Transcript
Good morning, boker tov, welcome back to living with emunah. It's so wonderful to see everyone, particularly those who drive from far and those who are near. It's really meaningful people come in person to learn, to grow, and to all improve and work on our emunah muscles. An enormous thank you again to our anonymous donor, supporter of Rav Dovid Abuchatzeira who supplied a copy of the sefer we're learning, Shaarei Tefillah, to all those who come in person. So if you did not remember to take one last week or weren't here last week, please take your copy, write your name in it, underline it, mark it up. Even if you're a guest and visiting, even if you just came to our kollel to escape your cold and you want to take a sefer, please take one. It's our pleasure. As always, want to begin with an attitude of gratitude and express thanks to our generous series sponsors. First of all, Avi and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Gabbit, in memory of Bella's mother. Our learning should be l'ilui nishmas Dr. Ellen Schanzer. We're so grateful for their generosity. Also, the other series sponsor, anonymously in memory of the 30 fallen soldiers and alumni of Bnei David Mechinah and Yeshivat Eli. Horrific, hard to believe 30, this one yeshiva lost 40 soldiers and alumni, October 7th and the war since. This week we're highlighting Sergeant Dvir Lisha, Hashem yikom damo, 21, a Golani soldier from Nitzan. He was killed on October 7th fighting Hamas in the Zikim Beach. Dvir, in a selfless act of bravery, rushed forward to engage the terrorist, which allowed civilians to escape. There's footage that shows him before he fell, bravely running towards the terrorist, firing his weapon. He's survived by his parents, Nava and Nissan, and his seven siblings. They should find only comfort and strength. This morning's shiur is sponsored anonymously in honor of a newest granddaughter, Kayla Amuna. I think that was me last week. Unless someone else just had a granddaughter named Kayla Amuna, that'd be very hard to believe. By Elaine Trachtenberg, Andrea and Alan Lieberman, and Hel leftkowitz on the 12th yahrtzeit, 19th of Cheshvan of Dr. Howard Trachtenberg, our beloved member. We miss him and we're grateful to him, and yibadel l'chaim to Elaine for their role in our community. חיים צבי הירש בן בנימין who was a beloved husband, father, and grandfather. For simcha, יעקב בן אליעזר ברכה to have hatzlacha in his learning and enjoy his learning, and for an anonymous to have a full refuah shleimah. Ayelet Strauss and Amanda Melman in honor of the upcoming wedding of Ayelet Berkowitz and Yossi Mandelbaum. Mazel tov. May they build a בית נאמן בישראל and continue to be an example of what it means living with emunah. And our learning this morning should be a zechus for יעקב ישראל בן שרה אלקה. Okay, we begin as we always do with some emunah emails that have come in. Baruch Hashem, I feel so blessed to receive so many. I read each and every one of them and I hope the exercise of writing them is valuable in growing emunah, capturing emunah. So please continue to do so, even if I'm unable to read them all. But let's start with this week's, this week's kapitel chaf gimmel sighting. We studied מזמור לדוד ה' רועי לא אחסר a couple of weeks ago. And last week we spoke about kapitel, chapter, Psalm 23. Hashem is my shepherd, I shall not lack. What I want to not lack, we learned, is let me never be lacking in knowing He's my shepherd. So we saw the picture of the person wearing the tank top with the number and the said Psalm number 23. That was their, that was their psalm. And then last week we had another sighting on a license plate. And here's the latest email: Dear Rabbi Goldberg, since your past in the shiur I'm featuring people seeing פרק תהילים פרק כג in various different places, I felt I couldn't not share my experience from this morning. I got on the subway for work this morning like any other day, happy I found a seat next to a woman who wouldn't have to stand. Except that today a man entered the same subway car as me, blasting and singing along to music that was not frum-friendly, nor was it appropriate for the children sitting in the subway with their parents. And if the music wasn't enough, anyone who made eye contact with him got an earful of words that were not very friendly either. My immediate thoughts were, \"Wow, this is so not what I needed at 8 a.m.\" I was frustrated for myself that this was the way my morning was beginning, as well as for parents that had to stand there covering their children's ears to shield them from this man. But as you always say, I was where I was meant to be. My frustration lapsed and I smiled when all of a sudden, I looked at the lady sitting next to me, and lo and behold, through the loudness and chaos of this morning's subway ride, she was sitting there reciting Tehillim in Spanish. And what perek was she reading at the moment? Salmos 23. Translation: Psalm 23. At first, I just thought it was a cute coincidence. Psalm 23 has recently been a consistent theme in this emunah shiur. But of course, the real theme of the emunah shiur is there are no coincidences. So I began to consider what this moment could teach me as my day proceeded to become even more hectic. I ended up having a crazy day of delays and chaos. I witnessed a car. accident, baruch Hashem, everyone's okay. Throughout the entire day, I kept thinking, wow, this has to be one of the worst days ever and it all started with that horrible subway ride. Now that I've had time to reflect, I think Hashem may have been preemptively sending me this small reminder that through all the chaos, he will guide me and be with me. It's definitely that little wink from Hashem this morning that gave me the strength to still smile through my subway ride back home, despite the fact