Transcript
Good morning everyone, welcome back to Living with Emuna. So wonderful to be together. I want to begin by thanking our generous sponsors as always. First of all, the sponsors of the series for the year, Dr. Zavi and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Galbut and in memory of Bella’s mother, Dr. Ellen Shanzer. We remain very grateful to the Morgan family. This morning’s Shiur is also sponsored by Carol Wald. Where’s Carol? Thank you, Carol, in memory of her beloved father, Binyamin ben Daniel. His Neshama should have an Aliyah. Also sponsored by the Brody family, Rabbi Josh and Simone Brody. Today is Rabbi Brody’s father’s Yahrzeit, Avraham Brody, אשר יוסף בן בנימין, whose Neshama should have an Aliyah as well. And יבדל לחיים טובים וארוכים, today’s Shiur is dedicated in honor of my beautiful daughter Tamar. Today is her 18th birthday. She gives us a lot of Nachas, and she thinks we don’t care about her birthday. So today is in honor of her birthday. Today is in honor of her birthday and we’ll find out if she ever—so everyone should call or text her. Tamar, should I say her phone number? Tamar Goldberg, I’ll be in big trouble, but we love her. She’s amazing. She packs a punch into that little—into that little person. Okay, we are in B'Amdecha Al Derachecha by Rav Itamar Morgenstern. We’ve been learning all about it and we’re trying to finish this topic so that we can move on. How to find Hashem B'yemei not only Gadlus but B'yemei Katnus. How to connect to Hashem not only when all is going well and smooth and happy and high, how to connect to Hashem when we feel far and distance, when we’ve fallen. How to go back to our bat analogy—not baseball bat, the animal, the bird. Is it a bird? A bat. It’s a mammal—I’m sorry, it’s a mammal. But the bat that sleeps upside down, the idea that we take the momentum of falling and we turn it into flight, we turn it into lift. I gotta share a story. I always love the Emuna stories. Please keep them coming so that I can share them with everybody. This Emuna story was shared with me that says the following: "I left my knapsack with a lot of money, jewelry, and my whole wallet in an Uber. I was freaking out—his language is not mine—nothing was happening, they weren’t calling me back for 20 minutes. I said the prayer for a lost object and someone heard me say Amen, and that second they called, they found it, they were returning it." So, have Emuna, have faith in Hashem and in Uber drivers, and hopefully you get all of your things back. So we’ve been learning about how do you find Hashem. Last week we spoke—description very powerful—just like in a human relationship, when there is a breach, when there is a break, if there is a divide, that is sometimes when we can break through. Sometimes that is when we can actually get to the highest level. Sometimes it’s when we feel we’ve fallen that we say I’ve had enough. You can fall and you can continue to spiral, or you can fall and you can hit a spring that makes you have a bounce that brings you higher to where you were beforehand. התכלית במצב הזה היא where I’m on page Kuf Samech Zayin, 167. התכלית במצב הזה היא—the Tachlis in this time that Nigleh Hashem Yisborach Besoch Hahester. We’re trying to reveal Hashem even within the hiddenness. When Hashem is revealed, it’s easy to find Him. You know, it’s an amazing thing to me, having to go to the hospital last few days—we Daven everyone should have a Refuah Sheleimah—so it’s an amazing, it’s the same building, and it’s the same campus, and it’s the same white coat, and it’s the same hospital, where in one ward there are babies being born, the greatest moment in people’s lives, the most joyful moment in people’s lives, a revelation of Hashem’s guiding hand, a miracle every healthy baby that’s born. And down the hall in the same building there are people sitting next to a bedside and they’re hoping and holding on, sometimes against all odds. Same building. Same nurses, same medicines, same computer system, same—you know, that’s—I talk about that in the context of not all Tefilla is the same. We’ve learned, we finished, we did an entire series on Sha'arim B'Tefilla, Rav Pinkus’s wonderful magnum opus, Sha'arim B'Tefilla. The Yalkut Shimoni quotes 13 synonyms for prayer: Rina, Bitzu'a, Tza'aka, Zaka—there’s 13 synonyms for prayer. Why? Because not all prayers are the same. Think about that hospital. The prayer at the bedside of the person who’s terminally ill is unbelievably different from the prayer at the bedside of the woman who’s in active labor and about to give birth, please God, to a healthy baby. They’re two totally different prayers. Two totally different prayers. So we just use that one generic word Tefilla or prayer, but we do a disservice when we do that because there isn’t just one Tefilla. There’s Tefilla when we feel close, there’s Tefilla when we feel far, there’s Tefilla when we have hope and there’s Tefilla of hopelessness, there’s Tefilla of joy and