Transcript
Okay good morning boker tov welcome back to Living with emuna. Our series is very generously sponsored by Doctors Avi and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Galbut whose yahrtzeit, third yahrtzeit is tomorrow night and Friday the eighth of Av. Continue to think about him and learn from him. He was an incredible example of living with emuna and it's appropriate we're so grateful to the Morgans for sponsoring in his memory. Also in memory of Bella's mother, Dr. Ellen Schanz. This morning's shiur is sponsored by Sarah Margolis in memory of her father Meir Feigen whose yahrtzeit is the fourth of Av. Very very grateful to Sarah for that. Thank you so very much. Just a housekeeping note, we will be off for the next few weeks so please pay attention to when we will resume. You will know based on the email or the shul weekly or if you're in the WhatsApp group that announces the shiur and what room it's in and we'll let you know when we resume. You could catch up on previous ones that you've missed. I think we're at I don't know how many but many. So you can review or chazar or take time off and live without emuna for a few weeks. Just joking, chas v'shalom, God forbid, a Jew could never live without emuna. Not for one day, not for one moment. We couldn't get through one day at all. So we are in this text, B'yam Darkecha, Rav Itamar Morgenstern, not the sefer we had been learning. Baruch Hashem, the tzaddik's Torah has really been proliferating more and more of his books being published on a regular basis. And this, you may wonder why, is his B'yam Darkecha on Pesach Sefiras Ha'omer and Lag Ba'omer. Why are we learning that on erev Tisha B'av? Because a chapter that he has on here I think is very relevant to the time of year in which we find ourselves and to a mindset in which many find themselves. But before we dive back into where we left off, I just want to thank. The other day I had a frustrating day, a frustrating meeting and somebody who listens and participates in our shiur, I think she may be watching right now with her daughter, sent me an email, she was at that meeting and she basically said don't sweat it and then she reminded me, "Rabbi, turn the page, new page. Turn the page, fresh start, Modeh Ani". So I'm very grateful to her for her positivity and her positive feedback and for reminding me that you got to practice what you preach. It's easy to talk, it's a lot harder to do and Baruch Hashem that's why it's a support group and we do it together. I happen to be on this side of the camera sitting up here, but really we're all in it together and I think when it comes to all of Yiddishkeit, all of Torah and Mitzvos, all of meaningful living, but emuna in particular, it takes a group effort. It takes reinforcing and supporting one another, it takes reminding one another because it's so easy to forget. It's so easy to go back into the mode of thinking we're in charge or we're in control or getting frustrated or disappointed. It's so easy to slip into that negative place. So to know that we have a spotter. You know, you go work out in the gym, working out the neshama is no different and here of course I'm not speaking from personal experience but I understand that when you work out at the gym, if you lift weights often you need a spotter. You need that person to make sure you're not going to get crushed by the weight of the level that you're trying to lift. You want to make sure that you're doing it correctly, that you're not going to injure yourself. You want to make sure that you remember to lift and you don't fall asleep while lying on the bench press... bench press bench. So you need a spotter. You need a buddy in the gym who's going to help you. The spiritual gym of life, you need a spotter, you need a partner to make sure we don't get crushed by our ambition, try to lift more than we can, than we have the strength to lift. Want to make sure we don't fall asleep on the spiritual bench press bench of life. Want to make sure that we have people around us. So big gratitude to that person. I thank her for always her positivity, in particular that reminder and our notebooks are at the printer and please God will be here soon. Our Modeh Ani turn the page, thank Hashem for a new day notebooks will please God be here soon. Okay so back in where we left off. ביים דרכיך מאמר ו, we're learning about Darchei Avoda B'katnus. We already read the introduction just to reminder in case you weren't here. We gave it four different names but really all describing the same phenomenon which is at times we're on fire with emuna. At times we feel connected and close and plugged in, high speed connection with Hashem, davening flows, we can't wait for