PHOTO: RONEN ZVULUN/PRESS POOL

Dr. John Gottman has spent his career studying healthy marriages and has scientifically identified the behaviors that contribute to dysfunctional ones. He can spend a short time with a couple and predict with over 90% accuracy if they will still be married in five years from that point.

Gottman found that the single biggest determinant to a happy and healthy marriage is the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another. A different study examined factors that made the greatest difference between the most and least successful business leadership teams. The optimal ratio was amazingly similar in both studies—five positive comments for every negative one. For those who ended up divorced (or for unsuccessful business teams), the ratio was 0.77 to 1—or something like three positive comments for every four negative ones.

If we want relationships to not only survive but to thrive, we must make a concerted effort to express compliments in a 5 to 1 ratio over criticisms.  This magic formula is critical not only for marriage or business but for any relationship we are invested in and we want to feel connected to. Parents must be mindful of the ratio in interacting with children and educators should be thoughtful of this proportion when communicating with students.

Recently, I have been thinking of one other relationship in which this ratio is critical: our relationship with the State of Israel.

The new Israeli government, one that has frequently been described as the most right-wing in Israel’s short history, has attracted significant attention and garnered strong criticism.  Some have expressed outrage at the election and appointment of several ministers. Others express concerns about proposed legislation regarding judicial reforms, arguing they risk compromising and undermining the foundation of Israel’s very democracy. Still others have strong feelings over the ministerial appointment of Aryeh Deri and the subsequent Supreme Court decision to invalidate it.

Sadly, and unfortunately, both opponents and defenders of the current coalition and its proposed legislation have too often oversimplified the issues, eliminated nuance, subtlety, and legal analysis and have resorted to sound bites that serve a political agenda.  These issues and topics are complicated, and deserve analysis and study before arriving at or expressing an opinion; yet, as is often the case, predictably, most will choose to take an uninformed position that conforms to political affiliation and loyalty regardless of the actual complexities of the issues. 

Several American Jewish organizations have weighed in and publicly offered their criticism, expressed their outrage, or prophesized their doom and gloom for Israel’s future.  Locally, a prominent Jewish organization was weighing adding its voice to the chorus of those publicly proffering criticism and concern with a statement and communication to its constituents.  I think that is a tragic and potentially destructive mistake.

Certainly, Israel is not beyond reproach or criticism from either direction.  Some thought the last coalition that included Mansour Abbas of Ra’am, an Islamic Party, was the time to express public concern while others feel the current coalition that includes far-right ministers Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben-Gvir is worthy of protest and opposition.  Some felt the Gaza withdrawal was worthy of public statements in resistance, while others expressed concern about expansion in Judea and Samaria.

Our words matter and we must be extremely judicious in deciding how to use them.  Rav Aharon Soloveitchik, zt”l, writes in his book Logic of the Heart, Logic of the Mind, “Upon delivery from the Egyptian bondage, the Israelites regained their self-expression. As long as they were subjected to Egyptian bondage, their self-expression was stifled and suppressed. But at the moment of Exodus, the Israelites regained their speech. Slaves cannot express or assert themselves properly. They cannot realize their potential. Only the free man is capable of doing so.”

The Arizal saw the connection between speech and freedom in the very name of the holiday.  Pesach, he explained, comes from “Peh – sach” – “a mouth converses.”  Part of affirming our freedom is affirming the awesome responsibility that comes with freedom of speech.

Criticism is, of course, at times warranted, but I wonder about the wisdom of Jewish organizations in the Diaspora expressing it on either side through public statements and proclamations. Will statements influence policy and politics in Israel in a meaningful way or do they just contribute to sowing division and discord while satisfying a certain segment of a base of constituents?  Is the goal to simply level a protest for posterity?  What is the risk or unintended consequence of criticizing Israel publicly in America, no matter how warranted or deserved it may be? 

A 2021 Pew Study found that only 60% of U.S. Jews say they are either very emotionally attached or somewhat emotionally attached to the modern state of Israel.  Will non-nuanced and oversimplified public criticisms from both sides bring diaspora Jews closer or further to Israel?  Will it garner more or less support for Israel from the general American public and from American elected officials? 

To be clear, what is at stake is not Israel’s connection to diaspora Jews, but diaspora Jews’ connection to Israel. If that is severed, Israel will survive, but Jews with tenuous identity may not. The leaders of diaspora organizations should think carefully about what best serves the interests of their constituency and what promotes a healthy long-term relationship in which criticism will be relevant and important but cannot be the central or most common expression.

One can violate the 5:1 ratio, criticize more freely and frequently, but they will be an outside critic, not someone nurturing a relationship. If we want to promote and strengthen our and others’ relationship with Israel, it behooves us to hold ourselves to Gottman’s standard and work hard to release at least five statements of support and compliments for every time we feel it is necessary to criticize. 

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, those who for now live outside of Israel are more in love with Israel than ever, longing for a time we can visit freely and easily.  Physical distance won’t weaken our love, commitment and concern for our holy land and our brothers and sisters who live there. 

