a deep breath and offer a prayer, ask for something in that propitious and providential moment in time. That is when we are at our best and most worthy. Don’t waste it by shouting or insulting back; prove your strength and take advantage of the opportunity to be worthy by asking for something important.

My friends – We seem to have it backwards sometimes. We are outraged when we should be quiet, and when we should be screaming from the rooftops, somehow, we remain silent.

When it comes to anti-Semitism against our people and injustice against others, let’s vow to never be silent, to stand up and speak out. Let’s hold our elected officials accountable. Not the ones in the other party, that’s easy. But calling up and calling out those in our party, the ones we identify with and voted for. Object to the elected officials saying the wrong things and call up those who are remaining silent while their colleagues cross important boundaries.

But when it comes to being personally insulted, to absorbing a slight against ourselves, let’s learn to let it go, to show our true strength and be like Hashem, to be counted among the ilmim, those that are silent, and among the ne’elavim, those that are insulted but never insult back.

עת לדבר ועת לשתוק – We are blessed with voices; we have the capacity to express outrage. True wisdom, says Shlomo Ha’Melech is knowing when to use it. Choose carefully and wisely for there is a time to speak and a time to be silent.

An Open Letter to Those Coming to Florida for Yeshiva Week and to My Fellow Floridians…

Image result for florida This week marks the much-anticipated and highly-celebrated time on the Jewish calendar – Yeshiva Week, when many Jewish day schools and yeshivos give vacation and it feels like a significant percentage of the Jewish world goes on pilgrimage to Florida. There are many beautiful aspects to welcoming so many fellow Jews to our community. For me, I look forward to meeting and greeting guests, and learning about new people and the places they are visiting from. Nevertheless, for some visitors and local residents, yeshiva week can be challenging and frustrating when waiting on lines, looking for parking or struggling to get a table.

In general, whether we see the beauty and blessing or instead focus on the frustration and aggravation is really all up to us. In our Parsha, the Torah describes that after the Jewish people experienced the miraculous splitting of the sea, they encountered a problem. Lo yuchlu lishtos mayim mi’marah ki marim heim, they weren’t able to drink the water from Marah because they were marim, they were bitter. The Kotzker Rebbe asks, what was bitter? We traditionally translate that the water was bitter and it logically follows that this is what precluded the people from drinking it. The Kotzker, however, says marim heim is describing the people. The people were bitter, disgruntled, critical, judgmental, dismissive and dissatisfied and they accordingly infused a bitter taste into the water and were unable to drink it.

There is a phenomenon that psychologists call the ‘Missing Tile Syndrome.’ When a person is in a beautifully tiled room, his eye is not drawn to the ornate tiles or to the detailed labor. Rather, if there is one tile missing in the whole room, our natural tendency is to be drawn to and focused on that tile. We tend to fixate on what is missing, on what is lacking or deficient, instead of emphasizing the beauty, the abundance, or the plenty.

Our Jewish world too often has a culture of criticism. We suffer from the Missing Tile Syndrome, drawn to what we think is wrong or missing, instead of focusing on the abundance of blessing. Yeshiva Week presents a fantastic opportunity to bring parts of the Jewish world together, to form relationships and enjoy each other’s company while on vacation. We can focus on the blessings, the opportunities and the good, or we can be fixated with hyper criticism on what is frustrating or wrong.

There is always more we can do to make each other’s lives even more pleasant. Here are some suggestions:

To our Yeshiva Week visitors:

We hope you have a safe and smooth trip down here and enjoy your time in our community. We are very excited to welcome you and to benefit from the influx of your energy, enthusiasm and participation. We are grateful you have chosen to visit our community and to support our local establishments and attractions. If we can be helpful in any way during your visit or can offer any hospitality, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

If you don’t mind, here are a few reminders that may be helpful during your visit:

Unlike the Beis HaMikdash, our restaurants don’t expand based on the pilgrimage of Jews. Our proprietors and their staffs are doing the best they can. Please be patient, understanding and courteous, and please be generous with your tips, since the waiters are doing the best they can during an overwhelming time.

Please note and be sensitive to the fact that while you enjoy our many kosher dining options and kosher supermarkets, it is the local residents who support them all year long and enable them to be available to you when you visit.

Our community has many minyanim each morning and each evening. Please attend one of the listed minyanim and do not form a new one based on what time you arrive.