the next opportunity to talk to him. Emuna, ah, he's all around us. Other times we feel disconnected. Where is he? Why is this happening? Is he even listening? What's going on in my life? So this is called achor v'kedem, our back and our front, his back and front, panim v'achor. It's called also ratzo v'shov going forward and backwards, the ups and downs of life. It's called gadlus v'katnus, expansion and reduction. It's called all these different names. All these different names reflect the same phenomenon of that feeling. And the first thing we did, what we covered last week, was simply validating that that's okay and that's normal. We spoke about Avraham Shor's metaphor of a person's EKG. You just want to be a flatline, you say I just want to be steady eddy, I just want menuchas hanefesh, I just want to be able to feel serenity and tranquility. I just want to plug into Hashem and just stay there with no static and no interruption and no noise. But an EKG is flat, what does it mean? You're dead. If you're alive, an EKG by definition is ups and downs. And our neshama, our spirit, and our emuna, and our bitachon, and our connection to Hashem, if you flatlined, you're dead. If you're really alive, it means there's ups and downs. It's built into the briya, that's part of the definition of creation. And the way that we know that, says the Rebbe Shmaya, is the Chayos Hakodesh, the Ofanim, the Malachim, the very angels and celestial beings who don't struggle and are born without challenge and to a degree have a sense of perfection, they also have this notion of the back and forth, the up and down. It means it's built into the briya. We mentioned you see that in every form of the briya, every part of life, the vegetative world too. Look at a field and look at plants and vegetation. You plant and it blossoms and it grows, but then there's a period in which it dies and it lays fallow, and that's necessary for the cycle of the field. And our life operates in a cycle much like that field. There are times that we blossom and we grow and we're sprouting and we're everywhere and it's lush pastures and it's covered in different colors. And there are times that it is empty and barren and fallow and dead and seems to be dried out. That cycle of the field is our cycle in life. Ratzo v'shov, panim v'achor, it's all the same. Gadlus and katnus, it's all the same. But why? Why did Hashem create the world in that way? And why are we in that place right now, these three weeks, these nine days, Tisha B'Av? Could you get more empty and barren? Could you have a further sense, a greater sense of katnus than the fact that this Motzei Shabbos we're going to be sitting on the floor, crying and grieving over the calamities of history? Not only the collective national ones, but the individual personal ones, which also all stem from Churban Beis Hamikdash, from Siluk Hashchina, the fact that Hashem's divine presence is not felt, His divine protection is not immediately over us. The result of that are the tragedies that we suffer and that we see. We're going to sit on the floor reflecting on our katnus. We're going to sit on the floor reflecting on our unworthiness, how small we are, how inconsequential we are. We're going to bemoan and we're going to grieve. I'll give you a little preview, I say it every year at Kinnos. You might say, how do I tap into and connect to a loss 2,000 years ago? You know, someone says to you, today's the yahrtzeit of your great-great-great-great-grandmother. Cry. You say, cry? What's her name again? Cry? Tell me something about her. Is anyone named after her that I know? I don't know anything about her. Do we have a picture? Did she paint anything? Do we have a diary? Give me something. It's very hard to mourn and grieve and cry over something you didn't know, someone you didn't know. None of us, none of us were alive for the Beis Hamikdash, none of us knew what it was, none of us feel it missing. So how do you cry? So every year I suggest that part of our tears, part of the drive or the motivation of our tears, part of what we're sitting shiva, what we're feeling and grieving a loss of, is ourselves. Tisha B'Av we look at that last year and we say, wow, how much time did I waste? How much energy did I waste? How many resources did I waste? The Gra's famous insight on din v'cheshbon. The Gra says, you know we say לפני מי אתה עתיד ליתן דין וחשבון. The mishna in Avos tells us that we should always be acutely aware before whom we are going to have to give a din v'cheshbon. Din means judgment. Cheshbon means an accounting. What's the difference between judgment and an accounting? You owe the IRS, you're accounting, and if you didn't do it or didn't do it