that it was a half an hour later than I usually go home, colder and darker than it has been last winter. So, thank you, Rabbi Goldberg, for providing me with the outlet to help me cultivate the most beautiful outlook on life and has led me to view every event in my life as an opportunity to find Hashem leading me through it. That was this week's sighting of Salmos 23. So keep your eyes open, whether you're here in person or watching online, because I want to find out where it will come up next. Where will Hashem wink and nod to all of us in the amuna shiur and show us that Psalm 23.Rabbi Goldberg, thank you for the shiurim. Thank you for the compliments. I love listening to the amuna shiur on my way to work, as I did this morning. I especially love listening to the amuna stories and sometimes wish I had one to send on my own. Well, today I had one. I was driving home this evening from work on the Belt Parkway. As I was driving, I noticed the screen on the dashboard of the car flashing, low tire pressure in the front passenger tire. My original thought was, I had a long day, flat tires usually go down slowly. I prefer getting to Brooklyn going to a tire shop I know of locally. After all, I wasn't even feeling anything abnormal with the drive. I only had three miles to go until my exit. But the screen was telling me the pressure was going down faster than I'd expected. I decided I'd call my brother and ask for a more objective opinion. Despite him being on a train going home from work himself, he answered with a warning, he'll lose service any minute. I quickly told him the story, he suggested I get off the highway, take a look at the tire myself. He suggested that at the very least I should drive home on the streets, not the highway. I exited and watched how the tire pressure went down, 16 PSI, 11, eight, six, five, and to one within those five minutes. By the way, been there, done that. I think Yocheved wrote an article about it in Mishpacha magazine. Happened to us on the side of a road during COVID in North Carolina, driving a sprinter van. I pulled over and looked at the tire which was completely flat. I quickly Googled and searched for a local tire shop. There just happened to be a shop .3 miles away that was closing at 7:00. It was 6:30 p.m. I drove rather slowly to the shop, got my tire replaced, back on the road within 20 minutes. There are so many aspects of hashgacha to this story. The car wasn't even beeping to alarm me of the low pressure. I could have easily gone on a few more minutes without noticing it. If I went with my initial thought of driving, I would have been driving 50 miles an hour plus with a potentially full flat tire that went within minutes, which could have been extremely dangerous. Finally, the hashgacha of being a tire shop two blocks away from the exit I was able to go minutes before closing, what a hug from Hashem.I am no stranger to moments of questioning, where is Hashem? But sometimes it's the small things that really aren't so small where we need to realize we are where we're meant to be. Perhaps it could be an inspiration for the bigger, more challenging moments to feel strengthened that it too is from Hashem. I'm speaking to myself. Thank you again for all the inspiration. Okay, next email, I don't know, it's anonymous who wrote it, but I love the heading of it. Subject line: Love you or hate you?Hi Rabbi Goldberg. Should I love you or hate you? I was nervous it was from Yocheved. Depending on the day. You never know. Should I love you or hate you? I've been pondering that question and by the end of this note, perhaps the answer will reveal itself. Okay, you had me at hello. You see, I'm a cynic. I tend to believe that people are driven not by goodness, but by something less pure. And yet, your living with amuna shiur from a few weeks ago has been echoing in my mind. You spoke about people's reaction to other's pain, the woman who said she cried for the man in such pain turning away from God, and the many who reached out wanting to invite that lonely baalas teshuva for Shabbos. I find myself drawn to the stories where hardship meets faith, where things don't turn out perfectly but amuna endures. I often roll my eyes at the happy endings, the aha moments where everyone, everything resolves neatly and the refrain becomes, God was there for me. Of course we thank Hashem when things end well. What about when they don't? The people who cling to faith despite their suffering, that's the kind of truth that moves me deeply. This week you spoke about Dovid Hamelech's words גם כי אלך בגיא צלמות לא אירא רע. Years ago when I worked on Wall Street, my sister gave me a CD. Yes, a real CD. Anyone not know what that is? It's like a donut, it's got a hole in the middle, it spins, and you listen to music. It was music by Dr. Rabbi Eli Kransler. I remember sitting on the command bus hearing those very words sung for the first time. The melody, the message, I didn't even know what the translation then, but it pierced straight to my soul. Tears streamed down my face and I didn't even understand why. I was embarrassed as people looked at me strangely but I embraced the tears, welcoming the emotion since I often felt numb. And here I felt deeply. Listening to your shiur now, I finally grasp what those words truly mean. I do live with fear of Hashem. How can I not, after a lifetime filled with challenges, grief, and weighty moments that test the human spirit. I'm not exaggerating. My story would make you cry. But for the purpose of this email, I made a decision. I choose to love you. Perhaps next week I'll feel differently. No offense. None taken. I love you for reminding me of גם כי אלך בגיא צלמות. I love you for reminding me that good people still exist. I love you for honoring the authenticity of those whose stories don't have