gratitude and thank you, and there’s a Tefilla of "Where are You?". It’s not all one. all of the same. It's not all of the same at all. So we have moments of Gadlus, we have moments of feeling connected and happy and healthy and high, Hashem, you're everywhere and I feel your presence and you're amazing! And isn't He amazing and Baruch Hashem Im yirtzeh Hashem Chasdei Hashem, Hashem is the greatest. And then we have moments of Hester, of Hashem, where are you? And why are you doing this? And why would you allow this? And why are you experiencing this? Tonight Yocheved and I are participating in an Ohel webinar on pregnancy loss. I'm not going to belabor the point now. Those who want to tune in can. But 21 years ago we had a stillbirth of a little baby boy. It's a whole story and we're sharing it. We've never done this before, only to hopefully provide strength and Chizuk to others and comfort and maybe some takeaway practical ideas. So I was talking to someone recently who's experienced terrible pregnancy loss, terrible disappointment, terrible pain. They said to me, 'the couple, we're not the same people that when we got married. Having been through this disappointment, pain, hurt, waiting, longing, wanting, it's changed us. We're not the same people. We're not the same people that we were.' Where's Hashem and why would He do this? And why go through that? Why go through that pain and why have to wait and it not be realized? So there are moments of Hester. There are moments of Hester of hiddenness. וגם כאשר נדמה שהוא יתברך לא מופיע באמת הוא קיים. And even when we feel like, where is He and what is He and is He? He still exists. He can still be found. Be'emes hu kayom. He can be found. Sometimes He can be found strongest in those moments. כי רוממותו יתברך קובע שיוכל לפעול כפי רצונו ולא כל הכרח לפעול דווקא בצורה מסויימת. I'll share tonight, we haven't even planned or coordinated yet, but I remember from 21 years ago that one of the things that Yocheved said over and over during that terrible time and challenging time was, 'I don't know how people do this if they don't believe in God.' If you believe it's for a reason, I don't understand it, I don't welcome it, I don't want it, and it's unbearably painful, but it's for a reason. There's someone in charge, there is something we'll one day discover. Then you can find the resilience. But to think that you're just a victim of randomness and chance and the universe is just cruel and you're the unlucky lottery winner of illness or disease or infertility, I don't know how you get out of bed. I don't know how you wake up in the morning. So sometimes it's from that place of hiddenness, it's from that place of terrible pain, it's from that place of almost desperate despair, that's sometimes Davka where you can find Him. That's where you can find Him when you lean in, when you reveal Him, when you latch onto Him. Sometimes that's where you can find Him the best. When everything's hunky-dory and going well and everyone's healthy and seems good and the biggest problem in your life is that the Wi-Fi is down, so then, then sometimes you're not really connected to Him. You may think you are because all is well and good. But when you sit outside that surgical five-hour surgery and the whole family is pouring over Tehillim and they're just waiting for any sign, doctor, nurse, someone come out, someone say something, someone tell us how it's going. Hashem, guide that doctor's hand. Hashem. So delicate, so detailed is this surgery. Every millimeter matters and counts and you're sitting there pouring over that Tehillim. It's in that moment when you say, 'how are we here and how did we get here? It's a young person in that surgery and where were you? But you know what? We'll talk about that later. For now, I need you. For now, I can't afford to be angry at you or protesting you because for now, you're in that operating room and I need you and I need you.' So sometimes it's in those moments. ובאופן פרטי לאדם מתחזקת האמונה והדבקות הפנימית כי מתברר שהדבקות של הנברא בהשם יתברך היא מוחלטת לגמרי. When you feel I'm gluing, I'm attaching myself to you. I don't know any other way out. I don't know any other solution. I don't know any other future, so I have no choice but Deveikus mi'lashon devek. I'm gluing, I'm attaching myself to you. I'm sticking with you. I'm sticking with you. כי מתברר שאין לנו באמת מציאות עצמית. We have no existence on our own. There is no independent entity. We're all an illusion. We're a figment of Hashem's imagination. We are, we are a Mashal. ויש לנו תלות מוחלטת בהארת השם יתברך ולא שייך שיעזוב אותנו אפילו לרגע. You know, a parent never abandons the child not even for a moment. The parent could be on vacation on the other side of the world and the whole reason they went on vacation is to get away from those kids and still while on their vacation struggling to be away from those kids, all they're thinking about, at least the mother, is those kids. 