correctly, you'll be a judgment. But they're the same thing. You're judged for the accounting. What's the difference between a judgment and an accounting? The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, has a magnificent insight. He says, you know what the difference is? One is where you went wrong. The other, what you could have done right. Every time we did something wrong, there was a moment, there was an opportunity, there was energy that was used that could have been something right. Every time we spoke and we said lashon hara, we could have been offering a compliment. Every time we spoke and we offered a criticism, we could have been making a shidduch. We could have been offering a tefillah. We could have been lifting someone's spirits. So therefore there's a dual guilt with each mistake we made. What we did wrong, which we'll be judged for, but also an accounting of what we could have been doing right in that same time period. So in Elul we're going to focus, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur is gadlus ha'adam. Yom Kippur and Tisha B'Av are two sides of the same coin. Yom Kippur is we wear white, we're angelic, who needs food? Who needs leather shoes? Who needs physical pleasure? We're angels for a day walking on earth, מעט ותחסרהו מעט מאלוקים David Hamelech in Tehillim says, just a little bit below angels, we're a little bit below God. We're angelic on Yom Kippur. For 25 hours we live as if we are not grounded here on earth, but we live like we are in the heavens, like we're angels. The greatness, possibility, potential, we live the best of who we could be. But Tisha B'Av's the opposite. Sit on the ground, you lowly worthless oisvarf reject, look at how low you've fallen. You're not a little less than God מעט ותחסרהו מעט מאלוקים, you're barely a little above an animal, an ant, an iguana, a lizard. So sit among them, sit on the floor with the lizards and the iguanas because that's all you are, that's all we'll be is worm food one day. Look at how much time we waste, look at the yetzer hara we give in to, look at how we can't stop fighting and judging and marginalizing and criticizing one another which is the root of it all and why we're not yet in a Beis Hamikdash. So this is a time of the year where we're feeling our katnus, the katnus. Feel very small, we feel very small. Now even a Yid can't do that for very long. So by chatzos already we stand up and we sit in a chair. Even a Jew can't sit on the floor the shiflus ha'adam that lowliness, we gotta get back to our gadlus, we gotta get back to our greatness and our potential and who we could be. So a Jew doesn't sit on the floor for very long. Just half a day. By chatzos already get up, sit in a chair, we're on our way back. We're on our way back, storming back with Tu B'Av, one of the happiest days on our calendar and rolling right into Elul with gadlus ha'adam the greatness of who we could be. But that's exactly this rhythm, this pattern, is that sometimes in order to get to the place of gadlus, you gotta pass through katnus. Sometimes in order to be ratza, you gotta be shov. Sometimes in order to see kedem you gotta go achor. Sometimes in order to break out with the best of who we could be, to see our potential and our greatness, you gotta hit that rock bottom. You gotta feel that humility, modesty, and lowliness. You gotta be able to find God even when things are going wrong, not only when they're going, not only when they're going right. So why? Why did He create the world like that? Why are there the ups and downs? Why can't we flatline even while we're alive? Why does being alive have to mean ups and downs? You get whiplash, spiritual and emotional whiplash of life, these ups and downs. We have these tkufas I'm in and I'm out, I'm connected, I'm disconnected. And if we're honest hopefully they're regulated. You don't want, I don't know how to read an EKG, but in the stock market, you don't want enormous swings up and down. You want them to be moderated, small, ups and down, and you want them to always trend up. So little ups and down, but trending up. And if we're honest with ourselves that's the truth of all of our relationships in life, if we're honest. There are moments where our children are the apple of our eye, they can do no wrong, they're the cutest and sweetest and their shortcomings are adorable idiosyncrasies and we have all the patience and we're just so grateful that they're here, we just want to hug them and smother them with kisses and tolerate everything that and there are other times that not so much. We'll just leave it at that. Not so much and you have to remember oh yeah I'm supposed to love them, they're my children, I have to see the best in them, I