In South Florida, life moves at a little slower and more relaxed pace. If the light turns green and the person in front of you doesn’t step on the gas within a millisecond, be patient, take a deep breath, take in the palm trees, and enjoy being on vacation.

If you encounter a line, see it as an opportunity to spend time with others in your group or to read, learn, or listen to a shiur. Talk to the person in front of you or behind you; they are as eager as you to get to the front.

If you enjoy the minyanim, shiurim, learning opportunities, programs, mikvahs, eruv, or kashrus available in our community, please feel free to make a contribution of any amount to our Tomchei Shabbos or chesed fund that can use help and support.

Over the course of your stay, please come say hello and introduce yourself. If you are considering moving here, please let us know if there is any way we can help or any questions we can answer. We would love to get to know you.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg

________________________________

To my fellow Floridians,

This week begins the annual influx of visitors for Yeshiva week. This week is a great reminder of the honor and privilege we have to live year-round in the very place that others choose as their vacation destination. True, it may be hard to find parking, eat out or have your usual seat in shul during this time, but those are small prices to pay to offer gracious hospitality to fellow Jews.

If you don’t mind, here are a few reminders for the coming few weeks:

While we support the local establishments all year, don’t minimize or dismiss the economic boon that our proprietors have come to rely on from vacation week.

Be warm and welcoming when you see visitors and new faces. Offer a smile and a kind greeting.

Be patient, gracious and hospitable, and treat every visitor the way we would want to be treated when visiting or vacationing elsewhere.

If someone is sitting in your seat in Shul, don’t say anything or gesture to our guest to move; please find another seat. Our visitors aren’t doing anything malicious or with bad intent, they are just trying to experience davening at BRS.

Know it will be hard to get a table or eat out and plan around it. We can enjoy our wonderful restaurants all year long, let others have them for the week or be patient when eating out.

Don’t use social media to share any frustrations or displeasures. Post about all the beautiful tiles in your life, not the missing one.

Looking forward to welcoming our guests and enjoying this vacation period together.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg

Kavana and/or Convenience, Can You Have Both? A Measured Appeal to Those Who Attend Neighborhood Minyanim Instead of Shul

Image result for tyranny of convenience In recent years, there has been a proliferation of neighborhood minyanim that serve as alternatives to attending Shul. Some of these minyanim rotate between homes, while others are in fixed locations. Some meet only Friday nights while others also meet for Mincha and Maariv on Shabbos/Motzei Shabbos as well. All were started for convenience: for some the convenience of not walking longer distances, for others the convenience of a shorter, less formal service, and for some both.

I am sympathetic to the merits of such minyanim as I grew up attending one my entire childhood. We lived in the Northeast, close to a mile from Shul, with cold winters and regular snowfalls. With the rabbi’s permission, a minyan met in rotating basements. Besides the weather convenience, the minyan also provided the opportunity for young people to lead the davening, layn, and get kibbudim, opportunities often denied at the large shul. There is no doubt the minyan enabled and encouraged some who otherwise wouldn’t have davened with a minyan or even at all.

Personally, my first experience with Jewish communal leadership came as a teenager when I served as gabbai and made announcements at our local basement minyan. I am genuinely grateful for that experience and the lessons it afforded me.

And yet, as much as I see the merits, there are several halachic considerations and concerns regarding attending such minyanim. In an excellent article in the inaugural volume of Yadrim, the Torah Journal of our BRS Beis Medrash, Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz addresses many of them. Indeed, given the halachic and meta-halachic concerns, it is surprising how many people who are generally scrupulous and vigilant with not only keeping halacha, but observing minority opinions and stringencies, have no hesitation to host and attend home minyanim. Perhaps it is the absence at Shul of those who are admired for their religious fervor and davening with kavana that has the biggest impact and is felt the most.

Colleagues from across the country have described the same phenomenon we are seeing in Boca – the increase in neighborhood minyanim is, on a very practical level, impacting the attendance, feel, energy and experience of davening in the Shul itself. Having a large crowd with high energy is not just a nice idea in theory, but it is an important value.

The pasuk (Mishlei 14:28) describes an axiom of Halacha: B’rov am hadras melech, the larger the gathering, the more glory and honor we give God. With this in mind, the Shulchan Aruch (90:9) records that one should always try to daven in Shul. The Magen Avraham (90:15) offers this encouragement even if one has a minyan in his own home, ruling that one should still attend shul since more people will be davening together.