a perfect ending. And most of all, I love you for being engaging. Normally the idea of listening to a shiur makes me shudder. Truly I've grown disenchanted. Yet you somehow have managed to hold my attention even as I walk and listen, headphones in, trying to internalize the message, believe in Hashem. So thank you for keeping me listening, for rekindling a small dose of emuna. Here's to the next living with emuna shiur. I can't wait. So, it's nice at least for today to feel loved. All right. At least for today to feel loved. Okay. There's so many more, and they're so good and powerful. The bicycle, but we've got Torah to learn.This is a powerful, painful one. Dear Rabbi Goldberg, your podcast number 363 was the week I was sitting shiva for my beloved husband. Because of all the wonderful supportive friends who were flooding our house, I had not listened to the podcast for the week. That is until my daughter excitedly contacted me telling me I had to find time to listen and I understood immediately. My husband's trademark in learning and davening was to write in small print with a mechanical pencil meticulous notes in the margins of all of his sfarim. You remember last week when I told you the great gift? And I encourage you, don't leave it here, don't give it back to me, take it and make it your own. תורת ה' חפצו ובתורתו יהגה יומם ולילה. The opening perek of Tehillim. Dovid Hamelech says, the Torah belongs to God, but when you underline it and highlight it and write in it and mark it up and put the English translations over it, you make it your own. Break the binding. Make it fall apart. Fill it up with your notes. That's what I spoke about last week. So she writes, my husband, who she just lost and was sitting shiva for, his trademark in learning and davening was to write small print. When his siddur began to show signs of age because of all the notations, he realized he could not simply buy a new siddur. He got boxing tape to patch up the well-used one, which now is a treasured legacy for the children and grandchildren. Knowing there's no such thing as a coincidence, I found it wonderful hashgacha pratis, that you would discuss this particular thing on the week of his levaya. I'm enclosing a few pictures of his siddur, which were very beautiful. And we wish her and her family only nechama, strength and comfort through the terrible loss. I want to tell you the wink and nod she doesn't even know. I sometimes find myself speaking and I don't know why I'm talking about that. Like last week, why did I go on that rant about marking up your sefer? It's not the most important thing in the world to me. I don't know if I've ever thought about it before. I certainly didn't sit down and work on the shiur and say, this week I'm going to talk about the importance of writing in the margins and underlining your sefer and making it your own. I don't know. It just came to me. So it's equally a wink and nod from Hashem to me. It's equally a hug from above to me, when sometimes you just find yourself thinking about talking about things, you're not sure why, and you later find out when someone takes the time to write you that email, and it is a very beautiful thing. Okay, one more and then we dive in. I was laughing so hard I decided I must send you an email. My family has a unique position of being totally bicycle dependent. We live in a city in the north, this is Israel, where baruch Hashem they have excellent bicycle infrastructure, but not so great public transportation. After we moved, we decided instead of stretching ourselves to buy a car, we got me an electric bicycle. My husband is a biking enthusiast, has always gotten around by bicycle. I absolutely love my bike and get everywhere with around the city with it. I have three children, five years through six months, and they come along with me. I have enough room on my bike for four kids. Wow. Superwoman. Anyway, my husband was home for a short visit during round four of miluim, which we can pause right there, just astounding, mind-boggling. And just said passively, these are our heroes. She just says passively, my husband was home for a short visit during his fourth round of miluim. Just extraordinary. And the bike was working just fine. The morning after he headed back to his base, my bike died. Not a flat tire, which also happened to me twice, but something with the motor. I called him right away, no answer. Called my brother-in-law, who answered, you're doomed. And hopped into a cab with my three kids for a doctor appointment across the city where we were going to be late. Once I got through to my husband, he listened to the symptoms and agreed with our brother-in-law, it was probably the gears in the motor. He express-shipped gears to arrive the next week when he was supposed to come home again. And managed without a bike for that week. It was tough, but okay. Unfortunately, when he got home, opened the motor, he found the issue wasn't the gears, he didn't know what to do. So he started calling around for a bike place that had time to work on it ASAP. We found someone close by, even offered to grab it from us as he passed by on the way home. That was Wednesday. Here we are Friday morning. He still hasn't started working on the bike, My husband will be away again for his last two days of miluim this round, Monday and Tuesday. So as I'm listening to your shiur this morning while cooking, I paused to kvetch and fret to my husband about the bike. And then I stopped. How ridiculous is that? I'm not supposed to have my bike right now. It's where it's supposed to be. Why should I be fretting? I have no control of the situation and bothering my husband about it won't get the mechanic to work any faster. Im yirtzeh Hashem we'll hear besuros tovos about it very soon. I'm sure I'm allowed to say that about