have to believe in them. And there are times even in marriage, there's ratza v'shov in marriage, there's katnus and gadlus. There's moments where you just you're resentful that there's no better word than love for how you feel, it just doesn't capture it. I just feel so connected and intertwined and hayu l'vasar echad and we're two halves becoming a whole and we're so ah and there are other moments that are we're going to work this through, but right now I don't feel so connected. Ratza v'shov it's the nature of every relationship. But why? Why? אמר בשורש הענין we're on page kuf samech aleph, 161 in Biyam Derechecha on Pesach. What? Yes, on Pesach, page 161. ברוך אתה ה' אלהינו מלך העולם שהכל נהיה בדברו. Amen. Thank you Nancy. אמר בשורש הענין וכי עצם מציאות הנברא מחייב שיהיו בו שני המצבים. The reality is being a member of creation, being a part of the nivra party. What is a nivra? Created among those who are created. A borei, what's a borei? A creator. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the borei, the Almighty is the creator. We are the nivra, we are the created. Being created means that you're living two matzavim two circumstances simultaneously. כי אם נתבונן בנבראים נראה שמצד אחד הנברא הוא מציאות לעצמו. On the one hand when you are created, you are an existence on your own. Thank you, shkoach for bringing me into being. But now that I'm here, I'm me. Now that I'm here, I'm independent. Now that I'm here, I have a personality and I have a reality. וזה מסתיר את השם יתברך. But that is a contradiction and a conflict with God. כי נראה כשהנברא נפרד מהבורא כביכול. Because when we live here in the world, when we live here on earth, and we present and we perceive this illusion that we are independent creations but now operating on our own, that as if places a distance between us and Hashem, as if he didn't create us, as if he doesn't as if he doesn't have to still will our being. Kiviyachol it makes us look like we are nifrad mehaborei. Thank you, shkoach, you got me started, but now that I'm here, I got it. I got it from here. I'll take it from here, God. You go back to whatever you were doing, go take care of other people, go create another world, you go focus on other things. You brought me into this world, I got it. Now I've got it. ומצד שני דווקא על ידי הנברא, but on the other hand, specifically because we're a member of creation, אנו מבינים ומכירים שיש בורא. Realize, wow, where'd I come from? How'd I come to be? Why is it I woke up this morning and I'm alive? How is there breath breath in my lungs and blood flowing through my veins? There's a borei. There's a creator. There's someone, something so much bigger than myself who's running this world, who wills my existence. כי אנו מבינים שחייב להיות לנברא מקור שממנו הוא נברא. Because if you're created, then by definition there is a creator. That's one of the arguments for the existence of God. We've spoken about it in the past, I think towards the beginning of Living with Emunah. I gave you everything I had from my introduction to philosophy class in college. Saint Thomas Aquinas's evidence of God's existence and the first cause evidence of God's existence. Do we really need evidence? Is there overwhelming evidence? We analyzed all of that early on. You can review over the next few weeks. But one of the arguments for God's existence is that if there is created, there is a creator. The third law of thermodynamics, that order turns to disorder. So whenever you see disorder turn to order, what does it mean? Meaning the natural law of thermodynamics is that order turns to disorder. There is decay, there's death. This coffee will get cold because the water molecules will spread out and the heat will diminish. Order goes to disorder. That's why things rot and they spoil. That's why people age and die. Order goes to disorder. That's the natural order. So what happens when you see the opposite? When you see disorder go to order? What do you know? When you see materials turn into a house, you see paints on a canvas turn into a painting, you see ink on a page turn into words and sentences and a book. When you see a block of marble turns into a sculpture, what does it mean? There was a creator. Someone did it. It didn't happen on its own because it doesn't happen on its own. Left alone, order goes to disorder. Left alone, it would go in the opposite direction. So whenever you see disorder turn to order, you know there's a God. This is the most simplistic argument for God's existence, also probably the most compelling. Because if you sit in this room and I'd say to you, you see this book, this paper? Hi, you're not going to believe it. I had a bottle of ink and there was a blank paper and I knocked it over