Transcript
Good morning, boker tov and good chodesh. Welcome back to Living with Emuna. As always a big thank you to our generous series sponsors Doctors Avi and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Galbut. Yahrtzeit is coming up next week. And in memory of Bella's mother, Dr. Ellen Shanzer. We remain very grateful to the Morgans for their generosity. Also this morning is sponsored lechavod Rosh Chodesh in memory of Dr. Jacob M. Hiller, who exemplified and modeled how to live with simchas hachayim, by David Zwick. In honor of the BRS community for the continued chesed, by Sarah Margolis in memory of her dear father Meyer ben Tzvi, whose yahrtzeit is the 4th of Av, and in honor of this shiur, which has been part of the refuah that came before the makah in their lives, and has equipped them with the language needed to support a refuah sheleimah of their grandson תינוק בן עליזה לאה, and by Kara Wald for a refuah sheleimah for Bracha bas Rachel. So thank you to all of our generous sponsors this morning. I want to learn something. I actually posted the text in the Emuna WhatsApp group. It does not appear in English that I know of, and it's available here, there are more copies if anyone who is live in the room would like to learn it. Please help yourself to some coffee. But before we dive back into the text, which really is very related to the email I want to share with you this morning. I get so many emails, baruch Hashem, and keep them coming. I keep them all, I read them all, many most I'm able to read in the shiur itself, but every one of them touched me deeply and inspire me very deeply. So when you have those emuna stories, please continue to send them. So we've been talking all about emuna being the elixir, emuna being the medicine, emuna being what gives us the strength to be able to navigate the challenges and the complications of our lives. When life doesn't flow the way that we necessarily want, when we encounter challenge and hardship and struggle, be it from people, be it from illness, be it from simply being alive and the world around us. Emuna, that emuna muscle, that emuna instinct, that emuna intuition, that emuna reaction, to be able to take that deep breath, to be able to pause, to be able to center and ground ourselves, to be able to understand and interpret what is happening around us through the pnimiyus of it, the depth of it, not simply in the superficial way is what can give us a healthier and a happier and a much, much, much more meaningful life. And in that context, we spoke about channeling, even when we feel anger, disappointment in others, to not get angry at others, and channeling the anger in Hashem, that sometimes life, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the world is throwing us a curveball, which is difficult, painful, and we feel where are you and who are you and why don't you love me? And to use that anger to lean in. We ended last week with the wonderful metaphor that somebody had told me, a nurse, the image of the father holding down the child who was getting the shot, and in one moment the baby's screaming, the child is screaming and crying, Tati, Abba, daddy, let me go, help me, and a moment later when he releases her because the shot was successful, the baby, the child runs into the father's arms. The very father that seemingly was holding the baby down a moment ago, was an accomplice to what felt like torture, a moment later is running into the father's arms. And that's us, what sometimes feels like torture in our lives, to realize and recognize that he's our father. If we feel like we're being held down, if we feel like he's an accomplice to those who want to cause us pain, even when we don't understand it, even when we are in the throes of it, it's all because he loves us and that the strength we can get is to afterwards or even in it run into his arms. But anyway, I got an emuna letter that says the following. Dear Rabbi Goldberg, I was going to write you an emuna letter last week. I have a daughter getting married. It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride, bumps along the road, still getting bumps in the road. I raised my children this way, but my daughter's engaged that way, without leaving out the details. As you often say, emuna is easy when things are going well, but when you run into difficulty, that's when we need to use our emuna muscle. This has been an evolving situation that went south very fast. I started out last Thursday morning when I suggested a certain rabbi from the shul who I know of through a friend. My daughter asked me to find out about it. Later that afternoon she said someone was helping her find a rabbi and basically to back off. My words, writes the mother. By the end of the day when my friend contacted me, the rabbi's available, my daughter no longer wanted my involvement. During the day I found names of a lot of rabbis based on recommendations from people, all of my efforts, she took me out of the equation for no apparent reason. Friday afternoon she sent me a text saying, I think I found a rabbi. To my disappointment she told me she found somebody in a rabbinical program, again, leaving out the details, leave out the money, the cost of the rabbi, the cost of the wedding. She spoke with such harshness, I was shaking after I hung up. I was in tears. I agreed with the message and I knew it was from Hashem, but I did not appreciate the way the message was delivered. It happened to be, and how many times have we now heard this and read this, it happens to be that I found you on Spotify months ago and I've been listening to the emuna shiur nearly every week. Today, Wednesday afternoon when I turned on my Spotify before getting in the car, I always listen in the car, I saw the emuna shiur lit up in blue, meaning I had a new