Beyond the halachic considerations mentioned above, we need to be thinking about the practical impact of attending home minyanim. The casual atmosphere in a home, the presence of countless distractions, and the informal nature of the minyan almost guarantee the quality of davening will be inferior to davening at shul. But even if it is not, or even if we don’t care if it is, we need to be sensitive to, and considerate of, the impact of our absence on the Shul itself.

To be clear, I am not addressing the phenomenon of those who attend Shtiebels as alternatives to traditional shuls. I am referring to people who belong to and are loyal to their Shul, pay membership, attend Shabbos morning and participate in programs, classes and events, but for convenience stay on the block or nearby on Friday night and Shabbos Mincha and Maariv. In our community, the existence of neighborhood minyanim doesn’t affect our budget or the size of our membership. But it does negatively impact both those who are still coming to Shul and I would argue, also impacts negatively on those who are choosing not to.

At times a home minyan is held for someone who is ill, debilitated, or unable to attend shul due to extenuating circumstances. In most cases, however, the motivation for the minyan is simply convenience.

In a recent column in the New York Times, The Tyranny of Convenience, Tim Wu writes:

As Evan Williams, a co-founder of Twitter, recently put it, “Convenience decides everything.” Convenience seems to make our decisions for us, trumping what we like to imagine are our true preferences. Easy is better, easiest is best…But we err in presuming convenience is always good, for it has a complex relationship with other ideals that we hold dear.

Though understood and promoted as an instrument of liberation, convenience has a dark side. With its promise of smooth, effortless efficiency, it threatens to erase the sort of struggles and challenges that help give meaning to life…

We need to consciously embrace the inconvenient — not always, but more of the time. Nowadays individuality has come to reside in making at least some inconvenient choices. You need not churn your own butter or hunt your own meat, but if you want to be someone, you cannot allow convenience to be the value that transcends all others. Struggle is not always a problem. Sometimes struggle is a solution. It can be the solution to the question of who you are…

So let’s reflect on the tyranny of convenience, try more often to resist its stupefying power, and see what happens. We must never forget the joy of doing something slow and something difficult, the satisfaction of not doing what is easiest. The constellation of inconvenient choices may be all that stands between us and a life of total, efficient conformity.

Yes, walking a few more blocks or participating in davening that lasts a few more minutes is less convenient. But since when is convenience the priority in decision-making or the core value in determining what we do, particularly something as important as where we daven?

I know convenience isn’t the only factor. Neighborhood minyanim breed friendships, camaraderie and provide a sense of sub-communities within the greater community. But I believe if we are honest, we would admit that those can be accomplished at other times and in other ways. It seems to me both from my youth as a participant and now as an interested observer, convenience is in fact the main driving force behind these minyanim.

As Tim Wu argues – it is time we liberate ourselves from the tyranny of convenience and allow ourselves to experience the satisfaction that results in having exerted a little more effort. Walking a few more steps, planning our erev Shabbos to be ready a few minutes earlier, spending a few more moments in song and communal prayer, are not only more elevating and more enriching, but doing them cultivates and brings out the best version of ourselves.

The walk to and from Shul often offers quality time, memorable conversations and positive interactions among family and friends. Embrace it, lean in and take full advantage.

What do our children learn if they see us consistently choose convenience over kavana, expediency over excellence, and comfort over community?

Contributing to attendance at Shul and by extension the quality of the davening is the very definition of being a good neighbor. The Shulchan Aruch (90:11) quotes the Gemara (Berachos 8a) that goes so far as to say that anybody who has a Shul in his city and doesn’t come to daven there is considered a shachein rah, a bad neighbor.

The Noda B’Yehudah (Tzlach drush 23) writes: “Whoever has a Shul available to daven in, but chooses to daven at home, is called a bad neighbor. Even if there is a quorum of ten people, it still cannot compare to tefillah in Shul. A Shul is a Mikdash and Hakadosh Baruch Hu resides there…The holiness there is similar to the kedusha of Eretz Yisrael. The prayers go up to Heaven…When one davens at home, he loses out on all these benefits.”

The Yerushalmi, commenting on the pasuk דרשו ה׳ בהמצאו, call out to Hashem when He is found, says Hashem is found in the Shul and that is where we should go when we want to speak with Him and want our tefillos most readily heard.