something mundane like a bike, especially if I'm already, I'm always hearing about flights. Thank you for the wonderful shiur. Gut Shabbos. Someone from the north of Israel.You gotta love that somebody whose husband is on his fourth, fifth round of miluim is worried instead about the bicycle and getting around, but also has the attitude and the clarity to be able to say, my bike is where it's meant to be. And this is what we've been learning, this is what I'm encouraging, this is what I'm personally working on all the time. When we start to worry, get anxious, get angry, get resentful, get envious of others, to take that deep breath, to ground and center ourselves, and to remember we and our things, and our solutions, and our future spouse, they are all where they are meant to be. And when we are meant to have them, we will. We have to keep reinforcing and keep remembering. Nothing is random, nothing is coincidence, nothing is chance. It's all from above. Hashem wrote the play. We're just actors on the stage. And yes, we have free will, and yes, it's up to us to express initiative, but once we do, then the rest of the scene plays itself out. And that, let go and let God, surrender, and the serenity that comes with it by realizing, I'll get the bike when I'm supposed to. The package will be delivered when it's supposed to. I'll meet that person when I'm supposed to. The answer will come when it's meant to come. And then we can let go. And then everything falls into place. From a bicycle to miluim, to traveling in an airplane, and to everything in between, it is all orchestrated from above. And when that happens, we can become. I shared with you last week the great expression I saw from the Rebbe. I want to blow it up and put it in our incredible Reb Shaya'le Cafe with the other inspirational quotes we're going to be putting there. The Lubavitcher Rebbe. I got a couple emails about it too. Got to put it on sweatshirts and bumper stickers. Don't be a worrier, be a warrior. Channel the energy of being a worrier instead into being a warrior. Whatever you're worried about, go be a warrior to make it happen. Whatever the case may be, for Am Yisrael, Klal Yisrael, for the Jewish people and the challenges we face, for yourself, for your family. Don't be a worrier. Be a warrior. Take that same energy and channel it into a positive action and outcome.We are on page Kuf Chaf Vav, 126 in your very own. Please mark it up and underline. There are plenty more copies. Give them out. Anyone who needs, please come and take, write your name in and keep. Please bring it back.We're in the bottom of the right-hand column. וכן איתא באמרי נועם. This chapter that we're learning from the דברי אברהם הוא צעירה is all about, very counterintuitively, the value of davening for emuna. I, what I'm missing is emuna in Hashem. I'm supposed to ask Hashem to have more faith in him? The answer is yes, absolutely. Even success in faith, even the ability to see and feel him, depends on our davening, depends on our talking to him. וכן איתא באמרי נועם, u'mevio b'leshono. The great Imrei Noam brings the following. פירש על תפילת רבי נחוניא. We have a tefillah, we say it on Friday nights. When do we say it? Right before Lecha Dodi. And that tefillah is called Ana Bekoach. Who wrote Ana Bekoach? Tradition has it that Ana Bekoach, this beautiful paragraph, we forgot to post it in the WhatsApp group. Miami Boys Choir? We didn't, couldn't find the good version? Ana Bekoach. This beautiful song was written not by Yerachmiel Begun and Miami Boys Choir. It was written by the great Tanna, רבי נחוניא בן הקנה. The great Tanna wrote it. It has 42 words, 42 words, the initials of which form the secret 42 letter of the name of Hashem. The six initials of each of its seven verses form divine names. The Kabbalists teach that it should be divided into phrases of two words each, but our translation, our Artscroll, writes follows the division indicated by a simple reading of the phrase. So you're familiar with Ana Bekoach. If you look before Lecha Dodi on Friday night, you have Ana Bekoach, and there's these mystical acronym Roshei Teivos on the side of Ana Bekoach, the way it's divided. Let me read that to you again. The great Tanna, the great second century, third century Tanna, רבי נחוניא בן הקנה wrote it. It contains 42 words, the initials of the 42 words form the secret 42 letter name of Hashem. I guess if Artscroll published it, it's not such a secret anymore. The six initials of each of its seven verses form divine names. It should be divided into phrases of two words each, and the Artscroll translation follows the divine division indicated by a simple reading of the phrase. So, this *tefillah* of Rabbi Nechunya, Rabbi Nechunya. אנא בכח גדולת ימינך תתיר צרורה. What do these words mean? Just turning the air conditioning off, since it is freezing cold outside. I don't know why it's blowing in here. Sorry one second. *Ona b'koach*, this opening line means, we beg you with the strength of your right hand's greatness, unite the bundled sins. *Ona b'koach*, we beg you, *b'koach* with your strength, *gedulas yemincha*, the great strength of your right hand, *tatir tzerura*. Untie the bundled sins. That is a very esoteric and ambiguous. What does that mean? No wonder. I'm raising the temperature in another room. That's why. Okay. There you go. Sorry. אנא בכח גדולת ימינך תתיר צרורה. *Haynu k'diksiv*, the *pasuk* in *Eicha* says, כי מפי עליון לא תצא הרעות. From the mouth of the of God above, no evil goes out. וכל הדינים מלאים חסדים בקרבם ובפנימיותם. All *dinim*, all strict justice, is that are actually filled with kindness in their inner core. רק בגלוי לעיני בשר נראה כאילו הם דינים חס ושלום. We live in a world where from our limited finite perspective, we sometimes experience things as strict justice. Why did