emuna shiur, which is usually posted on Thursdays. I've been through a really rough night with machlokes on both ends and I really needed some serious chizuk. When I saw you had a new shiur I said yay, looking forward to the class. I heard your first email about another person's rant... His letter helped me at the exact time I needed encouragement. His twofold idea about being angry at Hashem, like why is this happening, and then recognizing that a person getting angry is just Hashem's way of giving a message, even if we don't appreciate the messenger and the way it was delivered. So yet again somebody who turned on Spotify and the shiur came up exactly when they needed, and I had read an email which when they turned on the shiur was exactly the email that they needed to hear, it had nothing to do with me, an email from another person, so instead of leaning into their anger, instead of machlokes escalating with their daughter, instead of friction and tension, which would have been difficult to recover from and to repair, deep breath, emuna, remembering we're not in charge, we're not in control, and we simply need to surrender and submit to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to the Ribono shel Olam, to the Ribono shel Olam. Newsflash, I stopped in the middle of writing to you to make dinner, less than an hour later my daughter called to say she found a different rabbi, maybe she saw how upset we were, like you said we can only see Hashem in retrospect. I believe Hashem was sending me a message, as much as I hate conflict I had to find the courage within me to stand up for what I believe, it's not over till it's over, but be'ezrat Hashem I think we're going to be okay. So this one was an interrupted email where it turns out by the time the author got back to the keyboard, things had worked out for, with Hashem. It gave me the exact chizuk I needed just hours before my own positive outcome, wow, thank you so much. So Baruch Hashem incredible and we continue to thank Hashem. One more email and then we'll dive into this text which is connected to this idea as well. Dear Rabbi Goldberg, this email is long overdue, I want to thank you for the gift of emuna, I have my own emuna story sharpened and strengthened by my two and a half years of listening to Living with Emuna. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I could write thousand emails to you of random events that have happened or acts of chessed from Hashem I've experienced over the last few years, I want to share with you the most salient impact of your shiurim, three classes helped me the most, the one titled Ein Od Milvado, the one on Kalev and the Meraglim, and the one in which you tell us it's okay to push back with Hashem when times are tough. I would say the most feedback I get is giving people license and making it, giving permission to struggle with Hashem. Again, you've got to fall into his arms afterwards, you have to have him hold you, you have to surrender and allow him to protect you, but to say, let me go, why are you holding me down, to feel I wish things were different is permissible. I don't think I read this one yet, if I did please stop me, I don't think I did. Six months ago I found out I have breast cancer, over the last few months I felt little control, waiting for biopsies results and decisions the challenge is frightening. Despite challenging test results, doctor told me I could skip chemotherapy, go straight to radiation, I was happy to see a clear path forward. I think I did read this one. No? No one remembers so I should read it again. I was happy to see a clear path forward. Erev Shabbos my oncologist called to tell me my medical team canceled my upcoming radiation treatment, they decided to do one more biopsy. The biopsy result would determine if the cancer had chas v'shalom spread further than realized and whether or not I would need more surgery and chemo. This event was a great blow to me, I felt the carpet being pulled out from under my feet, I was devastated in emotional and spiritual pain, I'd been so upbeat, positive, and trusting in Hashem, and now how could he do this? I did exactly what you permitted me to do, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with him, I cried and cried tears of tefillah. I ended recognizing he's in charge, I was trusting him to take care of me, everything I was going to go through was for my own benefit. One of the things that I realized from my doctors' reports and the statistics I found were the meraglim in my life, they Google meraglim in my life. I cried when I listened to your description of Kalev saying, don't fall for what-ifs, we live beyond all prediction. I had to consciously decide every day and every moment to ignore my meraglim and trust, place my trust only in Hashem. In writing this email I make it seem easy, but it was one of the most difficult and challenging times, I worked on my trust one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Every day I felt I was jumping out of an airplane trusting my parachute would open. You tell us that emuna stories with happy endings are not what we base our emuna upon and what we learn more from stories in which people do not have a clear-cut answer. I want to share another perspective, all emuna stories are happy endings, growing emuna is the happy ending, full stop. I love that, I don't think I read this, if I did it's worth reading again. I want to read that again. You tell us that emuna stories with happy endings are not what we base our emuna upon and that we learn more from the stories in which people do not have clear-cut answers. I want to share another perspective: all emuna stories are happy endings. Growing emuna is the happy ending, full stop. We may only sometimes get what we want, we go through challenges that we don't