We need to ask ourselves – do we aspire to meet the Torah’s definition of a good neighbor or simply to do what comes most convenient? Is a closer location or shorter davening worth losing all the benefits of being part of the community of people davening in Shul, in Hashem’s home, where He Himself has told us He can be found?

And so, on behalf of our shul and shul attendees everywhere, here is my simple appeal:

Alternate.

If attending a local home minyan is more convenient, or gives your children opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise have, by all means attend. If it is helping you build friendships and grow a sense of a small community within the larger one, I am not asking you to stop altogether. But I am asking you to alternate where you daven and make it a priority to be among those who participate in davening at shul by coming every other week or every third week, certainly at least once a month.

Free yourself from the tyranny of convenience by also coming to shul regularly. Your davening in Shul will enhance the experience for all who attend. Your presence will strengthen the mother ship of the community. But it will also help bring out the best version of yourself as you put kavana ahead of convenience and do the more correct thing, even if it takes a little more effort or sacrifice on your part.

Like a good neighbor, please be there, at least every now and then.

LeBron James Doesn’t Deserve a Free Pass and Neither Do Those Who Are Giving It To Him

Image result for lebron james anti semitism LeBron James has a following on Instagram more populous than 203 countries. When nearly 46 million people sign up to read everything you have to say, you have a responsibility to be extra thoughtful, careful and mindful of what you post. LeBron is well aware of the platform he has, as he mentioned in his statement reacting to the events in Charlottesville, Virginia last year:

I know there’s a lot of tragic things happening in Charlottesville. I just want to speak on it right now. I have this platform and I’m somebody that has a voice of command, and the only way for us to get better as a society, and for us to get better as people, is love. And that’s the only way we’re going to be able to conquer something as one.

He continued by calling for us to take personal responsibility for how we speak and our attitudes towards one another:

It’s about us looking in the mirror. Kids all the way up to the adults. All of us looking in the mirror and saying, ‘What can we do better to help change?’’ And if we can all do that and give 110 percent and give both foots forward, then that’s all you can ask for. So, shout out to the innocent people in Charlottesville and shout out to everybody across the world that just want to be great and just want to love.

Fast forward to this week, when LeBron failed to meet the very standard he called for. Last Saturday, one of the most famous and recognizable athletes on the planet posted to Instagram the lyrics of a song by the performer 21 Savage: “We been getting that Jewish money. Everything is Kosher.”

Throughout our history, it is well-documented that oppression, persecution and attempted exterminations began with rhetoric and propaganda revolving around Jews and money. Invoking the trope connecting Jews to money is as hurtful to us as posting a lyric that contains a stereotype that would offend any other minority.

The author of the lyric tweeted to his 2.8 million followers what he thought was an apology, but in actuality was just a further insult:

The Jewish people I know are very wise with there [sic] money so that’s why I said we been gettin Jewish money I never thought anyone would take offense. I’m sorry if I offended everybody never my intention I love all people.

LeBron’s Instagram post attracted attention and criticism. He responded:

Apologies, for sure, if I offended anyone. That’s not why I chose to share that lyric. I always [post lyrics]. That’s what I do. I ride in my car, I listen to great music, and that was the byproduct of it. So, I actually thought it was a compliment, and obviously it wasn’t through the lens of a lot of people. My apologies. It definitely was not the intent, obviously, to hurt anybody.

LeBron’s apology is the perfect example of how not to say you are sorry. Rather than accept responsibility for making a mistake, he wrote the popular but ineffective if: “if I offended anyone.” Rather than take ownership, he offered an explanation. “I always post lyrics, that’s what I do.” Rather than admit it was poor judgment and an objective mistake, he said it was misunderstood “through the lens of a lot of people.” Apologies filled with rationalizations, explanations and deflections are not apologies.

In fact, even using the word apology is very different than saying sorry. The origin of the word “apology” is the Greek “apologia,” which means justification, explanation, or excuse. One who truly feels regret and feels bad for the hurt he caused others doesn’t offer an apology, but simply says the simple but effective words that are missing from LeBron’s apology – “I am sorry.”

The news media and sports world apparently have accepted the explanation LeBron offered and have given the superstar an unconscionable pass for a terrible insensitivity and for posting a hateful slur.