While in many ways, Israel is safer and more prosperous than ever, dangers and threats persist.  Hezbollah threatens from the North, Hamas instigates from the south, and the nation of Iran’s official spokesman declared in November, “We will not back off from the annihilation of Israel, even one millimeter. We want to destroy Zionism in the world.”

As independent and powerful as Israel has become, she still relies on enormous support from the United States.  That includes material, measurable support like the $1 billion of military aid above the $3.8 billion annual commitment, approved by U.S. House of Representatives this fall.  Additionally, and arguably more importantly, the diplomatic support America provides at the UN and throughout the Middle East is indispensable.

Where does the support for Israel come from in the United States?  There are shifting attitudes toward Israel among Democrats, but even among Republicans, the support is far from a given. A University of Maryland Critical Issues Poll has recently shown that evangelical attitudes toward Israel account for most of the Republican Party’s support for Israel; without evangelicals, Republican attitudes on Israel do not substantially deviate from the rest of America. If public opinion continues to shift, the support from our elected officials could easily disappear with real policy implications that impact Israel’s security.

This data led former Israel Ambassador to the US, Ron Dermer to say last year that Israel should spend more of its energy reaching out to “passionate” American evangelicals than to Jews, who are “disproportionately among our critics.” A recent frightening survey found that younger evangelicals are much less supportive of Israel than older evangelicals, by a widening margin. The poll found a dramatic shift in attitudes between 2018 and 2021: support for Israel among young evangelicals dropped from 75% to 34%. 

To summarize, US support for Israel, which is critically important for Israel’s safety and well-being, is increasingly dependent on evangelicals, whose younger members are becoming less and less likely to support Israel.  So while in some measures, the US-Israel relationship is thank God strong, just beneath the surface lie reasons to be very concerned and, more importantly, to act. We must bolster support for Israel among Jews and non-Jews alike.

On January 11, Boca Raton Synagogue will be hosting a “Night to Celebrate Israel” with keynote speaker Ambassador David Friedman.  The evening will also feature political commentator and media personality Ben Shapiro, a staunch and passionate advocate for Israel.  It will be introduced with virtual greetings by Governor Ron Desantis, Senator Rick Scott, and Rabbi Yitzchak Adlerstein of the Wiesenthal Center.  Short remarks will be shared by Former Deputy Special Envoy Ellie Cohanim and by myself and Pastor Mario Bramnick.

The event is co-sponsored by the Simon Wiesenthal Center and by the Latino Coalition for Israel, the largest pro-Israel Hispanic organization in the world. LCI is led by Pastor Bramnick, who consistently stands up for Israel and publicly fights antisemitism.  He and LCI have partnered in hosting events with Jewish Federation, AIPAC and FIDF. For his work, he received the Outstanding Achievement Award from the Consulate General of Israel to Florida.

Some may wonder, should we accept financial support and advocacy from non-Jewish or evangelical sources?  When Rabbi Berel Wein was asked this question, he replied: “I do not see a moral problem in Jews accepting monies from Christian organizations for humanitarian purposes as long as there are no missionary purposes and conditions attached to the donation.”  Last year, with the approval of the Sanz-Klausenburg Rebbe, Laniado Hospital in Netanya accepted a large donation from the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews. Rav Hershel Schachter gave our event, which is exclusively focused on Israel, his blessing.

We are expecting a large turnout of non-Jewish guests. I urge you to be there. The event is free of charge and open to all.  If we expect those who aren’t Jewish and for whom Israel is not their homeland to continue to fight and stand up, we must show our own commitment to Israel and our willingness to use our voice to combat antisemitism. 

Please join us on Tuesday, January 11th at 7:00 at Boca Raton Synagogue. 

You can RSVP or sign up for the VIP reception at www.brsonline.org/israel

Every few years, someone claims to have seen a UFO and the suspicion of life on other planets is raised, only to disappear as quickly as it came about.  This time, however, seems different. It isn’t just golfer Bryson DeChambeau, basketball star Shaquille O’Neal, and quarterback Baker Mayfield who claim to have recently seen UFOs. Sightings have soared during the pandemic.  Indeed, instead of just the usual attributions to conspiracy theory, a unit of the Pentagon has been established to investigate sightings, and UFOs are the subject of a Congressional inquiry whose report is due in the next few weeks.  

Even former President Barack Obama said in an interview this week, “What is true, and I’m actually being serious here, is that there are, there’s footage and records of objects in the skies, that we don’t know exactly what they are. We can’t explain how they moved, their trajectory. They did not have an easily explainable pattern. And so, you know, I think that people still take seriously trying to investigate and figure out what that is.”

The upcoming report from Congress likely won’t conclusively settle the question of the existence of UFOs, but is Judaism even open to the possibility?  In his Sefer Ha’Ikarim, R’ Yosef Albo (1380-1444) rejects the concept of life on other planets. R’ Pinchas Horowitz (1765-1861), in his Sefer Ha’Bris, says that R’ Yosef Albo is wrong; but while he believes there is life on other planets, they do not have free will in the sense of human beings.