'Should we check in on them? Do you think they're doing okay? We haven't heard from them in seven seconds. Is everything all right? Is everything all right?' At least the mother. The father's like, 'Yeah, who? What? Where? When? What?' But at least the mother feels that. So you could be far away and the whole purpose is to take a break and get away and yet your whole identity is so intertwined, your whole identity is so much about the well-being of the kids. the safety, the security, the happiness of your children. So we have a father, his name is Hashem Yisborach, and it's impossible, you're not in that waiting room and he is on the golf course. You're not sitting at home sad or struggling and he's playing mahjong or sipping piña coladas. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, we are always on his mind, kiveyachol. We are him, we don't even exist outside of him, but we are always on his mind. So even when it feels like where is he and why am I going through this, sometimes in those moments we can lean in and find him the clearest and the most when we realize we don't have an independent existence. There is no anything going on but him. ולא שייך שיעזוב אותנו אפילו לרגע. He can't abandon us not even for a second. וממילא גם כשנראה לנו שהוא נעלם מאיתנו, even when it appears that he is hidden from us, נבין שבהכרח זה לא נכון, it's not possible. ונתחזק להחזיק בו ולדבוק בו מתוך אמונה שנמצא אפילו שאנו לא רואים אותו. From this emunah that he's found even when we can't see him. That's the emunah. Now emunah, I'll give you a little spoiler alert, we rarely do this, almost never do this, but I have this webinar tonight with the Ohel, so the interview, the conversation with our Behind the Bima guest was yesterday, was recorded, it'll be streaming and posted today, spoiler, sorry, don't give up on Behind the Bima, sometimes we have to do that, scheduling conflict. So I'll give you a little vorshpeis, a little appetizer to this conversation with David Sacks. David Sacks is an Emmy award-winning, Golden Globe-winning writer for famous Hollywood shows, all of which you've heard of, but I'm not going to repeat because I don't want to distract you nor am I endorsing the particular shows. But he's an amazing person. He's a person who's a baal teshuvah and he talks about in this conversation how he became a baal teshuvah and reconciled that with being a smashing success in Hollywood and balances all those values and in the world today and what he had to almost give up of a career and chose Shabbos nonetheless, really an outstanding person. He also is a co-founder of the Happy Minyan with Stuey Wax. He also is a person who teaches five shiurim a week, loves Chassidus and shares incredible insights in this conversation. It's really well worth listening to, you don't have to tune in live, you can't be both places at once, but baruch Hashem for technology, you can listen to both whenever you want. So one of the things he talks about, such a powerful image, so happy he shared it. He spoke about the fact that people like to talk about do you have emunah? I have emunah, do you have emunah? And emunah is not something that you have. It's not something that you have. It's not a couch. You have a couch. You have a car. You had lunch. But you don't have emunah. Emunah is an ongoing experience. Emunah is something that you work on. Emunah is something that you practice. And the fact that I had emunah yesterday has nothing to do with today. You had lunch yesterday. Okay. Do you need to eat today? Tomorrow? That's okay, I don't need lunch, I had lunch last week. I've never heard anyone ever say: I don't need lunch, I'm good, I had lunch last month. I had lunch last week. I had lunch yesterday. People have to lunch, they're ready for lunch. You have to have emunah. Emunah is not something that you acquire or you possess or that you have. It's not part of your permanent collection. It's not something that you could set on the side because now you own it, it's in your repertoire. Emunah is an ongoing experience, it's an ongoing practice. Emunah is a muscle that we work out, emunah is the air that we breathe. No any more than you can say to your children or your spouse, I have love for you, I loved you yesterday. I loved you yesterday and I have love. You have love? I don't want you to have love, I want you to love me. Love is a verb. I want not an adjective. I want you to love me. I don't want you to have love. I want you to love. I don't want you to have loved, I don't want you to have loved me yesterday, I want you to love. So emunah is not something we have and emunah is not something we feel in the past, emunah is an everyday experience, an everyday exercise, it is an ongoing effort and an ongoing sometimes struggle, an ongoing experience with Hashem. Emunah, that is emunah, that is emunah. Lema'aseh avodah b'katnus, so now the Biyam Durchacha ends and he says lema'aseh. Reishis, and I want to get back to stam-Mr. Judewitz, I left you off with