and look, words! You'd say, come on, what are the chances? What are you talking about? Impossible. You see this building we're sitting in, this room we're in? You won't believe it. There was a pile of delivery that came from Home Depot, from Lowe's, and there was a hurricane and it whipped everything together and now we're in this. Isn't it amazing? You'd say impossible, never happened. It's the watchmaker argument also. You see the watch with all the dials and all the everything that goes into the watch? Just came to be. You'd say impossible. I say, oh, you see this human being? A factory, takes in food, eliminates food, holds the nutrients, has the capacity for reproduction, has a brain, thought, mindfulness. You see it? Just came to be. Yeah, that's possible. I believe that. That's where you draw the line? The human being is the most complex creation, much more than a piece of paper with words or a building or a sculpture or a painting. But the human being we're able to say, yeah, it's just chance, there was a big bang. There's a creator. If you see created, there's a creator. So therefore, we live our lives knowing both of these truths simultaneously. On the one hand, as a member of the nivra, as a member of creation, I feel okay, I'm created, good, shayn. But now I'm on my own. Now I'm independent. Now I've got it from here. Now thank you God, I've moved on. But simultaneously I realize, I'm mindful of. And who's still involved in my life, who's my makor, who's the source of my life? ומוכרח שיש למישהו שמחיה אותו כל רגע. And just like he originally created me then, he continues to will me now. Because what's the reason? What determines? If I get hit by a car, die in my sleep, have a massive heart attack and drop dead, why are we here? Not everybody is. And what merit? Who determines? Who decides? It's only the goodness and the graciousness of God that we woke up this morning. He says in the footnote: כי אין לנברא מציאות מכח עצמו כי קודם בריאתו הוא לא היה קיים. We know that we don't have existence that is on our own, how do you know that? Because before God's kindness to create you, you didn't exist. So there's no part of your existence that you could claim is really entirely independent, this is deep stuff. Hope you had your cup of coffee. There's no part of existence that we can claim is really fully independent, why? Because before we were created we didn't exist, so clearly we depend on and rely on entirely Him, and he wills us to continue to be here. I've told you before the mashal of the Baal HaTanya. The Baal HaTanya says, everybody close your eyes for a moment, and I want you to picture a red Ferrari, Lamborghini, whatever sports car of your choice. You see it? You see the hood, you see the rearview mirrors, you see the logo on the cover on the front, you see the trunk, some of you can't close your eyes, too scared what you might see. You see it? Bright red, beautiful? Nobody's lying on top of it, it's just a blank car. You see the car? Good. Now open your eyes and now start thinking about the cup of coffee, the taste, the color. Are you still, does the car still exist? No. The car is in your imagination. When does it exist? When you imagine it. The moment you stop imagining it, it doesn't exist. The Baal HaTanya doesn't talk about a red sports car, but he does say that we are the imagination of Hashem. This entire world is a matrix, it's an illusion. We think it exists, but it is simply the will, the imagination of Hashem. When he continues to imagine us, we are here. If he would cease or stop to imagine us, we would disappear. Which means at every moment of existence we only exist because he continues to will our existence. If he get distracted, of course he can't, he's the omnipotent, almighty, infinite Melech Malchei HaMelachim. But kivyachol if he get distracted, if he would want a cup of coffee, if he'd think about something else, then we would poof, we'd cease to exist. We only exist because he wills our existence. We are the image in his imagination, much like the sports car was for you and the moment these last two minutes that you stop thinking about it, it doesn't exist anywhere. The same is true with Hashem. So we have these two realities at the same time. On the one hand I feel shkoiach, you got me started, thank you, but here I am now, I'm good, I got it, I'm independent of you. On the other, if we stop and pause and think about it, we realize, if we're honest with ourselves, we can never be independent. We only exist because he wills it, we never existed before he created us. ולכן יש לנברא שני מצבים, and therefore we have two realities. מצב אחד כשהוא משמש כלי שעל ידו מתגלה השם יתברך הוא חי עם חיבור למקור שלו וזה נקרא פנים קדם