that, why did that diagnosis come in? Why that news? Why that event? Why this crisis? Why that result? Why that outcome? It feels like painful strict justice. But inside every act or experience of justice is a loving kindness from *Hashem*. אך אנו מבקשים כי אין בנו כח לסבול הדינים. But we turn to *Hashem* and we say, but *Hashem*, we know כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד. All that you do is by definition good. We know that. We know that. But we want it to also feel good, as we shared last week, that the Rebbe taught, *Shanah tovah u'mesukah*. Let it be not only a good year, but a year that's good and sweet. By definition, if it's good, if it's from you, it's good. But good can be bitter or good can be sweet. And we ask for and we want and long for a good that is sweet. כי אין בנו כח לסבול הדינים. We don't have the strength. We don't have the strength to endure the *dinim*. ועל כן הראנו ה' חסדך. We daven in *Tehillim*, *kapitel pey hey*, *Har'einu Hashem chasdecha*, show us, *chasdecha*. Just show us and shower us with love and kindness. שגם לעינינו ימלא חסדים בלי שם תערובת דין כלל. Let it be not only something which is kind, by definition, and good, by default, but let us see it, let us experience it in that way too. *V'zehu*, and that's the meaning, אנא בכח גדולת ימינך. *Haynu*, שכל הענינים שהם בכח וגבורה, all things that come from your might and your strength, ובפנימיותם הם בבחינת ימין שהוא חסד. And their inner essence, they're coming from the right. The right is always *chesed*. I mentioned last week, the reason we give preference and precedence to the right over the left is *chesed* over *din*. The left side is *din*, the right side is *chesed*. That's why the *kittel* and the *kapota* and the *bekeshe* and *Chassidim* even the shirt, they they button right over left. The right hand over the left hand. Everything is right over left, *chesed* over *din*. So even though *gedulas yemincha*, your right hand, it's *chesed*, *b'koach*, everything coming through your power, *gedulas yemincha*, we know underneath it all is loving kindness. And even though from our perspective it feels like and looks like *din*, justice, עם כל זה צרור וצפון בתוכו כח החסד שהוא כולו טוב. hidden and embedded and inside of it is loving kindness which is all good. ואך אנו מבקשים תתיר צרורה שתפתח הצרור שבתוכו שם החסדים. Unbundle and untie the loving kindness and the goodness. Let us see it. Let it be visible. Don't make us have to search for it and find it. Don't make us have to wait for it for it to one day come. Untie it and unbundle it. Let us see it, let us find it. שגם לעיני בשר יראה שהוא הכל בחסד. Even to the eyes, even to the naked eye, even to the mere mortal, let us see it and experience it. In other words, our lives are by definition good. Everything that comes from Hashem is by definition good. But there's a good which is painful, and there's a good which is pleasant. So we ask Hashem, we turn to Hashem and we say, let all the good not only be definitionally good, but let it be experientially good. Let us see the good, unbundle, untie. Let us see, let us feel, let us access, let us know the good even within the chesed shebedin. Let us see the kindness even within that which feels like justice. We have a, once a month we meet, a Kaddish club. It's a club nobody wants to ever be part of. But those who are in their period of mourning, and nobody's ever kicked out of the group. There are people who stay long beyond the year, people who come on again when they have a yahrzeit. We get together, we learn a piece of Torah connected to grief, mourning, loss, and then we open it up for people to share and to emote, and to be among others who are going through a difficult time. So, in a recent meeting of our Kaddish group, one of the people shared about the loss of her brother and how painful it was, but how much good has come since then. She's not grateful for it. She wishes she could undo it and have him back. Of course, she's not grateful he's gone, but she's able to look back and reflect on all the lessons she's learned, and all the ways she's grown, and all the manners in which she has stepped up since she lost her brother. And I was wowed, because many people, they stew in their grief and their sense of mourning, and woe is me, and why, and where are you, unable to see or find any good. But there is good. There is good. It's not a good, again, that we welcome or want. We long for and we ask, give us a good without needing to get there through what feels like bad or painful. But under that din is a chesed. How lucky and fortunate we are, we can find it and name it and see it and be grateful for it. But the real tefillah is to not have to have the chesed laced in din, but to have it be just revealed and exposed and direct. The Kadosh, the Rebbe of Kotzk, Reb Chaim M'Sanz, the great Divrei Chaim, the great Reb Chaim Tzanzer, also, מתפילתו של משה רבינו. Moshe Rabbeinu, who also had a tough and difficult life. Moshe Rabbeinu, true, he grew up in a palace, but he was on the run, fleeing for his life to Midyan. He came back and he became a spokesperson for this incorrigible, infuriating Jewish people, who failed them time and again. He didn't get to see his dream realized of going into the land of Israel. His leadership role and the sacrifice he made in fulfilling it impacted negatively his marriage, but also in a sense cost him his children. Because many here don't even know Moshe Rabbeinu's children's names. Can you name the children of Moshe? The name the children of Moshe, who did not succeed him. They did not take over the Rabbenu status, the Rabbenu role. There's a lot that Moshe, and all he wanted was to see his dream fulfilled, to escort the Jewish people into the land of Israel. And he davened. How many times did he daven? Not once, not twice, not 50, and not 100. How many times did Moshe daven? ואתחנן אל ה' בעת ההיא לאמר. The beginning of Parshas Va'eschanan, Devarim Perek Gimmel. 