want, if we grow we have created a happy ending in one area we exert control. Increasing my trust in Hashem from this ordeal has given me great happiness and has changed me. Wow. So in other words, when it feels like we've forfeited so much control, when things are happening around us and to us in which we feel I no longer have control, there is one thing we still have control of and that is how we feel, how we react, how we respond, how we relate, and whether we lean in with emuna, whether we fall into the arms of Hashem and if we take advantage of. Then by definition, no matter what the rest of the ending, every emuna story does have a good ending because it ends with greater emuna. I want to end with the I avoid chemotherapy yet again baruch Hashem. I started radiation. I'm hopeful and I know I must take it one step at a time and keep developing my trust and ability to communicate with Hashem. When Elul comes around we're reminded teshuva is possible if we start the process to open our hearts the size of a needle. Hashem will aid us and enable the hole to expand large enough for a chariot to pass through. I now understand this is the same with emuna. If you want it, Hashem will send the chariots, he'll send you your random podcast memes and coincidences. He'll give you the strength to overcome even the most difficult challenges. Thank you for helping me along the way. I hope Hashem blesses you, blah blah blah. Gut Shabbos. Amazing email, thank you so much, I have more that I'm not going to get to for now with the amazing poem that I told you about we would get to this time that I'm still not getting to for now. Let's see if we come back to. Let's look at the text in front of you. The text in front of you comes from Be'imtza Darkecha, Rav Itche Meir Morgenstern. We've learned much of his many of his sefarim. We took a break, we're coming back to him, at least for today because this is in his sefer on the Bein Hametzarim and Tisha B'Av, the three weeks, the nine days that begin today, today is Rosh Chodesh Av and Tisha B'Av. But I want to take a different spin on this time, and if you're listening to this or you're tuning in, not during the three weeks, nine days, or Tisha B'Av, nevertheless the message, the lesson remains incredibly relevant whenever you listen. נדע שבית המקדש השני נחרב בעוון שנאת חינם. So looking inside. You know that the Beis HaMikdash, the second Beis HaMikdash was destroyed, what was the cause? Chazal tell us, sinas chinam, baseless hatred. We disparaged, we marginalized, we criticized, we condemned, we judged others, and Hakadosh Baruch Hu said those are my children. What are you doing? You can't get along? I don't want to live with you. You know when the kids are fighting and bickering and the parent says, I'm out, I'm done. Did I ever tell you my favorite story? I have a friend who drove his children, his wife was away on business and he took his kids for a couple days to Disney. And they were fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting along the way. So he said to them, he said as they were getting close to Orlando, if you fight one more time, this is it. I've had it, I'm done. One more fight, I'm turning around. We're done. We're going home. They get to Disney, he pays for parking, he pulls in the lot, and as he's pulling into the spot, yet another fight breaks out in the back of the minivan. He takes the car out of park, without having turned it off, out of park, into reverse, turns it around, takes them home to Boca, that was it. I'm sure the next time he said, they listened. That was a type of parenting which is a lost art. That's a type of parenting which now children would write a book, make a lawsuit, go to therapy, father would be on the defensive, he'd be accused and called all kinds of names, they'd become an influencer by streaming live about their terrible father in the front seat from the back seat on the way home. That's a lost art of parenting that I'm sure positively impacted those children. So why did the father do that? And we've been there, maybe not the courage to turn the car around. You could debate he did the right thing or not, but he's my hero. And why did the father do that? Because we've all been there. We've all been there. We say to our kids, I love you, I'm spoiling you, I'm taking care of you, I'm treating you, I'm indulging you, and you can't get along? The one thing I'm asking on the way to the vacation, during the vacation, after the vacation, just get along. Don't write me thank-you notes, you don't have to get me a gift, you don't have to get me a souvenir, you don't have to make a booklet, you don't have to make a video star, all I want you to do is get along. That's it, just get along and I'll continue to spoil you rotten, I'll continue to indulge you and take you away, all I'm asking is you get along. The Ribono Shel Olam looked down and he said, I have a Beis HaMikdash and I spoil you rotten and I indulge and I live among you and you feel my presence. And all I'm asking is just you get along. This Shabbos meal, this Yom Tov, this vacation, just just get along, I can't take it anymore. All you do is scream and yell and bicker and judge and marginalize and criticize. Just get along. Sinas chinam. נחרב בית המקדש ומבטל הקשר בין אדם להקדוש ברוך הוא. The Beis HaMikdash was destroyed, he withdrew. He said I don't want to be with any of you. You want to kill each other? Begezunt, I'm out, I'm done, I'm turning around, I'm finished. Vehainyan hu, says Rav Itche Meir, שאם יש שנאת חינם זה מגלה שאין אמונה אמיתית. Why are we talking about this during the emuna shiur? This is a Tisha B'Av message, sinas chinam, love every Jew. We wrote about this week, you'll see it about saying hello to every Jew, if on Tisha B'Av you're not allowed to greet others, it's assur and