וגדלות. So when I focus on God, I only exist because of your will, I am your agent and ambassador here on earth, I am your shliach, I am your messenger, to help repair and mold and shape your world in your image the way you want. I feel so deeply connected, intimately, integrated with you. That's what's called panim, face to face. That's what's called kedem. That's what's called gadlus, expansiveness, growing. When I'm in that state of Hashem, oh, I love you, I feel you. Every breath in my lungs. כל הנשמה תהלל יה כל הנשימה תהלל יה. It's not that my neshama is calling out and praising you. Neshima is breath. With every breath my neshama praises you, Hashem. I feel you. We talked about this a lot during Corona, which was a respiratory disease and people were put on ventilators. And how grateful and appreciative we should be, every breath in our lungs, every breath we take. Every breath is a testament to Hashem willing us to exist. That's how he first brought us into this world, he breathed life into us. ויפח באפיו נשמת חיים, and with every breath we take. And with every breath we take, we restore our neshama. And that's why not כל הנשמה תהלל יה, כל הנשימה תהלל יה. So on the one hand, Hashem, I feel You every breath, You're with me, and I'm Your agent, I'm Your ambassador, I'm here to serve You. How can we take on Your world today? That's gadlus. I'm growing, I'm expanding, I'm running, I'm making progress. V’hamatzav hasheini hu, but sometimes we wake up in the opposite, כאשר הנברא מגלה את מציאות הישות שלו, הוא מרגיש את האני, hayeshus shel hanivra, שבזה נגרמת הסתרת אלוקות. Sometimes you say Hashem, if you don't mind, I've got some personal things to tend to today. Hashem, today's about me, my existence, my happiness, my comfort, my convenience, my indulgence, my existence. You go take care of You and Your existence. I got me. Independent. My existence, my happiness, my priorities, my wants, my needs. ומצב זה נקרא אחור. Now instead of being face to face, we're back to back, heading in different directions. Katnus, small. Instead of expanding, I'm consolidating, condensing. כי להסתכל על הנברא בלבד, בלי להתבונן להעמיק להבין מי הוא שורשו ומקורו, because the moment that you disengage and disconnect, the moment you feel independent and on your own, the moment you stop with every breath realizing it's only the graciousness and goodness of God, ze katnus. That's smallness. That's smallness. It's a small way of thinking, it's a small way of being, and it's a small feeling to have. כי הקטן לא יכול להתבונן להעמיק ואין לו אלא מה שהוא רואה בעיניו. It's adolescence, it's rebelliousness. We all went through it, maybe we have kids now going through it or grandchildren going through it. What is katnus, what is a katon? What is a minor? Don't tell me what time I can go to sleep, and don't tell me how to think, and I'm on my own, and I see things the way I want to see it, and who are you to tell me? I'm my own person. By the way, can I have some money, I want to go to the mall? But I'm my own person and I'm my own... That's the way a katon thinks. Adolescent, immature, undeveloped adolescent, a katon thinks, I'm my own, don't tell me how to think and how to be and what to do and I don't need you. Except that what? They entirely need you, and they utterly need you. But that's what happens. Ironically. Ironically the more independent you get, the more you're appreciative of your parents who brought you into this world. Ironically. You'd think the more independent you become, the more educated and the more you're on your own, the more you earn your own living, the more you build your own family, you say, you know mom and dad, thank you, you got me started, haven't needed you since I was thirteen, I'm good to go now, I've surpassed you in every which way. But we feel the opposite. You feel the opposite. When you become a gadol, when you become mature, you say, you know what, no matter what I have or who I have or what I am, no matter how it compares or competes with you, none of it would be or without you. You brought me into this world and you changed my diapers and you put me in school and you got me started and you paid my tuition and you continue to love me and shower me and protect me and inspire me and guide me, and I'm nothing without you. It's counterintuitive. It's backwards. But that's a katon versus a gadol. And what's true in our relationship with our parents is true in our relationship with Hashem. When you're in that place of ani, ego, me, I, I take credit, I take responsibility, I am in control, I micromanage life, yeshus, I'm a yesh, I exist, I'm a somebody. Then I've pushed myself away from Hashem, I'm a katon. So we have these periods of katnus and gadlus. Why do we