a teaser, with a cliffhanger last week about his five thoughts on why he still believes in God even after he lost everyone and everything in the Holocaust. But first, back to Reb Itche Meir. Lema'aseh avodah b'katnus, the avodah in this place when we feel that place of sadness, despair, when we're in the surgical waiting room, when things are not going our way, when there's another month with the disappointment and not realizing that child like Rachel Imeinu says in this week's parsha, אם אין מתה אנכי. Give me a child, if not, I'm dead, I'm dead, that pain, that pain we daven for all who are trying to have children, Hashem they should realize all their dreams and get tremendous nachas. ראשית להבין שהקטנות צורת הגילוי אלוקות. That katnus, even that place of smallness, even that place of hiddenness, even that place of brokenness, even that place of failure, even that face of place of unfaithfulness, even that place of disappointment in ourselves is also a place of revelation that Hashem can be revealed כי עצם הידיעה שהקטנות שלי היא סוג הנהגה והתגלות של השם יתברך ויש לו בזה עניין ותועלת וסיבה. It can only be transformed into something positive, it can then only be the fall that gives you flight if what? If you have mindfulness and self-awareness above it of it. If you sit you think about where am I and how do I feel and what am I going to go through and where am I in the relationship and what do I want to do with it? But if you say, let's binge watch something. Let's go shopping. Let's be distracted. Let's go just distract, let's just occupy myself with life so that I don't have to think and I don't have to experience, then you will not be able to turn the fall into flight. You can't create the momentum into lift, into lift. So number one is there has to be an awareness and a presence and a mindfulness והבנה זו כבר מקשרת אותי עם השם יתברך. And in that experience of understanding where am I, where am I going, who am I, what am I feeling, what's triggering me, what energizes me, what depletes me of energy, what enhances my emuna and what compromises my emuna, just those questions and just that self-conversations, that self-talk, that self-awareness will create a closeness to Hashem. That's all number one. Sheinis number two, בזמן הקטנות החיבור עם השם יתברך הוא בכח האמונה שככה זה אף שאיני מרגיש וזה נקרא קשר עצם. Just the fact that you say Hashem, I don't understand it, I don't like it, I don't want it, but I'm surrendering to you anyway. I'm angry at you, I'm protesting to you, I'm objecting to you, I'm upset at you, disappointed in you, I'm in pain from you, but every sentence ends with with you. As long as it ends with with you, there's a connection. There's still a high-speed connection ובהבנה זו האדם רואה שלא רק הקטנות אינו ריחוק אלא אדרבה היא חיבור בעצם והשם יתברך יתנו אף שזה נראה להפך. I do a lot of unfortunately marriage counseling, I'm not a marriage counselor, I do a lot of marriage consulting and then I refer to a marriage counselor. I think we have to all stay in our lane and do what we're strong at, but add whatever we can. But I can tell you that when there are two apathetic, indifferent, checked out, we don't yell, we don't scream, we don't fight, we just have nothing, then then that marriage is on life support, if anything at all. But when there's some passion, some anger, some disappointment, some hurt, when there's still some energy being exchanged, there's hope, there's repair possible. There's a lot of repair possible. So with Hakadosh Baruch Hu the same is true when you're apathetic and indifferent and checked out and then then you're on life support, your faith. But when you're angry at Hashem, and when you're talking to him about how angry you are with him, and when you say where are you and you're hidden from me, then there's a lot of hope. That is a tremendous expression of faith, because you don't get angry or disappointed in things you don't believe exist. So when you're angry and disappointed, you are essentially affirming that you believe he's there. When you're in conversation with him when you're afraid of him, when you feel you've disappointed him, when you're looking to him for help and strength, when you're asking him where are you, where were you, that is in itself a exercise and an expression and affirmation of faith נמצא שדווקא הקטנות גורמת לגילוי אמונה, Amuk penimi vechazak. It's deep and it's inside us and strong ואף אמנם שאין בזה פנים ואור. And even though it doesn't have the light and the countenance and the happiness and the joy אבל יש בזה מתיקות פנימית נעלמת, but there is a sweetness, a inside sweetness של נאמנות של שלווה שאני כגמול עלי אמו בכל מצב. Sometimes it's after the most heated fight in a marriage that you have the greatest romance and connection and closeness and love when you've repaired. Shelishis the third thing, בקטנות נתגלה סוג תפילה פנימית ומיוחדת. The sense of tfila, the most heartfelt authentic, that sense of tfila that you can have from a place of katnus