prohibited, we need to know what it feels like to be isolated and excommunicated and alone. These nine days all we should do is say hello. When the shiur is over, find someone you never met and walk over and say hello. Let's have some coffee in the back of the room. Tell me about you. When did you move here? Are you visiting? All we do for these nine days, eight days up to Tisha B'Av, Tisha B'Av you're not allowed to, all we should do, my friend Rabbi Leo Dee told me yesterday that he has this campaign, these eight days, eight, he says, ayin tes, eight, eight like eis, eis lasos, eis lashem, eis ratzon, eight, these eight, not nine days because Tisha B'Av you're not allowed to greet, these eight days a campaign, greet, greet, greet, say hello, hello, hello, be warm, warm, warm, ahavas chinam, just love, love, love. What does that have to do with emunah? Why are we talking about this in the emunah shiur? Why is this relevant even if you are listening right now in the middle of Chanukah? Because if there's sinas chinam, says Reb Itche Meyer, if there's sinas chinam, you know what it reveals about you? If you could speak negatively about another Jew, if you could injure or harm another Jew, if you could gossip about another Jew, if you could judge critically another Jew, you know what it says about you? Not just that you're mean, not just that you're a jerk, not just that you're nasty. You know what it says about you? That you lack emunah, that you're struggling and you have a problem in your relationship with Hashem. שלא מכירים באמת במציאות השכינה ובכך שהיא מנהיגה הכל. It means that you are struggling, you lack faith in Hashem, you're unable to surrender to Him, you don't see Him clearly in your life, and that He controls everything and runs the world. כי כשיש אמונה אמיתית בשכינה הקדושה because when you have a real belief in the shchina hakedosha, in the Ribbono shel Olam, in the Almighty, אזי לא שייך שנאה וקנאה ותחרות. If you love your parents, if you really love your parents and you value your parents and you're grateful to your parents, then you love your siblings, then you love your siblings. It's that simple. You find a way to get along. Why are you getting along? Because your parents, because you have the same DNA, you have the same background, you have the same history, you have a shared destiny. It doesn't mean that you have to vote for the same candidate in the next election. Doesn't mean that you have to have the same approach to policies. It doesn't mean that you have to send your kids to the same school. It doesn't mean you have to observe the same way. It doesn't mean that you have to be happy with each other's decisions. I'm not saying that you should love siblings and therefore love unconditionally that you go to every simcha even when it's not technically a simcha because it's a great source of pain and disappointment. I'm not saying that there aren't challenges of things that we disagree on that we have to navigate. But can we do it with love? Can we find common ground? Can we identify with what we connect with rather than what divides us? If you love your parent, then there's no room for envy and jealousy and anger ולא שום מריבה אלא רק שלום ושלווה. You're so committed beyond everything else to peace and love and commonality and unity that you say we'll navigate these differences. We're not going to sweep them under the carpet. We're not going to ignore them. we're not going to pretend they're not here. But we'll find a way to navigate them nonetheless. כמו שמובטח לנו לעתיד גר זאב עם כבש ולא ישא גוי אל גוי חרב ולא ילמדו עוד מלחמה. That is the promise of the eschatological era, which is a very fancy way, I hope I've impressed you with my Latin, a very fancy way of saying Yemos HaMashiach. When Mashiach comes, what does it mean? It means that we know nations will lie down their, lay down their weapons and the animals will cuddle with one another instead of tearing each other apart. And we will live with peace and harmony. וסיבה לזה היא כי כולם ידעו אותי למגדלם ועד קטנם. And how is that going to happen? How will nations find, why will they lay down their weapons? How will animals not rip each other apart? Why will we be able to get along? Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the Almighty, will be revealed. He'll be undeniable. There'll be an absolute clarity that there is a Creator, a higher power, a source of all, and that everything that happens to us is by design. So when we see that and when we live with that, we're not going to fight. There won't be tension. We're not going to criticize. We're not going to judge. We're not going to have conflict. וכשאדם יודע באמת דהשם יתברך עם שום מריבה ושום טענה. If you really live with this consciousness, if you really live with this mindfulness, if you really live with this awareness and this presence of Hashem in life, then you're not going to lash out. You're not going to react nastily. You're not going to get revenge. You're not going to judge others. You're not going to live with all of those behaviors that are the source of sinas chinam. כי כשאדם מכיר שכל מה שחבירו עשה לי זה בעצם מהשם יתברך because whatever happened, this friend forgot to invite me, this friend didn't get back to the text I wrote, this friend, whatever it is that happened, it couldn't have happened unless Hakadosh Baruch Hu was alright with it, unless He willed it, unless He allowed it. So therefore, what am I meant to take from it? Is maybe I'm not as close with the friend as I thought. Maybe I learned a lot about the friend. Maybe, but I should stop focusing on the friend as much as I focus on, there was a... lesson you're meant for me. וזה לטובה ממש אז לא יקפיד עליו. If that happens, then you're not going to lash out. You're not going to... you're not going to be harsh. It's possible that somebody