have them? וזה עצמו נקרא אחור, שהוא מצב שבו העיקר עצם זה הוא שניתן שפע, והמקבל לא מעמיק לראות מי הוא הנותן. On the one hand you're receiving and receiving and receiving, but you have no recognition and no acknowledgment of who's giving. You're getting and getting and getting, there's absolutely no recognition or acknowledgment of who's giving. So this is this tension that every member of creation lives with by definition and by simple, by virtue of being a member of creation. Simultaneously these competing feelings of being a nivra. On the one hand, I'm independent, I'm created, and now I exist, let me go, let me roar, let me fly, let me soar. But on the other hand, I'm a nivra, I'm created. If I'm created it means what? I have a creator. I have to acknowledge, I have to appreciate, I have to connect. So why don't we just have one without the other? We can't. They're both built in, they're both realities of being a nivra, a created. And that's why you have ups and downs. And that's why you have ups and downs. If you think about it, he doesn't spell this out, the Tzemach Tzedek, but it's true in our other... relationships as well. Why does it happen in marriage? Why does it even happen with children? Why does it happen in all our relationships? There's ratzo v'shov, there's running to and closeness and romance and connection and to us being a whole and can't imagine life without you and you complete me and blah blah blah blah blah blah. There's that. And then there's other moments that are like, oh, I can't breathe and just let me be and I we don't see eye to eye and I don't feel connected at all right now, I don't even recognize you. We're madly in love and it'll be okay in an hour, but right now in this particular conversation, I don't even know who you are. Why does that happen? For these same two reasons. In marriage in particular because you feel on the one hand you say, vehayu l'vasar echad. We're two halves that became a whole. We're one. That's gadlus, the gadlus of our perception of our marriage, the greatness and the moments of greatness in marriage, there is no I independent of us, there's just us. Our lives are so connected, integrated—don't worry about it—our lives are so integrated, they're so connected, they're so overlapping, our souls were, were destined to be together, we're reuniting to become one. In those moments it's gadlus, it's panim el panim. But then there are moments of katnus. Why? Because I remember you know you existed and I existed before we stood under the chuppah. We were raised by different sets of parents, in different backgrounds, went to different schools, we have different opinions. So in marriage there's a sense of on the one hand dependence and independence. There's a sense of coming together but also being apart. There's a sense of two halves becoming a whole but I also have my own identity. And how do you juggle and balance that? Rav Soloveitchik has a magnificent essay on this about marriage, about in marriage not forfeiting your individuality and identity but simultaneously blending and becoming one. How do you do that? How do you do that? This is not a shalom bayis talk so it's not for now. It's a mistake. A marriage that demands a blurring of individuality is an unhealthy marriage. But a marriage which is two people, two individuals just happening to in a corporate sense live together and divide the chores is also not a marriage. Marriage demands the balance of the two. It's ratzo v'shov, it's panim v'kedem, panim v'achor. It's the same phenomenon. Parents and children, it's the same thing. On the one hand, you are me. You know, a mother can say you literally I'm the factory that produced you. You were manufactured inside of me. You are an extension of me. There used to be a cord, for some people it continues long after birth, but there was a cord that you were nourished through and that once connected us. On the other hand, I'm not defined by your actions anymore. Children grow up and they make choices for themselves and sadly in our time I've counseled more and more people in this way whose children are making radically different decisions than they would necessarily make or want made, from their religious lifestyle to whom they marry to choices about their own orientation or identity or gender. There's more and more going on and how do parents, how do parents deal with that? Who on the one hand feel my child is me, this choice, this lifestyle, it's me. But on the other hand need to know no, it's not. Yes, you are the borei in this case, they're the nivra, and yes, they owe who they are, their existence to you, but now they're independent and they're making a choice and it doesn't have to reflect on you or define