515 times. 515 times. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. You know, it leaves us confused because sometimes we wonder, should we let it go because Hashem was saying no? He closed that door. He said that's not what's best for you. Or did he want us to get up to 515? Ask over and over and again and again. אעברה נא ואראה את הארץ הטובה. He asked, please, let me in, let me see, let me feel. I'll be emeritus. I'll be retired. I don't have to be active. Yehoshua can succeed me, but let me realize and fulfill my dream of entering the land. It's what I live for. This is what I was leading for. 515 times. How do we know 515? That's the gematria of Va'eschanan. V'amar l'var, said the Sanz'er, שבקשת משה רבינו היתה שאף שבוודאי גם הגזירה שלא יכנס לארץ ישראל היתה לטובת עולם לטובת ישראל. Now, why didn't Moshe, this relates to what I wrote about last week and what I spoke about. I'm waiting to get permission from people to read their emails. I cannot tell you the outpouring of reaction and response. We've spoken about here, and I wrote about last week because I shared the letter I got before Rosh Hashanah, giving license and permission to sometimes protest or feel angry at Hashem. And I can't tell you how many people who reached out and said how much that meant to them. Because that's where they are and that's how they feel, and they felt like a lost cause. They felt rejected and they had no place. One person wrote after seven months they went back. to shul. Because they read the letter from the person who wrote me and the response. So far they only made it to the *kiddush*, not into the *davening*. But I want to tell you that that's that's also a big deal. That's a big deal. I know somebody who because of abuse he experienced in his youth from a person of Torah authority who has such trauma and so many triggers related, and now he has a family and desperately wants his children to not suffer from them and to be able to live a richly Jewish life. So he comes to shul because he wants them to, and he told me, I can't make it past the lobby. When I enter past the threshold and I come into the shul, my body reacts, it shuts down. I can't breathe, my test my chest tightens, and it's hard to even be there. We don't know what that means. And there are many more people who experience that than we want to know or maybe than we would believe. But they're not lost causes. In many ways, as we've talked about, their relationship with Hashem is more real because it's more raw. It's authentic, it's genuine. How many walk right past that threshold, enter right in, and haven't had a real conversation with Hashem in many years or in all the years of their life. They wrap those *t'fillin*, they put on the *tallis*, they open the *siddur*, they say the *tefillah*, they extra *Tehillim*, and yet they've never had a real conversation. They're not in a raw, real relationship. So some of those people, it's real. It's real. It's real. And I hope I'll be able to share some of their emails because they touched me very deeply, just like the original letter writer did. So here, the great *Sanz*er, Rav Chaim *Sanz*, the *Divrei Chaim*, he points out, why didn't Moshe say if Hashem said, no, I can't enter Israel, that's what's best for me. So I'll leave it alone. Why did he come back and ask again and again and over and over? For *l'tovaso* it was good for him, for *l'tovas Yisroel*, it was the right thing for the Jewish people. ומשה האמין בכך ללא שום ספק. Moshe had unbelievable, unconditional, unequivocal faith. Moshe had maybe the most perfect faith. Moshe certainly believed in Hashem and believed that everything Hashem did and determined was for his best and the Jewish people's best. So leave it. Drop it. Move on. You asked, Hashem said no, okay, *vaiter*. אך אף על פי כן התחנן לקדוש ברוך הוא. Nevertheless, Moshe said, please, pretty please, pretty please with a cherry on top, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please. Can't I? Won't you? It's the last time. I'll never ask again, please, can't I? 515 different ways. He *mutcher*ed, and he bothered, and he came after, and he drove Hashem crazy. אעברה נא ואראה את הארץ הטובה שהוא חסדים מגולים ונראין לעין כל. What was Moshe saying? What was Moshe *davening*? Says the *Divrei Chaim* of *Sanz*er, Moshe was saying, I know that the no is the best and what's right for me and the Jewish people. But can't you make a right and best for me and the Jewish people that includes me going into the land? If the answer is no, I accept it. I surrender and I submit. But I'm asking, can't you pivot and adjust and make what's right for me also with what feels good for me? Nobody, I thought I was going to get a hard time on that article or our *shiur*, this concept of being able to and being allowed to, having a license to protest or even be angry at God. I didn't get any pushback. I think we brought lots of *ra'ayos*, lots of evidence. Avraham and *Sdom*, *Iyov*, *Yonah*, *Yirmiyahu*. Yesterday in the *parsha shiur*, the holy *Eish Kodesh*, the *Piacetzna Rebbe*, talked about how Sarah ended her life, so to say, she died in protest to Hashem when she heard that *Yitzchak* was sacrificed, even though he wasn't. In protest to Hashem, she, this is in November 1939 when two months earlier his only son was murdered by the Nazis, as was his daughter-in-law and as was his sister-in-law, he lost so much of his family. The *Piacetzna Rebbe* gave this *drasha* in the Warsaw Ghetto, and he said, Sarah's life ended in protest to Hashem, I don't want to live if you cause so much suffering. Hashem, you must stop the suffering. It's too much to bear. You're a loving God. If the *Piacetzna* could say that