I'm related to through marriage was delaying us from getting somewhere and I was not reacting like the person who gives the emuna shiur. And it's possible that she said to me, "Hey, don't you remember if somebody's running late and delaying you and you're frustrated, aren't you supposed to feel it's all from Hashem?" Which was just a mean thing to do. Which was just a mean thing to do, but also the correct thing to say because it held up a mirror to me and it was 100% accurate. Now, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't lie about the time we need to leave next time so that we actually can leave on time. As I said, we learn about people and what we need to do in order to accommodate, so maybe we need to be a little bit... what's the word? I don't like the word lie. Creative. Creative. We need to be creative when saying what time we need to leave and build in the buffer of knowing that some are not as punctual as others. Maybe we need to learn from it, but when that other lacks the punctuality, I think we're also still entitled to say, "Hey, I'm frustrated. Remember we made an agreement? We said we're going to leave by this time. I'm not going to yell at you. I'm not going to call you a name. I'm not going to tell you you're just like this person in your family. I'm not going to escalate... so in theory, I'm not going to escalate some big fight that now it's going to take three days for us to recover from. I'm going to gently and lovingly say, 'Hey, remember, listen, I know it's from Hashem that we left later than I wanted. I'm okay with that. I'm cool with that. I've accepted that. But Hashem used you to be His shliach to make us late and I'm asking you not to be that shliach again.' If you don't mind, we have an agreement, we have a contract, we said we're going to be punctual together." But if you could live that life, what would your marriage look like? Imagine what your marriage would look like. If your child left that toy in the middle of the floor and you stubbed your toe on it and it hurt, but you said, "You know, I was meant to hurt my toe because if Hashem wanted me to see it or walk around it or have the child remember it, then I wouldn't have stubbed my toe on it." So I'm still going to tell my child, "You need to clean your toys and if you don't, I'm taking them away or your bedtime is earlier or you lose your technology" or whatever consequence will condition them to clean their toys, but you're doing it now from a place of calm, not from a place of anger. You're doing it from a place of education and pedagogy, not from a place of frustration and ego. All why? Because you're able to interpret everything is from Hashem. Somebody hurt you or damaged you or injured you in business. So you're entitled to say we're going to beis din. At times even, of course, you're allowed to go to court if you have a hetter. But if you're doing it, you say, "Look, HaKadosh Baruch Hu wanted me to potentially be out this money. HaKadosh Baruch Hu wanted me to have to put in this time. HaKadosh Baruch Hu wanted me to have to give a focus to this... to this unfortunate experience." He wanted it. That's why I'm going through it because if He didn't, this wouldn't be happening. Ah, He chose you. Okay. So now I'm going to do everything in my power. Now I'm going to... now I'm going to follow up and hold accountable to the degree that I can. But as I sit in that beis din or as I sit in that mediation trying to resolve that conflict, I do it from a place of calm and peace and serenity that look, this was meant to be from Hashem, whatever the outcome will be was meant to be from Him. Even having to put in this time or spend this money to hold you accountable is all from Hashem. So I'm just going through the... you know, when you... when you make a recipe, you have to have a lot of steps to it. You add a bunch of ingredients, you've got to add them in a certain order, you've got to add them in a certain measure, you've got to mix it, it's got to be in the oven, it's got to be preheated. Do you get angry at Hashem that you had to add those ingredients? Do you get angry at Hashem you had to preheat the oven? Do you get angry at Hashem that the recipe called for all those steps? That's simply the way the world Hashem... the way Hashem designed the world is that to get the result of that recipe, you need to follow all those steps. So HaKadosh Baruch Hu gives us recipes in life and it could include things that feel painful or are negative from others. So as I go through all those steps, I shouldn't do it with emotion. I should do it with serenity and peace, knowing this is the recipe that He has written for me. Each of us have an individualized cookbook and this is the recipe that He's given me. And this recipe includes I've got to meet with a lawyer, I've got to go to mediation, I've got to go to court, a judge will decide, the beis din will determine. But as much as I'm not angry at the spices when I add them or the oven when I preheat it, I shouldn't with anger be at the deposition or sitting in front of the beis din because this is all from Hashem. It's what I have to do. How it will turn out, it's all from... it's just all from Hashem. So if a person can live this life, if a person has this emuna and is able to... filter and interpret and see the world through this prism, imagine what marriage will be like, imagine what a relationship with children will be like, imagine how conflict will be resolved, will be like, וכן מכח האמונה כל אחד ישמח במה שיש לו מתוך ידיעה שזה הכי טוב לו ולא יקנא בחבירו. And if a person lives with Hashem then you know that whatever I have is what I'm meant to have and I could be working harder and I could be taking initiative like crazy in order to get more, but meanwhile what I have is what I'm meant to have and