When another person with an enormous platform, President Trump, has made incendiary comments, he has correctly been called out and criticized. We must reject hateful comments, intentional or not, from the right or the left. But while many celebrities and public figures have lost their jobs for mistakes and missteps that were equally or even less egregious, not only did the NBA announce that LeBron wouldn’t be fined, the world moved on immediately, spending more time on his recent injury than how he has injured an entire people with his callousness and carelessness.

Am I overreacting about the impact (particularly in a down economy) of publicly associating Jews and money in a post to 46 million followers? Maybe if it were an isolated incident, but LeBron is not the only one promoting old stereotypes, even if only out of ignorance.

This week the New York Times picked up on a story that has been picking up steam for weeks regarding the Women’s March and how it has been roiled by accusations of Anti-Semitism. As it turns out, a movement that was supposedly formed to combat misogyny, bigotry, and racism counts among its leaders those who hold anti-Semitic views.

At the first meeting of a group of women who shared a passion for addressing these issues, Vanessa Wruble, a Brooklyn-based activist, told the group that her Jewish heritage inspired her to try to help repair the world. Instead of welcoming her, the conversation turned to how Jews need to confront their own role in racism.

The antagonists were Tamika Mallory, a black gun control activist, and Carmen Perez, a Latina criminal justice reform activist. Mallory, who is now co-president of the Women’s March organization, has called Louis Farrakhan, the leader of the Nation of Islam and unrepentant anti-Semite, “the GOAT,” or “greatest of all time,” on social media.

According to Evvie Harmon, who was at that initial meeting, Mallory and Perez began berating Wruble. What do you think they attacked her about? What else, Jews and money.

Harmon recounted the conversation: “They were talking about, ‘You people this,’ and ‘You people that’ and the kicker was, ‘You people hold all the wealth.’ I was like, ‘Oh my God, they are talking about her being Jewish.’ The greatest regret of my life was not standing up and saying ‘This is wrong.’”

We must not have that same regret. These anti-Semitic comments cannot go unanswered and nobody deserves a pass simply by offering an excuse. The ADL, which does so much important work in calling out and fighting anti-Semitism, was shockingly silent. It is sad enough that the media moved on, but where are Jewish organizations and groups expressing outrage and calling for more?

If LeBron is sincerely sorry, he shouldn’t move on, he should educate himself and then others about why that lyric is so hurtful, wrong and even dangerous and we should demand that of him. Moral people of conscience, no matter their politics, should hold the founders of the Women’s March accountable and refuse to participate in their activities until these individuals resign from their positions of leadership and the movement publicly repudiates and distances themselves from these views.

A concerned friend of mine sent me an email about LeBron’s post, writing, “Time to speak up, to yell, to protest, before it’s 1936 again!” Comparisons to 1936 are inaccurate and unhelpful. Describing these incidents or even the spike in anti-Semitism as a precursor of another Holocaust smacks of hysteria and causes the very people whose sympathy and help we want to tune out. Anyone who truly thought things were that bad would move to Israel immediately. If one is staying in America they clearly don’t believe it is 1936 Germany, so invoking the comparison lacks credibility.

Nevertheless, equally true is that anti-Semitism is not a relic of our past or something we are immune from, even in this blessed country. As we recite in the Hagaddah, b’chol dor va’dor, in every generation there are anti-Semites who rise up against us to eliminate us. Our generation is no exception and if wethink we are, we are only fooling ourselves. According to the FBI, Jews were the subject of 60% of religiously motivated hate crimes in 2017, despite being just 2% of the U.S. population. That is alarming and demands our attention and our efforts to reverse it.

Comments like LeBron’s, even if posted without malice, contribute to a stereotype and bias that historically have evolved into hatred, scapegoating and ultimately to pogroms, persecution and even the murder of 6 million of our brothers and sisters. The more casual anti-Semitism is ignored or swept under the rug, the more incrementally dangerous our country grows as a place for Jews to live comfortably.

Now is not time to panic or overstate the concern. But it is also time not to turn a blind eye or give anyone a pass, even a popular superstar.

8 Things You Can Do Now To Avoid Compounding Your Family’s Pain Later

Related image Death is a highly uncomfortable and awkward subject. As a result, most people do all they can to avoid the subject altogether. While we would prefer to see ourselves as living forever, the Torah instructs us that, in fact, reflecting on our mortality and being mindful of our transience are critical to living an inspired life and making the most of each day. Indeed, it is for this reason that Shlomo Ha’Melech, the wisest of all men, encouraged us to prefer spending time in a house of mourning to spending time in a house of celebration.