about Sarah, that sometimes we can protest to Hashem. So Moshe Rabbeinu did not just take it. Moshe Rabbeinu turned back to Hashem and he said, I get it. And I know with unconditional and unequivocal faith, I know it's all from you. And I surrender, I submit. If this is the answer ultimately, I'm all in, this is what's right. But would you reconsider changing what's right? If you think about it, that's what all *davening* is. We're finite and we're mere mortals. I don't think we've ever spoken this out. So let's do it right now for a moment. Hashem is infinite and omnipotent, and he's all-knowing and all-seeing. I'm a mere mortal and I'm finite. Like there's someone I sometimes get a ride with or drive with who for some reason has this aversion to using Waze or Google Maps. Whenever we go, he says, I know how to go. I know the shortcut. I know where to get on, I know the express lanes. I say, you can't see around buildings, you can't see around corners, you can't see five miles in advance, you don't know where an accident happened, where traffic built up, or where the police are hiding. Why in the world, why in the world would you follow your limited intuition of how to go instead of the satellite in the sky that sees further and better, more accurately, more precisely and tells you and knows exactly where to go. Why in the world? And I struggle and I debate and I argue with him each and every time. Each and every time.One of my favorite stories. A couple of summers ago, my daughter had a baby in New York and I was going with my mother-in-law to go see and meet this baby. I was at a hospital on the North Shore, and I was following Waze and it was taking me a different direction she was used to. She kept criticizing, she's not as used to using Waze, it's not a criticism, love her with all my heart. And she said, why are you going this way? I said, Ma, it's it's Waze, it's a satellite, it knows traffic, it's telling us. So she protested by saying, Waze is not from the neighborhood. Waze doesn't know how to go. Waze is not from our neighborhood. Okay, it's a little generational thing there. Waze is Waze is from every neighborhood. Waze is from every neighborhood. Waze knows how to go. Waze knows how to go. I I'm only slightly exaggerating, every time I turn the car on, I put on Waze. Almost from my house to shul, I'm exaggerating on the circle, but I'm telling you the truth that if I'm off the circle, when you have to drive carpool, whichever direction you're coming off the circle to drive carpool, put on Waze. You don't know better where traffic has built up, where an accident happened, where police are hiding, where a light is out. You don't know. Put it on. It knows better. So stop this ego game. Stop, it takes three seconds, put it on and it's going to tell you. Again, now I'm going to get emails Google Maps is better than Waze, Waze is better. There's an age-old debate, whichever one you want to use, but use something relying on a satellite in the sky.Why am I ranting about that? Because I have a perspective on life. I have a perspective on when I should get married, and if I should be healthy, and how much money I should make, and what an outcome from an election should be. That's my perspective. Then there's the satellite in the sky known as the Ribono Shel Olam, the Almighty. He's not only from every neighborhood, he created every neighborhood, he runs every neighborhood, he knows everything about every neighborhood. He's in charge, he's in control, and he has another perspective about when I should get married, and if I should be healthy, and how much money I should make, and if I should have children, and who should win what's election. And now there's a conflict. His perspective, his determination, his decision, and mine. He's infinite, I'm finite. He's omnipotent, I'm limited. He's perfect and Yocheved tells me I'm not. So who should surrender to whom? Who should surrender to whom? Only because we have such an amazing marriage could I make these jokes. Who should surrender to whom? Should I give into God and do it his way or should I really be busy protesting, appealing, talking to him and trying to force him to conform? Who should conform? Who should conform? Should I conform to him or should he conform to me? Isn't it logical and obvious to say he's infinite and omnipotent, he's up in the sky and all-knowing, everything he does is good by definition and for the best? So enough, Goldberg. Stop davening and asking, stop controlling and manipulating, let go and let God, he's in charge and in control. Close the siddur, close the Tehillim, close the conversation, whatever happens, passively accept it's coming from God.That question bothered me when I was younger. That question bothered me. Not like high school younger, post-high school younger. That question bothered me. Why are we davening? What are we asking for? Why am I trying to change God's mind when if it's a choice between his mind or my mind, we should go with his mind every time. Do you ever think about that question? Has that question ever bothered you? Does the question bother you now that we've asked it? Is this thing on? Is anybody listening? Yes. Okay, thank you. Thank you.So, the Alshich, others, the Akeidah, they all have the following. How do you say to pray in Hebrew? Hispallel. What form of the verb is hispallel to daven, to pray? It's hitpa'el, it's the reflexive form. What am I trying to change when I daven? Am I trying to change change God's mind? No. I'm not trying to change God's mind, what I'm trying to change is myself. Why? Because the determination God had for what's best and what's right and what's good was for the me before I *davened*. But when I *daven*, and I change and I transform myself, what I'm saying is, it's a new me. So let's come up with a new, a