therefore what you have is nothing to do with me. Why would I be jealous of what's in your driveway? Why would I be jealous of who's in your home? Why would I be jealous of what's in your bank account? Why would I be jealous of what's dripping off your ear or around your neck or on your fingers? Why would I be jealous of anything in your life? What does that have to do with me? I have what's meant for me. And maybe if I have ambition for more I could work hard and Hashem will decide whether I get it or not, but in the meantime why in the world would I ever be jealous or envious of what you have? אלא שמח בו מתוך הכרה שהוא יציר כפיו של השם יתברך בדיוק כמוני ושנינו שווים לגמרי. We're equal. You have your cookbook, I have my cookbook. You have to follow your recipe, I'm following mine. We each have what we're meant to have. Why would I be jealous or envious? Why would my life and happiness be determined by what you have? If I live with Hashem I never have those feelings. I never have those feelings. It's hard, chevre, it's hard. This level of emunah, this attitude, this muscle, this prism, this filter, this pair of glasses, it's so hard to live with. You know what else is hard? To live with jealousy and envy and anger and resentment and bitterness and desire for revenge. It eats you up inside. It tears you apart. It destroys your life. It destroys your life. I was talking to somebody last night who had met with an incredibly affluent wealthy person who was describing to me his fleet of private planes and the 737 that's decked out with bedrooms and the this and the this and as I was listening to the descriptions which are all amazing and I'm sure his life is wonderful with that gift of materialism that he has and the many homes that he owns and the many and then I was just listening, listening, listening and I was kind of waiting for it and then I said you know tell me more and he said well you know he's divorced and his kids this and his whatever and I'm like there it is. Meaning not that there it is that that by definition you could have enormous wealth and have an enormously intact peaceful unified life doesn't necessarily by definition go together, but when I heard that I said to myself I'll take sholom bayis over airplanes any day. Give me the option of a happy marriage, growing old with someone, feeling completed by someone, feeling your soulmate and your bashert and raising a family and getting the nachas and love from children and being intact I'll take it any day a hundred times a day over extra legroom let alone own airplane. Maybe not extra legroom, I need extra legroom. But even extra legroom, even extra legroom. So why would you look? Why would you be jealous? Why would you be envious? You never know the pekel the other person has. You never know what they're facing and you realize I got my cookbook, I got my recipe, I gotta follow my recipe. This is what Hashem has for me. So the life we could live, the number one reason to live it is not for Hashem. If all of us in this room have enormous emunah, if none of us in this room have any emunah, Hashem's good to go. I know we've been talking a lot about Hashem needing us and we do believe that too, but Hashem is infinite omnipotent and perfect and he's good to go. We're not doing it for him. We don't do it for his benefit. Why we live this life? For us. Because our life is so much better, richer, healthier, whole, complete if we live life and we see him all around us. ודבר עמוק יש כאן says Rav Itche Meir כי באמת ישנם אנשים שלומדים שכל מעלת הענין בין אדם לחבירו ונראה להם שזה יותר חשוב מבין אדם למקום. Why is this important and why is this relevant and why are we learning this on Rosh Chodesh Av these nine days as we're counting towards hopefully Tisha B'Av will become a moed we'll all be dancing in Yerushalayim with the Beis Hamikdash and Moshiach im yirtzeh Hashem. But if not why are we talking about this now? Because there are many people who think mistakenly that we have this enormous divide between bein adam lamakom, bein adam lachaveiro. There's the dimension of the relationship between me and Hashem and there's a relationship between me and my fellow man. And don't mix them. What does one have to do with the other? Leave me alone. Leave me alone. How long my shmoneh esrei is in shul, how righteous I am in my religious life has nothing to do with how I treat people in business. The words I use, the names I call them, how I talk. What does one thing have to do with the other? Don't mix them. And in fact, you have people arguably in the opposite direction who will sometimes say, you know, all that really matters, if I had a dollar every time somebody said to me, I'm not so observant, but what really matters is how I treat people. I'm very honest, I have integrity, I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm good. Isn't that what really matters? Isn't that what really matters? And what Rebbe Shmaya says is, both sides are incorrect. Both are wrong because they're zeh bazeh, they go together, they're the same thing. Zot to'us gedola, כי באמת אין לאדם אלא בוראו בלבד. There's no such separation between Bein Adam L'Makom, Bein Adam L'Chaveiro. It's sort of artificial. Yes, Chazal give it to us. There's a third one, Bein Adam L'Atzmo. All three are descriptions we have to describe different angles, but it's the same thing. The person who sees a long trunk and the person who sees a tail and the person who sees four legs, they're all talking about the elephant, they're just looking from different sides. So Bein Adam L'Atzmo, Bein Adam L'Chaveiro, Bein Adam L'Makom, we're looking from different sides, but we're all describing the same elephant, the same us, the same exact thing, which is, כשיש קשר עם השם יתברך, יש אמונה בצורה נכונה, ממילא מכח זה הנהגתו עם חבריו תהיה נכונה. The bottom