Overcoming the taboo and talking about death are not only important to inspire how we live life, but are actually acts of love and devotion to those whom we will ultimately leave behind. A few years ago, a woman in our community died suddenly. She was never married and had no children, but I remembered that she had a brother. I went to her home and rifled through paperwork in an effort to find his information so that I could inform him of the terrible news. It took a significant amount of time to make contact with him and even longer to ascertain what arrangements she had made.

We usually think about the chesed aspect of death as the loving, attentive care the living show the deceased. However, there is a great chesed the deceased can show the living. The more the deceased has planned, organized, and communicated his or her wishes, the less speculation, conflict, and compounded pain the bereaved will face at their time of loss and grief. Put simply, it is not only negligent, but also unkind, not to have one’s “matters in order,” irrespective of how young or healthy he or she may presently be, or how uncomfortable it may be to think about and prepare for death.

None of us would ever intentionally cause or contribute to the pain or anguish of our family members. Yet failing to prepare likely will lead to complicating and, more likely, compounding the pain of our loved ones when we are gone.

The National Association for Chevra Kadisha (NASCK) has dedicated this Shabbos, Parshas Vayechi, to generating awareness and educating the Jewish community about end-of-life decisions. Boca Raton Synagogue is proudly participating along with hundreds of Shuls in North America. In the spirit of promoting awareness, mindfulness, and preparation, please consider, for the sake of your family, arranging the following as soon as possible:

ICE – Upon arriving at the scene of an accident or emergency, paramedics are trained to look on the patient’s cell phone for an ICE – an In Case of Emergency entry that lists emergency contacts. Access to the right person and the right information can be the difference between life and death. Add an ICE entry to your cell phone phonebook immediately and consider downloading an ICE app that will allow access to your emergency contact(s) even when your phone is locked.

Life Insurance – Both Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igros Moshe Orach Chaim 2:111) and Rav Ovadiah Yosef (Yechaveh Daat 3:85) were asked if purchasing life insurance reflects a lack of faith and trust in Hashem. They responded that as long as one remembers that it is Hashem who empowered us with the wisdom to create life insurance and enabled us with this tool to protect our families, it is absolutely permitted and appropriate. They extend this endorsement to fire, theft, and car insurance as well. Nobody ever plans to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or to be the victim of a fatal accident. We cannot predict when our end will come, but we can plan so that the pain of our loss will not be compounded by financial instability, hardship and disaster.

Disability Insurance – Life insurance can help provide for one’s family members if one dies, but what would happen if he or she suffered a debilitating injury or an incapacitating illness precluding the ability to work and provide an income? Disability insurance is only a luxury if it is never needed. We pray it will never be a necessity, but we would be foolish not to have it in case.

Halachik Living Will & Health Care Proxy – A myriad of complicated questions can arise in medical treatment, particularly at the end of life. This legal document empowers the patient to determine in advance what choices he or she would prefer within halachikly permitted parameters and who is authorized to communicate those choices to medical professionals if the need arises. Moreover, rather than leaving wishes and desires ambiguous so that others are guessing and speculating, this document spells them out. Additionally, instead of conflict arising over how decisions are reached or which halachik authority should be consulted, the halachik living will documents the decision-making process and sequence. The document can name a specific rabbi (or rabbis) or refer the decision to an organization, such as the Bioethics Committee of the Rabbinical Council of America. This is not a document reserved for the old or infirm. Every adult should have one on record and it should be reviewed and updated every few years and as circumstances demand – and discussed with your spouse, children or relatives, so your wishes are clear.

Will – Don’t leave loved ones guessing or fighting over how you want your assets divided. You work hard for your money and it should be properly distributed among family, friends, and charities in a thoughtful, intentional and halachik manner. You can use your estate to leave not only a legacy for your family, but a legacy gift to the community, Shul or schools that impacted your family. If you still have minor children, identify who will be responsible for them and ask their permission to stipulate such in your will. If you want to designate a specific piece of jewelry, art or memento to a particular person, specify that in your will or other document.

Ethical Will – In this week’s parsha, Yaakov anticipates his demise and calls his family around his death bed in order to give them each blessings and charge them as a family. Throughout the millennia, prominent rabbis and leaders have recorded ethical wills communicating their values, vision, and passions to the next generation. Don’t just leave children and grandchildren financial assets. Leave them your vision for who they could become and the most important values you hope they will pursue.