new what's best for me. So what you had determined was best for me was true for the old me. You did it maybe to even get my attention. Well, you got it. And here I am. And now, through the exercise in humility and dependence and faith and surrender, through the closeness I've created with you, I'm a new me. And now that I'm a new me, how about you come out with a new decision of what's best for me?Person comes before a judge and the judge says, I look at your record, I've examined all the evidence, I'm locking you up. I'm putting you in this program. I'm making you pay this fine. You have to volunteer this service. And the person then says, judge, may I approach the bench? Can I speak from my heart? And wins over favor with the judge and convinces the judge that the person who stands before him or her is not the person who did all those things, is not the person who all the evidence points to the crime. They're a different person. I see you've worked on yourself. I see through the way that you presented yourself, you're a new you. So you know what? It's true that that was my decision, that was my judgment, but I hear you, and I hear that you're different, and I see that you're different and transformed and therefore, and therefore, tell you what, this is my new determination. This is my new decision. This is what I'm going to do for you now. I was once in court testifying for someone in the behalf where that happened.The judge, it was sentencing, and the judge heard the argument. I happen to speak on that person's behalf, but much more importantly, heard the person himself. And the judge said, he said, I want you to know, Mr. so-and-so, when I walked in this morning, I had already made the decision. I was going to sentence you to such and such. But having heard you, I believe you. I find you compelling and persuasive. And I hear the people who spoke for you. Unfortunately, I've done this several times for several people and I've never seen that before. Usually whatever the decision was before they walked in the court was the sentencing that was hand down, handed down no matter what was said. But here he heard something, he saw something and he said, I was going to put you in jail today from this hearing. But instead, I've decided such and such.Every time we *daven* we're turning to *Hashem*. *Hispalel*, *hitpa'el*, we're not trying to change his mind. The act and the process, the exercise of prayer is to change ourselves. And to say, to make the argument, *Hashem*, what you had determined, what you decided was best for me, that was the old me. That was the last me. But now through this experience, through this process, through this *tefillah*, there's a new me. So would you reconsider maybe what the new me should get? That's what the *Divrei Chaim* is saying. Not in so many words, but that's what's underlying what the *Divrei Chaim* is saying. The *Divrei Chaim* of Sanzer is saying, Moshe's telling *Hashem*, *Ribono Shel Olam*, if you think I shouldn't go into the land of Israel, that's best. That's right, that's just, it's good. It's good for me, it's good for *Klal Yisrael*. But it's good for the old me. Through 515 times of asking you, I've changed myself 515 different ways. Maybe *epes*, now it is good for me to go in? Maybe the new me *epes*, it is good for *Klal Yisrael* for me to lead them in? And if the answer is still no, I accept it. I surrender to it. I submit to you. Whatever you decide and whatever you determine, but the whole process and exercise of *tefillah* is, I'm a new me.If you've *davened* and you haven't transformed, you haven't *davened*. I'm not saying give it up. We still do it. Not every *davening* is going to be the highest level. Sometimes we could *daven* a whole month just for that one breakthrough *tefillah*. But had we not kept opening the *siddur* the whole month, we never would have gotten to that breakthrough. So you have to keep *davening* no matter what. But the level we're yearning and searching for, the one we want to be on, the metric or measure every time we close the *siddur* about that *tefillah* is to ask ourselves, am I changed? Am I different? Have I been transformed by what I just did? Did I have an intimate rendezvous with the Almighty? Was it real? Was it raw? Was it authentic? Did I talk to him? Did I hear him talking to me? Am I changed? Am I transformed by it? And if we want a new determination, a new judgment, then we have to become a new person. Because if we're the old person, we're not just going to bribe *Hashem*. He's not just going to look the other way, and we don't want him to. We don't want him to. Because remember, he's the satellite in the sky and we can only see what's right in front of us. and if there's a choice between the two, we'll always or should always defer to him. So we don't want him to. The only time we really even want him to is because we're different, we're new, we're changed, we're transformed. And that's what tefilla is all about. It's an exercise in emunah, in faith, transforming ourselves. It is, it is introduced, the assumption, the presumption is, you're in charge, you're in control, it is by definition good. And whatever you determine, whatever the outcome, I surrender to you that it is good. But Hashem maybe consider a new outcome because I'm a new person. Maybe we could change. Now how does that work when you daven for someone else? Maybe they're still the same person. So why should Hashem listen to you to help them if they're still the same? How should it help to daven for someone else? That's a good question. Which maybe we'll pick up with next time. We'll end here. We continue when we turn the recording off. We continue with live questions and answers for those who come in person. So until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, stay holy.