can't compare to any other tfila. When you think you're high and close and connected and you're davening and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and maybe you've got the biggest skip in your step, maybe you're clapping the loudest, maybe you're singing the loudest in those moments, it pales in comparison to the profundity and the depth and how authentic the experience of tfila is when you're in a bad place with him. When you're real, when you're genuine, when you peel back that mask and you peel back those layers and you peel back the veneer and you're just real. You're raw. When a person's raw with Hashem. Absolutely real and raw with Hashem. That's that's authentic and that's real and that's real. כי אמונה באה לידי ביטויה של תפילה מיוחדת because that conversation, that's as real as it gets, that's as genuine as it gets. And I don't want to make you sad but my friend our friend Chaim, those raw and real conversations he taught me and he taught us that you could be going through the worst and you could use it as an excuse to cop out for conversations with Hashem, a very legitimate excuse to check out, or you could take off the gloves and go toe-to-toe and have the most raw and the most real conversation with him and about him. And to have the merit to have been in the presence or participate in such a conversation, that's to be present for something that is as real as anything in the world. I don't even know how to express it, I'm not doing a good job putting it into words, but it's raw and it's real and it's genuine and it's authentic. So when it's the Baruch Hashem Im Yirtzeh Hashem, I heard you won the lottery. Yeah, Baruch Hashem, I won the lottery, everything's amazing. Heard you make a Simcha. Yes, I'm so lucky and Baruch Hashem it's... That's also real and we should say it and we should feel it and it's real and I don't want to take away from it and we should all be zocha that it's the only thing we ever say. But there's nothing more real than someone taking off the gloves and telling you how they really feel about what he's doing. How they really feel about where he's at and where they're at with him. That's raw and that's real and that is deep and that is emunah. That is dveikus. That is bittul. That is bitachon. That is genuine. Dehainu page kuf samech chet. כיון שאדם נמצא בסכנה נוראה שהוא עלול חס ושלום ליפול מאמונה ומקירבת השם יתברך הוא מרגיש אין לי אלא לסמוך לגמרי על החסדים של השם יתברך. When a person feels I have no choice, I have nothing else, there is nowhere else and there is nothing else to turn to then אז הוא צועק מעומק הלב אל תשליכני מלפניך אנא הורני דרכך לזכות לחיות עמך תמיד. Then a person really feels I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I wonder where you are but you're all I've got and I'm going to read to you Mr. Judovits's words in a moment because that's another expression of this in a very raw and real way even after losing everyone and everything. ועבודתי לגלות עומק הקטנות לפני השם יתברך כי הוא איתי עכשיו ולא השתנה כלום. אבי אני יודע שאתה איתי. Father, I know you're with me even when I can't see you, feel you, hear you, I know you're there. כי השם יתברך תמיד נמצא כי אין כלום חוץ ממנו. Hashem is always by definition he's always found because by definition there is no one and nothing else but him. The whole universe is his imagination, it is his creation. We are all a mashal. He is the nimshal. ומתוך זה אדם זוכה להרגשה של הכנעה ודבקות. So when we submit and surrender, when we modestly recognize that whatever we think we're independent, whatever we think we take pride in, really the whole world, all of it, it's all him. ובהכנעה ותלות גמורה בהשם יתברך. We lean on, we rely on, we defer, we submit, we surrender entirely to you. ולהרגיש אין לי שום דבר אמיתי חוץ ממנו יתברך. There is nothing genuine, there is nothing authentic, there is nothing real, there is no truth but you. He talks about David Sacks. He went to Harvard. He went back to speak at Harvard and he talked about how when he was young he thought this was emes but it's not truth. And then when he came to Harvard he thought this is truth but it's not truth. And then he went to Hollywood he thought this is truth but it's not truth. And then he found Shabbos and he said this is truth. And I won't give you the spoiler I want you to listen what happened when at Harvard he said this isn't truth, what someone in the audience did. Listen tonight. ולהרגיש אין לי שום דבר אמיתי. There is no truth chutz mimenu. There's only one truth. There's only one interpretation of the world. There's only one approach. There is only one. הוא הצלה היחידה שלי ואני לעצמי כלום. I on my own can't do anything. It all depends on him. He guides the surgeon's hand. He's the one who decides what the judge will conclude. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the one who determines everything. ולכן לא אעזוב את השם יתברך לרגע כי הוא עצם החיים. So if I abandon him, if I give up on him, if I walk away from him, am I helping or hurting myself? Because the reality and the truth is no matter how it makes me feel he is everything. He is the world and he decides everything in the world. So I can pretend he doesn't but I won't be helping my cause. זוהי המתקה של הקטנות לפני השם יתברך שנמצא תמיד אפילו במקום שנראה שהוא נעלם. וזוהי תכליתנו להגביר ולחזק את האמונה הפנימית ואת הדבקות המוחלטת. That is our mission, that is our goal, that is what we're trying to do. And so everything we just learned I want to read to you now. Everything we just learned I want to put into practice by listening to by reading to you from Mr. Judovits. Many in this room had the merit to know him and to know him well. So these aren't just words, you know, posthumously for a eulogy. These are his words he wrote in his lifetime after this is the addendum. He has this magnificent memoir called Holocaust and Rebirth which really summarizes his life. He was an einikel of the Dej. Rov. If you look at the pictures if you knew Mr. Judowitz, you'd be maybe blown away to see in the back he has pictures from his youth. This is Mr. Judowitz on the right. So if you knew Mr. Judowitz, it's the little Chasidishe yingel, the little Chasidishe boy on the left. That's Mr. Judowitz. He grew up in Dej, ainikel of the Dejer Rov. He lost everything. His whole life was Holocaust, but that wasn't his whole life. Some people their whole life is Holocaust. That's it. That's it. Holocaust. Some people's Judaism is entirely defined by the Holocaust. That was true and now with antisemitism on the rise, you know, they say there's no business like Shoah business. Certain people say. So the Holocaust. Some people their Judaism is entirely informed like the Holocaust. But that was only part of his life. That's not his whole life, the Holocaust. Holocaust and what's the second half? Holocaust and rebirth. Let me read to you his words. They're much better than mine. As a Holocaust survivor, I am often asked the following question: Do you still believe in God? You lost your parents and your entire family in the Holocaust for the sole reason you were Jewish, and you yourself endured enslavement by the Nazis because you were Jewish. Did that affect your belief in Hashem? Do you ask yourself why did God allow this to happen? Here's the answer. Listen carefully. With regards to the question why did God allow this to happen, I cannot answer for God. That answer can be given only by God himself. The hidden things are known only to God. Hanistaros Lashem Elokeinu. With regards to the question how could I still believe in God, after I was liberated, I was an angry man. It's hard to picture if you knew him. He was gentle and sweet, soft. Angry man, you can't even picture it. After I was liberated, I was an angry man. And many years afterwards, I was still angry. I was depressed and I had many doubts. I thought a lot about it. I was looking for answers and these are my thoughts to this question. Thought number one: While I was a prisoner in the labor camps, I experienced numerous personal miracles. I survived many close calls with death as described earlier in the book. There's no question in my mind that it was the hand of Hashem that saved me in all those close calls. There were times when I was already very sick and without any strength. I thought it is the end, I would die. There were no doctors, no hospitals, but there was God who kept me alive. That was thought number one. I could focus on all that I lost and all the times he wasn't there, or I could take stock in my life and say there were countless times I almost died and he's the only reason I'm alive. Thought number two: My parents believed in God, and they showed me the way to believe in God. They learned it from their parents and grandparents all the way back to Avraham. Anyone who denies the existence of God is merely expressing an opinion. Therefore, God forbid if I should express such an opinion, I would be boasting I'm smarter than my parents and I'm smarter than my ancestors. Expressing such an opinion would be blasphemy and spitting in the faces of my parents. It's also a fascinating thought. I miss my parents, I honor and respect my parents, I love my parents. I want to dedicate my life to honoring my parents who were murdered by the Nazis. Would I honor their way of life if I walked away from God, if I act like I'm smarter, more informed than? Fascinating. If I were telling you this, you wouldn't believe me. These are his words. Thought number three: As a child of martyred parents, I considered myself a lucky person and I am proud that I was born to my wonderful Jewish parents. God forbid I had been born to a Nazi murderer, would I be proud of my parents? Would my offspring be proud of their grandparents, or would any decent person be proud of their behavior? So thought number three is I want to follow their way of life because I'm so proud to have been born to them and not God forbid I could have been born to the perpetrators. Thought