Burial Arrangements – Where do you want to be buried, including Israel? Do you want a chapel service or a graveside service? Whom would you like to officiate? Does your family know that you want a shomer, tahara, and halachik burial and for them to sit a full shiva and say kaddish? Have you bought a plot and purchased a “pre-need” package with a funeral home which is significantly less expensive that needing to buy it “at need?” Record your burial wishes in detail, including important biographical information that you would hope to be included in your eulogy, such as the major influences in your life and people and milestones that you were most grateful for or proud of. Are there particular relatives or friends or other people whom you would like to be invited to speak at your funeral?

Organized File – Perhaps most importantly, gather all of the above documentation and place it in a clearly designated place (paper and/or electronic) that your loved ones are aware of and have access to. Include your doctors, rabbi, and attorney and their contact information, your bank accounts, cemetery deed, safety deposit box (and location of keys), insurance information, financial advisors and brokers, inventory of assets and real estate, etc., so that nobody will be left guessing and searching for important information when it is needed. If you are one of those pack rats who hides money and jewelry in books or crevices around the house, tell someone where to look, so they do not get discarded with your other belongings or wind up with the next occupant of your house or apartment.

You may be reading this thinking it is excellent advice for someone else, for the elderly or the sick and infirm. But being responsible and planning appropriately are for every adult, every married person and certainly for every parent or grandparent. Don’t only consider making all of these arrangements yourself, but plan to speak to your children and grandchildren about their making such arrangements for themselves as well. Such preparations and arrangements are not taught in school. They rely on you to provide guidance and support in these areas. Not only is communicating these ideas to your children and grandchildren the right thing to do, but it is also in your interest, for their failure to plan, will likely become your emergency.

May we all merit to live full and meaningful lives realizing great longevity. In the meantime, let’s show our loved ones how much we care by making the proper preparations now, so they won’t have to later.

Whether You Come to Talk to God, to Your Friends or to Both, Shul is a Place For You: A Measured Call Regarding Talking in Shul

There is an old joke about an atheist who goes to shul every Shabbos and sits next to his friend Ginsburg. One day, someone asks the atheist why he keeps coming to services if he doesn’t believe in God. He replies, “Ginsburg goes to shul to talk to God. I go to shul to talk to Ginsburg.”

The truth is there are many believers who come to shul to talk both to God and to their friends, most of whom they haven’t seen the entire week. This is understandable, and it is why most campaigns to stop the talking in shul either fail to launch or fail to succeed long term, even if they do have an impact for a short time.

So what can be done to improve this epidemic? Some wish for a massive crackdown, a zero-tolerance policy. Others cynically dismiss the issue altogether and react with great indignation to the suggestion that anyone has a right to call for them to stop talking or to institute policies towards that end. But, like most topics, the issue of talking in shul needs to be addressed with nuance and realism and at the same time with resolve and optimism.

The place we come to daven is called a בית כנסת, a hall to assemble and congregate. We draw energy from one another, we come to connect with one another and it is an unreasonable expectation that we would do so without exchanging a greeting or being drawn to engage in at least a brief conversation.

Halacha recognizes that when people see each other, even if one is in the middle of davening, a greeting is not only tolerable or acceptable, it is permissible. Though the Mishna Berura (66:3) is clear that we don’t follow this practice today, the Mishna in Berachos 13a states that when transitioning between paragraphs of Shema, one can not only interrupt and respond out of fear (for example, to respond to the greeting of a king who could sentence him to death should the greeting go unanswered), but one can even initiate a greeting out of respect. (The Rambam understands out of respect as referring to one’s parents, but Rashi understands adam nichbad more broadly.)

And so any effort to address the epidemic of excessive and disrupting talking in shul must begin with the recognition that people come to shul for many different reasons and that while most come to talk to God, they also show up to connect with their friends.

Moreover, a shul that encourages and promotes outreach and aspires to create a warm and welcoming atmosphere for newcomers and the uninitiated simply cannot have a zero-tolerance talking policy which will be perceived as cold, heartless and off-putting.

So what can be done? Do we simply accept that people will talk in shul and during davening as they have since davening was first instituted?

We cannot! There is too much at stake, too many things to daven for, too many people relying on us for our heartfelt prayers, too many children who are watching us and learning from us. I promise you, in your section, perhaps even in your row, is someone desperately davening for a child, someone struggling with a serious diagnosis, someone feeling lonely, someone whose marriage or finances are in crisis, someone struggling with anxiety or depression, or a family member of one of these individuals pouring their heart out to Hashem to intervene and intercede.