you, there's a you independent of the choice of your child. Complicated issues. But this is a reality that's built into the fabric of creation that is about our relationship with God and our relationships with each other and it's by definition. Because the world is designed in such a way that there are creators and created, we by definition therefore by definition we have these two matzavim, these two realities. On the one hand feeling connected, gadlus, and on the other hand feeling katnus, ratzo running to, running to and shov, retreat, a little I need some space. Panim face to face, intimate and achor back to back, not heading in the same direction. That natural up and down is built into creation because of this reason. ובכדי שבעצם המציאות של הנברא יש את שני התפיסות האלו גילוי האלוקות והסתרתה. So therefore in life we will live through these rhythms. In our marriage, in our parenting and in our relationship with Hashem by definition we will endure and persevere and we are destined to live through these ups and downs and through these cycles and rhythms. giluy ha'elokus, the revelation of God, vehastarasa, and His hiddenness. לכן בכל נברא ומקבל, so therefore in every created and every receiver, יש את שני המצבים האלו והם מצבים קבועים. im habria, these are established in the creation. וסדר עבודה במצב הגדלות וסדר עבודה במצב הקטנות. So the first thing is that we last week we acknowledged, we validated it. We don't have to feel bad. It's not just you. It's not just me having ups and downs. It's not just you or me in marriage and with our children and with Hashem and in life. None of us are flatline; we'd be dead. All of us are ups and downs. It's not just you or me; it is built into creation. Your marriage is not bad if you have ups and downs. Your relationship with Hashem is not bad if you have feelings of being connected and disconnected. That is by design. Don't feel bad. Don't beat yourself up. Don't feel guilt. Don't feel shame. That is the way the world was created. Good. Point number one. Point number two, why? Why is that the way the world was created? Because we're a nivra and by definition if you're a nivra, if you're created, you live with those two components. Created, being an extension of another, brings about those two realities: sometimes feeling independent, sometimes dependent; sometimes entirely integrated, sometimes apart; sometimes running to, sometimes needing some space and being away. That was point number two: philosophically why that is definitional to being creation. Point number three, which we'll get to in a few weeks from now, we're taking off a few weeks, is good, now what? Now what? How do you serve Hashem in gadlus? That's almost easy. It's not easy, but it's almost easy. Emuna, Baruch Hashem, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, Chasdei Hashem. Oh, He's everywhere, every breath isn't He amazing and I love Him, fantastic. When you're in love and your marriage and romance and cards and thinking about you and texting you and I can't stand being away from you and all I do is think of you, okay, wonderful. But what does your marriage look like in the days of katnus? What does your marriage to Hashem look like in the days of katnus? How do you continue to connect with your children in days of katnus, of achor, of shov, of retreat, of needing space, of feeling small? What's the avoda? How do we serve in those moments? How do you say I love you when you don't feel it? Should you say I love you when you don't feel it? I'll leave you with that question to ponder for the next few weeks. It's a good question in marriage. Some marriages someone will say, "Say I love you." "I can't say it now, I don't feel it right now." Or do you say I love you because there's a value to keeping the communication of I love you open, and the backdrop, the power level of I love you changes, but the I love you has to be consistent? Should you say I love you even if you don't feel it in that moment, to your child, to your spouse, to Hashem? Which is really the question: should you daven when you don't feel like it? Let me put it differently. Is there a value to an I love you when you don't feel it? Is there a value to a davening when you don't feel connected? What does the avoda in the days of katnus look like? For that and more, stay tuned next time that we are together. Bat Galim and Ophir Shaer are our guests behind the bimah tonight. Their son Gilad was kidnapped and murdered several summers ago. You remember the three boys. They are our guests behind the bimah tonight at 9:00 PM. Enjoy the next few weeks of a break from me, but not a break from Him. Continue to live with emuna. Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay holy.