Rav Chasdai Crescas of Spain (1340-1411) writes that nothing in the Torah negates the possibility of believing in extraterrestrial life. He quotes the words of Tehillim (19:2): הַשָּׁמַ֗יִם מְֽסַפְּרִ֥ים כְּבֽוֹד־קל וּֽמַעֲשֵׂ֥ה יָ֝דָ֗יו מַגִּ֥יד הָרָקִֽיעַ׃, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the sky proclaims His handiwork,” as potential evidence that praise of Hashem can come from inhabitants of the heavens.  He has an entire chapter in his work, Ohr Hashem, on the possibility of life on other planets. 

Rabb Aryeh Kaplan argues that the basic premise of the existence of extraterrestrial life is strongly supported by the Zohar. He writes, “The Midrash teaches us that there are seven earths. Although the Ibn Ezra tries to argue that these refer to the seven continents, the Zohar clearly states that the seven are separated by a firmament and are inhabited. Although they are not inhabited by man, they are the domain of intelligent creatures.”

Rav Soloveitchik (“The Rav Thinking Aloud,” p. 93) was asked about alien life and said: “It is possible that Hashem created other life forms on other planets. It is no problem to yahadus. The reason man likes to think he is the only created being in the entire universe is because of his egotistical nature. Even the concept of am ha’nivchar, chosen nation, may only be relative to our world, our small section of the universe. The Torah is written from the viewpoint of our sun, moon, and stars. It would not detract from our being the am ha’nivchar of this region of space if there were other am ha’nivchar in a distant galaxy.”

Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky, on the other hand, is reported as having said that there may or may not be living creatures in outer space but there cannot be human like creatures with bechira, free will.  The Torah was given only to the Jewish people on planet Earth, and Hashem would not have created creatures with bechira, but without a Torah to guide them.

Shortly after the first moon landing, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, argued similarly. While acknowledging that there is support in Torah for the notion that life exists on other planets, he argued that life could not be intelligent or similar to human life. If they were, they would need Torah to guide them.  They couldn’t have the same Torah, since it was only revealed on Earth.  They couldn’t have a different Torah, since there is only one truth.  Therefore, while there might well be life elsewhere, it is not intelligent life similar to humans.

So, do UFOs and extraterrestrial life exist?  Maybe. But while we may be curious, how much of a difference would it really make to our lives? 

On the other hand, there are a group of people who live with us here on Earth, yet it feels like we are living on different planets. And there is something we can and must do about it.

While over the last two weeks 4,000 rockets have rained down on innocent Israeli civilians, If Not Now, a group that describes itself as “a movement of Jews to end the Israeli occupation and transform our community,” tweeted this: “We can show the world that Jews don’t need Israel in order to keep us safe. We’re creating thriving, flourishing, safe Jewish lives here in the diaspora by building strong communities and working in solidarity with other marginalized people against white supremacy.”

Reacting to a group of Jews being attacked in L.A., popular comedian Sarah Silverman posted, “Jews in the diaspora need allies. WE ARE NOT ISRAEL. And we…aren’t the Israeli government.”

Perhaps most disturbing is a public letter signed by dozens of American rabbinical students accusing Israel of apartheid and calling on American Jewish communities to hold Israel accountable for the “violent suppression of human rights.”

Inexplicably, the letter does not mention Hamas or Israeli civilians. Frankie Sandmel, a rabbinical student at Hebrew College and one of the authors of the letter, explained: “I can’t speak for the group. For myself, as an American Jew who has never lived in Gaza or the West Bank, I don’t feel like I have ground to stand on to try to influence how Palestinians respond to oppression. I do have the ability to speak to the American Jewish community that I am hoping to lead, to look at the ways that we vote and the ways that we give tzedakah and the ways that we educate our communities.”

Am I really living on the same planet as those who signed this letter? Are we looking at the same reality? Do we come from the same history and do we really share the same destiny?  How can we expect non-Jews to stand with the Jewish State while a growing number of our own people are expressing sympathy and support to the perpetrators of evil, rather than the millions of innocent victims being terrorized?  When it comes to these philosophies, there is no speculation or inquiry necessary.  These attitudes are alien and foreign and have no place on our planet or in our universe. 

Our brothers and sisters in Israel are facing a harsh battle, running in and out of bomb shelters and executing missions to eliminate terrorists.  But the battle doesn’t end on Israel’s borders; it is continuing online as well as offline right here in America where elected members of Congress are condemning Israel and calling for cutting off funding and support. 

This is no time for silence, indifference or inaction.  For a year and a half our Israel activism was suspended as we, Israel and the world focused on a common enemy, Corona.  It is time to re-activate, to set the record straight, to speak truth to power, to demand of elected leaders that they have a strong moral voice, to stand with justice and to give our greatest ally in the Middle East more than lukewarm support or a tepid statement that Israel has a right to defend themselves.

While UFOs and extraterrestrials are uncertain, let us stand up and leave no doubt that there is strong pro-Israel life here on Earth.