number four: If a Holocaust survivor excludes God from his life because he or she is angry at God for allowing this to happen, that person is only adding to his or her losses and loneliness. The parents are already murdered. The brothers and sisters are gone. And now God should be gone too? Thought number four. Let me read that one again. If a survivor excludes God from his life because you're angry at God for allowing it to happen, that survivor's only adding to his or her losses and loneliness. The parents are already murdered. Brothers and sisters are gone. Now God should be gone too? Thought number four. That's be-emda kaza, that's katnus, from that place of katnus if you deny that he is everything. If you deny the actual truth, the ultimate truth, the only truth, you're only adding to your loss and your loneliness. You're going to make things worse, not better. Thought number five, the final thought: After liberation, I was able to come to America. Hashem was good to me and blessed me with a good life and this new country. Coming to America was in itself a miracle. I had no one in America who would send me papers, but somehow someone who was a stranger to me at the time sent me papers. Hashem was good to me. Then I got married. Hashem blessed me with a wonderful and beautiful wife. Then we had children. Hashem blessed me. blessed me with productive good years. God has been good to us all these years. For all those blessings I thank Hashem and I believe and trust in him. So, he's basically saying his life is made up of the two parts, the Holocaust and the rebirth. Should he define his relationship with Hashem by the Holocaust? He chooses to define it by the rebirth. Was it a tough life? Unbelievably tough life. Unprecedentedly tough life. Nobody suffered in the history of humanity like survivors suffered, what they suffered with. But he focused and we're not judging anyone who deals differently, he focused not on the Holocaust component, but the rebirth component. He found, he looked in his life and he has credibility because he's honest in saying that after the Holocaust he was angry. He was angry and he was angry at Hashem and he distanced himself from Hashem. But after thinking about it, he came to these five conclusions. He had these five thoughts and when he added them all up, he was the Mr. Judovits that we knew and loved, that we learned from, who was literally the pillar of our community, the design, the architect of our community. So we spent a long time on this now, next week we'll please God start something new in emunah. But the notion of katnut, the notion of katnut, that we don't only feel close and connect to Hashem when all's going well, when we're feeling happy and high on him. We can find him and arguably can find him more authentically, in a deeper and a more meaningful and a more lasting and a more authentic way when we're bimei katnut, panim ve'achor, when we feel that we see his back and not his front, when there's dark not light, when we're falling not flying, when we feel small not big. Even in those moments, especially in those moments, we can find him. And the image I'll leave you with is that image of the bat. That even when we feel we're falling because of our own actions, mistakes we've made, disappointments we've created, or because you're disappointed in him, the feeling of the flow of him to us, take that fall and turn it into flight. Create lift. Create lift in emunah and bitachon and deveikus. Do what Mr. Judovits did. Find the bandwidth to think. Go for a walk without your phone, go on airplane mode and sit and think. Where am I at, where are you at, how do I want to feel, how do I get there, what am I feeling. Work to find him in life. He at the end of it all says, brought me to America, gave me a wife, gave me children, gave me grandchildren, gave me great-grandchildren and gave me all in all a pretty good life. Even after everything lost, we could focus on what we have, we could focus on what's missing. The choice is ours. Choice is ours. Focus on what we have or focus on what's missing, focus on what went right or focus on what went wrong. Could focus on the car accident or focus on against all odds the miraculous survival and please God recovery. Could focus in everything in life, on the wrong or the right, what's missing or what's there, the Holocaust or rebirth so to say of life. And when we look and we find, we'll find Hashem. We'll find Hashem. Everyone can. Everyone has something to find of Hashem and to connect and to not compound our loss or loneliness by also choosing to lose him. Don't lose him, lean into him. Lean in. Lean in stronger, lean in deeper and lean in closer. Lift and fix and repair and im yirtzeh Hashem we should all take flight. Tonight you could either listen to Behind the Bima or join that webinar or tomorrow or at your own leisure listen to both. Whatever you do, have a great day, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay holy.