line is it's all a relationship with Hashem. If I live with and see and feel Hashem in my life, then my Bein Adam L'Chaveiro is all through Him. My Bein Adam L'Atzmo, my self-confidence, my self-esteem, seeing the Tzelem Elokim inside myself, my mission, my worth, my purpose, it's all about Hashem. Hashem is what animates, He's what informs, He's what drives, He's what powers all of these relationships. ובאמת כל חיובינו במצוות בין אדם לחברו הם רק מכח ציווי השם יתברך. So every aspect of my relationship with my fellow man is really, in essence, all about my relationship with whom? With Hashem. With Hashem. It's all about my relationship with Hashem. If I have a negative interaction with others, it's revealing that I've got problems in my relationship with Hashem. And if I have a solid, hardcore relationship with Hashem, then I'm going to have solid, hardcore relationships with others. כי אין אנחנו כמו הגויים שאצלם כל הנימוסים הם רק בשביל ישובו של עולם. You know, we don't believe in this humanistic attitude or approach that social justice and civil rights and that they're only all really about humanism and loving people and that's a very surface, superficial, sort of egocentric way of looking at it. My interpretation of justice is how the world needs to behave. I determine whose civil right I stand up for. That's a very civil, that's a very subjective and it's a very egocentric way of looking at the world, right? I decide who's the underdog, I decide who's vulnerable, I decide who we need to stand up and fight for justice for. It's humanistic, it's subjective, it is, it's determined by different people will come to different conclusions. Right, the most extreme example is Nazi Germany, which was a democratically elected government decided that the most human thing that they could do is eliminate the vermin called the Jews. So was that justice and humanistic and was that something righteous? Obviously very much not. That's an extreme example of this humanistic approach and this egocentric interpretation of social justice which is really all about you and what makes you feel good and your decision of what justice is. אבל אצלנו הכל פנימי. Everything is about the depth, pnimiyut. ההנהגה הטובה נובעת מתוך הכרה במציאות השם ויחודו ושכולם כפופים אליו. Really we say, we're all children of Hashem. We have to love our siblings, we have to love all human beings, we have to fight for righteousness and justice because this is Hashem's world. This is Hashem's planet, this is Hashem's universe, and we have to repair it and redeem it and mold it and shape it in His image, to His likeness, fulfilling His vision for it. And we have to fight for and treat our siblings, Jewish and non-Jewish, because yes, Bni bechori Yisrael, we are Hashem's oldest children. We are the bechor, we are the eldest. However, everyone, we are all children of Hashem. So we have to love and support and care for and be righteous with all other people. Why? That is an expression of Bein Adam L'Makom. That's part of our relationship with Hashem, with Hashem. והבנה שכל יהודי הוא חלק אלוק ממעל ממש בן של השם יתברך. To realize that every Yid, every Jew, is a manifestation, a physical expression of Hashem in this world. They're Tzelem Elokim. So that Jew that you jumped on, you criticized, you marginalized, you isolated, that you judged unfavorably, that Jew you gossiped about, that Jew that you isolated, you isolated Hashem. You judged unfavorably Hashem. You criticized Hashem because הם חלק אלוק ממעל ממש. They are a piece of Hashem. Now, for some it makes it very hard to see that and find that piece of Hashem in them. It's buried so deep in them and there's so many layers of shmutz that it's so hard to find. But that's why we have to go look and search. And if we do, if we exert the time and the effort, we can and we will find it in them. ואם יבוא השומע ויאמר אם כן אתה מזלזל בכולם למה שאין להם חשיבות בעיניך כדבר עצמי אלא רק כחלק מהשכינה הקדושה so you'll say what I've just erased all the individuality. Nobody has any independent worth, everybody's just valuable because they are a chelek of Hashem. I just, I just erased all the individualism of everybody. No, על זה התשובה המענה הוא אמת לאמיתה אין לך כבוד גדול יותר מאשר שאתה מסתכל על כל יהודי לא כדבר לעצמו שאז איזה חשיבות כבר יכולה להיות לנברא קרוץ חומר אלא אתה מסתכל כחלק אלוק ממעל. The most, the greatest gift you could give anyone is not, is not to pretend that they're not a chelek eloka, is not to see them as such an individual, so unique, that they're not a child of Hashem. The greatest gift that we can give him is to see everybody as children of Hashem. Everybody's an expression of Hashem. We're all His children and we're all siblings and we can and should all love one another. I do a fair amount of counseling. You know how often comes up a spouse feels stuck between their spouse and their parent? Let's say the wife, you know, says to the husband, you don't get along with my father or my mother, but can't you do it for me because the friction that you have is killing me? Or a parent says to the child, I know that you are unhappy, you're disappointed in your sibling, you're hurt from your sibling, but for me you can't find a way to be together over Yom Tov? You can't find a way to be in the same room for the simcha? You can't find a way to overlap? You don't have to be best friends, you don't go on vacation together alone, but when we're a family you can't find a way? Forget for the two of you, but what about for me? So that's what the Hashem Yisbarach says, the Ribono shel Olam sits up there and he says, okay, so you've got problems between each other, but for me you can't find a way? So it's about our relationship with Hashem. Bein adam l'chavero is in fact a reflection of where we're holding bein adam l'makom. ומי שזוכה להסתכל כך עבודת