The saying goes, if you come to shul to talk, where do you go to daven? However, it could be emended to read, if you come to shul to talk, where should your friends and neighbors go to daven?

The Chasam Sofer (Derashos 2:309) writes that only Shuls that are homes of prayer, not conversation, will be rebuilt in Israel in the Messianic era. The Tzlach, R’ Yechezkel Landau writes, “There is no greater rebellion against the King of the world than to speak in His sanctuary, in His presence. Speaking during davening is like placing an idol in the Temple.”

The Chafetz Chaim (Mishna Berura 124:27) quotes the Kol Bo: “Woe to the people who speak during davening. We saw several Shuls destroyed because of this sin. There should be people appointed to work on this issue.”

We cannot and must not concede that talking is a given and that is why this Shabbos we are launching a campaign to minimize talking in davening. Following the advice of the Chafetz Chaim, a diverse committee under the leadership of its chair, Dr. Jonathan Winograd, has been working on a nuanced, measured campaign to identify segments of davening that we can collectively agree to make an effort not to disrupt with talking, while being open and tolerant that people may exchange greetings at other times.

We have identified two parts of davening in which we are appealing to refrain from talking altogether:

The Shulchan Aruch writes that one who talks during Chazaras HaShatz, the chazzan’s repetition of the Amidah, will suffer a consequence “too great to bear.” We can all commit not to talk from Borchu until the end of the chazzan’s repetition at Shacharis and from the beginning of the silent Amidah through the repetition at both Mussaf and Mincha.

Kaddish is among our holiest prayers. It can only be said in the presence of a minyan and is so significant that if given the choice between answering Kedusha or Kaddish, the Mishna Berura (56:6) says one should choose to answer Kaddish. The Talmud (Berachos 57a) teaches that one who replies “Yehei shmei rabbah…” can rest assured that he has a place in the Next World.

Not talking during these parts of davening is mandated by Jewish law. But, even for those who don’t connect to davening, don’t feel they are in the presence of the Almighty or don’t feel bound by these particular laws, not talking during these parts of davening is simply what any decent person would do.

Talking during these parts of davening is not only disrespectful to God, it is also unkind, insensitive, and cruel to those trying to offer heartfelt and focused prayers. It is a gross violation of bein adom l’chaveiro. If you wouldn’t talk during a show, the opera or a movie, no matter how bored or distracted you might be, how could you entertain talking when people around you are in the middle of a conversation with Hashem, even if you are done? It is hard enough to connect with our prayers, to concentrate on the words and to feel we have experienced an intimate rendezvous with our Creator in the best of circumstances. To do it while people in our vicinity are chatting away is nearly impossible.

Not talking until the conclusion of Chazaras HaShatz, including the time between when we finish our silent Amidah and we are waiting for the chazzan, is doable, it is realistic, it is a fair expectation of those attending and it is the minimum to be respectful of our friends and neighbors.

When mourners recite Kaddish, they are paying tribute to their lost loved one. When others around them are talking, it is not only rude and unkind, it is an affront to the memory of their family member. We can and must all make an effort to listen quietly and answer enthusiastically when Kaddish is being recited.

To help us be mindful of these efforts, we have produced bookmarks that will be on each seat and will be placed in our siddurim going forward. When Kaddish is being recited, volunteers around the minyan will be holding up signs reminding us that if we wouldn’t talk during someone’s backswing or during a tennis point, we must not talk when our friend is honoring their loved one and affirming their love of Hashem.

Two and a half hours in a room full of friends is a very long time to refrain from talking. Sometimes we see someone and we have a message to deliver, something important to share, maybe even some love or support to offer. We invite anyone who is driven to talk, to step into the lobby, socialize and shmooze. One who steps out to have a conversation shouldn’t be judged, they should be admired.

But someone who engages in conversation when their neighbor is communing with Hashem or talks while our community’s mourners are saying Kaddish in memory of their loved ones, deserves judgment, not for their lack of religious commitment, but for their lack of caring for his or her fellow community member.

The bottom line is this – our community needs your help. Please join the movement and commit to not talk minimally during these points of davening. In that merit, may all our prayers be answered for good and may we merit only Hashem’s greatest blessings.

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