בין אדם לחברו ניצול בזה מפניות ומבלבולים כי יש בעיה מצויה שאחרי שמשקיעים מרצון השם יתברך בקשר עם חברים אזי מרוב השקעה נכנס ונתפס בזה ומתחיל לחשוב איך הוא הגיב ומה הוא חושב עלי ושוכח מהשם יתברך. So what do we think about and talk about all the time? We think about what he said, what she said about me, what he did to me, what she did to me, how he responded, how she responded. We're so focused on them we forget the חלק אלוק ממעל ממש in them and we forget that Hashem runs this world and they're, we're all just pawns and puppets. Hashem is the one pulling the string. So yes, we are accountable, we also have a free will and have initiative, something we need to and will come back in future weeks revisiting yet again this balance between free will and hashgacha divine providence. So yes, on the one hand we have initiative and we have free will, but this is Hashem Yisbarach. מי שתופס נכון את העניין, if you understand this issue properly, then every interaction I have, you know, why is this nudnik keeping me waiting so long? Where is my food at the restaurant? Why the bank teller keep making mistakes? Why is, from significant and consequential to insignificant and inconsequential. But if each time that my heartbeat starts to go up, my pulse starts to increase, my sweat glands start to pump, I start to, my ego starts to kick in, I start to get frustrated, I'm about to erupt, and I'm about to lash out at the driver who the light turned green a millisecond ago and they didn't and now my horn, right? If you've moved recently, we don't do that in Florida. We allow a person a millisecond to take their foot off the gas and put it on the, off the brake and put it on the gas. We give them that permission before we, you know, ram them with the back of or with our car. So how do we overcome to not lash out to our spouse, to our children, to our colleague, to our employer or employee, to the bank teller, to the flight attendant, to the waiter, to the person at the red light in front of us, to the, what do they call that, road rage? How do we, how do we transform our lives? All of those I just gave you, every single example I just gave was bein adam l'chavero, right? Our spouse is our marriage, our children, our peers, our colleagues, our neighbors, our friends, those are all bein adam l'chavero. And what is the solution and antidote, what is the answer to repairing the sinas chinam bein adam l'chavero is to work on bein adam l'makom. Emunah bitachon. If I live with greater emunah bitachon, if I see and feel His presence in my life, if I live with a pnimiyus, I don't just see the surface and the superficial, but I see the depth, I see Hashem in the background of everything that happens, He's by my side whispering in my ear helping me interpret all the events that happen. He's the father saying to me, if you ever just get along with my other children. He's the father who says don't be jealous or envious if you know what else they have to deal with, don't worry. my son, I've given my daughter, I've given you what you need, follow the recipe. If we understood and heard Him whispering in our ear through all these things, the peace, the serenity, our blood pressure would go down, our sugar levels would go down, our happiness would go up, our meaning and purpose would go up, the antidote and the answer to bein adam l'chaveiro is bein adam l'makom. Bein adam l'makom, כל מחשבותיו יהיו רק במקום הנכון בהשם יתברך. All of our thought, all of our attention, all of our attitude, all of it needs to be on bein adam l'makom increasing and working on that bitachon and that emunah. It's all from Hashem. If He didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't be happening. It is all from above and it's all from Hashem. So this is our work in these nine days and Tisha B'av and again if you're listening at another time, you're allowed to also be working on sinas chinam on Hanukkah and on Purim and on Pesach and on Succos. Not only on like people think you're only allowed to do teshuva in Elul, you're only allowed to learn Torah on Shavuos, you're only allowed to see hashgacha on Purim. You're allowed the whole year do these things. You're allowed to work on sinas chinam on the day after Tisha B'av. You're also allowed to love people more. You're also allowed to greet people a lot more. So, but our avoda particularly in this time, our avoda particularly in this time is how we treat others. So this is the time to greet and to love and to warmth and to care and to reach out and to find commonality and to repair relationships and to create a bond. Why am I doing that? Because that's how I show Hashem love. How can I have the courage and the faith and the fortitude, but somebody really hurt me, but we have real differences, but we real the answer is bein adam l'makom because Hashem see the חלק אלוק ממעל ממש in the other person, in the other person, and that will give the fortitude to be able to not lash out. As two emails recently shared the story of people they were very angry at but they leaned into their emunah to avoid their anger. Anger management. We don't call this living with emunah anymore, this is Wednesday morning anger management. Anger management. How do you have anger management? How can you never raise your voice? How can you stay sweet and serene? דברי חכמים בנחת נשמעים. How can you want to be an influencer? Not by yelling and screaming. Calm, cool, collect, compelling, sweet, caring. And how can we get to that place? How can that become our disposition? How can we make that our default? Emunah bitachon. So shkoach, thank you for coming to anger management. We meet again next week on erev Tisha B'av, then we're taking a break for a few weeks. Tonight Behind the Bima with Rabbi Dr. Meir Soloveichik. Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay holy.
